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STRETCHING WINGS SHOP (rhyming exercise)

Here is Triskelion's rhyming poem :

a man thought he'd find some repose
boarding crows in his very large nose
but he's mad when they litter
for they don't have a shitter
he's bitter they shit on his toes
yes, his shoes are a mess
you could certainly guess
he’s depressed more or less and it shows
so it’s cleaned with a scraper
and wadded up paper
it's a caper of state that he knows
the offending affair
only lends to despair
people stare everywhere that he goes
he complains to the birds
"I AM COVERED IN TURDS!"
the poor man with the crows in his nose

Now my free verse version (I also supplied a title since he had none)
BIRDMAN'S COMPLAINT

He wished that his nose
would only shade mushrooms
that way he'd have something to sell

But it being instead long and thin
with thick hairs within
it was fit for naught but a roost
for the crows.

The litter they left
not far down below
rhymes with the word spit
and vexed him since his shoes
always bore the shit,

This left him depressed
when he'd go out on the town
with a scowl on his refined face
for no scraper would remove the mess.

Nor would a rag or paper
relieve the mess.
And gentry stared everywhere that he went.
So every once in a while he'd scream at the birds
"You've covered my feet with your turds!"

This is an example of adding emphasis to a free verse by using a single rhyme....BTW the things to grade me and others on is :A. Does the new poem stay on topic B. does it flow well C. is it obviously a take off on the original

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

actually pretty darn good. Yes, yes and yes to your questions. The bits of rhyme definitely add flavour. Some really cool word usage also.
One thing I would change (and I think you probably meant to do it considering the lead-in) -last stanza line 2 "mess" to "stress"
Great job to a difficult challenge!

Thomas

....so like my lost dreams...the flood

then that's pretty good

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