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Stretching wings Part II...

This is Trisklion's poem.

a man thought he'd find some repose
boarding crows in his very large nose
but he's mad when they litter
for they don't have a shitter
he's bitter they shit on his toes
yes his shoes are a mess
you could certainly guess
he's depressed and more or less and it shows
so it's cleaned with a scraper
and wadded up paper
it's a caper of state that he knows
the offending affair
only lends to despair
people stare everywhere that he goes
he complains to the birds
"I AM COVERED WITH TURDS!"
the poor man with crows in his nose

This is my take on his poem.

For a little bit of extra cash
a man with a very large nose
sought some tweeting tenants
Figuring they were on the up and up
However, they were in repose
insomuch as they were dirty birds
that had no couth and resorted
to throwing their crap out the window
to the street below, soiling their landlord's
blue suede shoes and causing commotion
with passerby. Shouting his frustration
with all this shit, he says that now everyone nose
and that's the way that it goes!

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

You can do better than this

I see I will have to work harder at this. Let me see another's version of their assignment and try to figure out where I went wrong. ~ Geez.
.

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author comment

have written what passes for free verse but is actually chopped prose with very few poetic devices to make it Good free verse. I've seen you do better and thus am unwilling to see you not do better

I will take another stab at it. ~ Geez.
.

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Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
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author comment

For a little bit of extra cash [Greenbacks]
a man with a very large, veiny nose
sought some tweeting tenants [to help with the mortgage]
Figuring they were on the up and up, he chose some crows
However, they were in repose, insomuch as they were bedraggled, beatnik birds
that had no couth and resorted to throwing their shit out the window
to the street below, soiling their landlord's blue suede shoes
and causing commotion with passerby. Shouting his frustration
with all this yellow crap, he screams; "Now everyone nose my business"
And I'm covered with slimy shit!
.

Comments and critique are vital to this site!
Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
of a word is wrong, take the time to write a line or two
and comment. Your fellow poets will thank you!
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author comment

I knew you could do better.

I split a gut every time I read your version. It's like the whip cream and cherry on top of the banana!

Thomas

....so like my lost dreams...the flood

That makes my day! I struggled with it, as you can see by Scribbler's exhortation to do better than that. I finally took it to the limit and made it clear, that the landlord, had enough of that crap! ~ Geez.
.

Comments and critique are vital to this site!
Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
of a word is wrong, take the time to write a line or two
and comment. Your fellow poets will thank you!
.

author comment
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