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Surfing Life's Waves ( Constructive Feedback Workshop)

It's time to surf the thoughtful waves of life,
and bravely dive into its seven seas.
The fear that rising waters wash in strife,
would fleetly pass when gently laid in ease.

Then free yourself from strains upon the shores.
Once tired, anchor, give those bones a rest,
and lightly soothe the wrecks of heavy chores,
for hard is life, so get from it, its best.

Yet only poets safely surf and dive
without an anchor, oar nor saving boats.
No ships to ride nor surfing boards to drive
when simply quills arise alive with notes.

So surf the thoughts, the quill shall never fray;
and dive, the ink will always flow your way.

Last few words: 
Thanks all for the valuable suggestions and giving a hand .
Editing stage: 

Comments

I really appreciate your comment. You're absolutely right . The sea
can be as cruel as a monester sometimes but I meant here not to mention
the advantages or disadvantages of the sea but to make a kind of connection between composing poetry -or writing in general and -to something as great as the sea..You see!! :)
Thank again

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

‘It's time to surf the thoughtful waves of life,
and bravely dive into its seven seas.’ – excellent start !

but then
‘ Don't fear that rise would take you up with strife,’
is not very clear, and not that poetic – imho – 'that take you up' seems off to me… :) the concept could be expressed better
something like
don’t fear that rising waters wash in strife ?

and
for IT – ‘ll then HAND you GENT - ly, LAY in EASE. – iambic out as you have too many syllables
for it will hand you gently, lay in ease.

then
Once TIR - ed, AN - chor and GIVE those BONES a REST, - again - iambic out as you have too many syllables – lose the ‘and’

‘No boats, to ride or surfing boards or ships.’
correct grammar would be
No boats, to ride nor surfing boards nor ships

'You'd face no problems, risk to find it hard.' – not very clear, the concept could be expressed better

'It's time to let your quill off ride to pose
It’s time to let your pen evoke the rose.'
- nice couplet – but not that memorable :)

and too – you know now why it’s not a true sonnet – the volta needs work

lol – this is my tough crit mode, just for this one, as it has enormous promise imho
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

i think you will find that for this case, using the 'not' counts as a 'neither';
neither/nor, either/or
my understandinga anyway
xx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

This is what I know too Beau , but as it had been suggested by a native speaker of the language I see no use of too much argue...Wish someone can tell us more about this..

WESLEY ...WHERE ARE YOU :) :)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

i haven't been able to leave well enough alone with this one
i want to show you where you can start with it

i have rewritten it in your lines mostly, but moved them around and changed wording at times to fit

but this is what you are saying i think, it needs work with the expression (word usage) but it could stay as a blank sonnet, so you don't have to worry about the rhyme...

but i wanted to show you you have a volta and the potential for a great sonnet

i hope you don't mind my re-writing it before you had a chance to :)
love judy
xxx

with fear to let your pen evoke the rose
with fear that rising waters wash in strife
with fear of losing strains upon the shore
when worn and tired anchor might just break

oppressive lie the wrecks of heavy chores,
for hard is life, it seems eternal quest
for place that has no problems, no hard risk
where you’ll be handled gently, lay in ease.

The tools are handy –at one's fingertips.
No anchors needed, oars or saving guard.
No boats, to ride nor surfing boards nor ships.
to let your quill off on a ride to pose

It's time to surf the thoughtful waves of life,
and bravely dive into its seven seas.

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

That 's more depressing than anyone would
intend it to be...Thank you

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

I am here though I lightly felt down last night. I am grateful for giving such a hand in making this a good sonnet. I took into concideration most of your suggestions . In your writing however I felt that like you didn't get the meaning I wanted to convey- maybe because of my bad wording or so .Therefore I just want to see what you and maybe anyone who reads this would understand. This is very important for me at this level. Also I've changed line 12 so does this make the volta any better? Don't hesitate to say NO if it is so..:)
Thanks dear juddy for taking the time and all who do

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

there is no volta here :)
have you read my reply to you on ‘the poet’s heart’ as to what a volta is?

your first verse says it is time to ‘do it’, don’t fear
the second verse encourages one to free themselves, strive for simply aiming for the best in life
the third verse says the tools are there – it is a carry on from the first two verses, not a ‘but’ – a ‘turn’
and sorry, the couplet is not memorable

see my interpretation of your poem with my write
first verses talk about the fear of many things in life, the oppressiveness of chores, one dreams of things better
the third then lifts it to hope – the tools are handy to fix this
now it isn’t the greatest volta – but I was trying to keep the lines of your poem as much as i could…. but it is a volta of sorts

however, i think the couplet is perfect – it is your first two lines – if you need to do a rhyming sonnet and not a blank verse, then these lines could be worked on to rhyme

a sonnet can raise one up from the depression of the first two verses to hope in the third (or, less frequently I hope, the other way – from hope to disappointment)
it tells a contradiction of some sort. it is a testament to opposites and rebuttals

and the couplet has to sum up the whole thing up and needs to be memorable …

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Wish things read better now,they do at least for me -Lol
Waiting to hear from all soon..

