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SPRING FEVER (final version relativity shop)

Let's sit beneath this poplar's shade
on this late spring afternoon
while heat shimmers distort the glade
summer time is coming soon

Drops of sweat dive off my nose
but we can drink some cold sweet tea
we're down to the minimum of clothes
to still maintain propriety

Bumbling bees provide a hum
as they pollinate the varied flowers
the tuneless background leaves me numb
after hearing it for hours

Tired air's so lazy it won't stir
it barely deigns to support birds
listen to the silence which occurs
usually at hearing obscene words

Through slits I see your eyelids drop
our breaths become measured and deep
'ere long our world will seem to stop
as we drop into tranquil sleep

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 


You have made this a lovely piece, the workshop has defined others thoughts, and I hope guided your quill to this end.
I wait to see what the others think,
Yours Ian.T

There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I Did have a bit of help from a certain Brit with this lol. Since I am lacking in technical expertise all I can hope to do with shops I run is get people to think a bit more deeply about what and how they write. I appreciate your participation..................stan

author comment

Love it. Can relate to every word. Takes me back down to S. FLA. But it fits just about anywhere spring is paying a visit. I like it very much. The only thing missing is the buzzing of tree frogs but if you listen hard, you can hear them too. Thanks for the moment.

Capt Jack

Gerald Walsh

Since this poem's original version as well as this final one was written for a workshop I tried to limit the length. I could well have included alltypes frogs, whippoorwills, darned mosquitoes and various other thing lol. But I'm very pleased that what I Did include got you to thinking about what was left out. I appreciate the visit and time to comment............stan

author comment
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