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

it is certainly getting closer, but I just don’t think you have made it as powerful as the first draft had potential for

you have a volta of sorts – a ‘yet’, but it really doesn’t lead from the first two verses imho
I don’t know how else to explain it to you – the first verse should introduce the subject, the second elaborate and the third contradict
I can’t see where the contradiction is here

also i think line four needs just a little work
'would fleetly pass when gently lay in ease'
it seems a little awkward - one of those instances when the reader feels you had trouble with the rhyme
- i can't think of another way to say it, so i've changed it's partner line to come up with another, that maybe says it close
just a suggestion
'It's time to surf the thoughtful waves of life
into its seven seas, let’s bravely dive
The fear that rising waters wash in strife
will fleetly pass, they'll nourish and revive

a couple of little nits
you have used the word ‘surf’ three time in this piece – did you really want to stress it that much?
also line 10
‘with-OUT AN-chors or OARS or SAV-ing BOATS
suggestion
‘without an anchor, oar nor saving boat’
and
‘No ships to ride or surfing boards to drive’ (‘or’ to ‘nor’)

and a small suggestion
I think the rhyming couplet would be more powerful if said the other way around
'so dive, the ink will always make your way
and surf the thoughts, the quill shall never gray'

you’re getting there….
sorry to be tough with you, but I want you to succeed :)
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I am really grateful. I got your point concerning the volta but I believe the problem is that the first and second stanzas are not well built in the first place so as to lead to a good volta. In the time being I don't see how I can do it better. Of course I like your suggestions and how you built it and rewrote it but I like to keep it as a Rula's sonnet,you see what I mean? I did many of the changes you've suggested here and there and will see if I can come back one day to emend and change in the first two stanzas to lead to a better volta.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

i'm glad to hear that you intend to come back to it some time

i'm very glad i haven't put you off
it is good now
but with some work it will be great
xx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

i have gone back and put the little border thingies around my comments
if you want the others to find you i would suggest you edit the title and add 'constructive feedback workshop'
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I liked this. Had no idea all us poets were so noble lol. There are a few thing I would have done differently :
S-1, L-4 try....gently laid at ease (seems to better describe what I think you mean to convey)
S-2, L_3 change lightly to gently
S-3, L-4 change uprise to arise
S-4, L-1 change gray to fray
.....L-2 change make to flow or guise ( whichever more closely matches intent)
Now just because I would make these changes doesn't mean You should as this is Your poem, not mine and a good one as is. I think the idea of poets struggling to produce good poetry comes through well.......at least I Hope that's intent lol........stan

excellent iambic and great rhyme and internal logic
a weak volta,as i have already said, but a volta of sorts
congratulations rula, on your first real sonnet

lol - imo of course
love and hugs
judy
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

This old codger didn't realize this is a sonnet so please disregard any previous suggestions which would betray that form............stan

Stan if you couldn't recognize the form so it is either I failed to show it
or that the sonnet didn't speak loud enough to show it self..Or BOTH
but you are far more intelligent not to notice...
I've already considered some of your tidy suggestions.Thank you

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

I'm sorry I am late to critique your fine poem. I like the title but think that you should have capatalized all the first letters of the title: Surfing Life's Waves. Iloved these lines as they ring so true:

Yet only poets safely surf and dive
without an anchor, oar nor saving boats.
No ships to ride nor surfing boards to drive
when simply quills arise alive with notes.

So surf the thoughts, the quill shall never fray,
and dive, the ink will always flow your way.

always, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

You are never late ,I understand life's issues shall never give us ease.
Thank you for your comment and the suggestion . I shall keep it in mind for
the coming times as well..Thank you.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

Happy you like it dear Beau . It was a good experience indeed . I believe I've learnt many things and I made use of my friends' useful suggestions..Thanks for reading and commenting and ah for the suggestion too..

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment
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