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The Skywalker
She was 10 years old
or thereabouts
That was the beginning
of her unravelling
Tucked up in bed
and kissed goodnight
Not a worry was in sight
no way of knowing the time
or date.
But this event
it changed her fate
It was dark, late
there must of been a fight
Anger lingered in the air
She could hear music
drifting up from downstairs.
Her door was open
which let in some light.
She pulled up the cover
and held it tight.
He sat on the edge of her bed
He started to stroke her head
He asked if she was awake
she didn't move or nod her head.
She could smell the beer on his breath
and the Irish sounded louder, slurred.
He leant in
over her.
Till she couldn't breathe.
and he whispered the words
That would never leave
I Am Not Your Father!
He carried on talking a while
trying to explain
But at that moment
the words were ringing in her brain.
That's when it happened.
that's when it started.
The unravelling.
He muttered something about
talking to her Mother
or her Brother.
But she never did
not then.
Not till she was twenty one
carrying a child of her own.
Review Request (Intensity):
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Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
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Comments
neopoet
Wed, 2023-04-26 03:46
Neopoet AI
Watch this space! Our AI is thinking of a response. This typically takes up to 10 minutes.
Candlewitch
Wed, 2023-04-26 05:53
I am very curious about your
I am very curious about your title. I want to think about this poem, for awhile before I answer/critique it, as it has significant meaning and emotions for me. I will be back, I marvel at your honesty...
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Sarah Shaw
Wed, 2023-04-26 11:27
Title.
Hello I generally title my pieces once I've written them.The Skywalker title came as reference/twist to the moment of Darth Vaders revelation he was in fact Lukes father. I used it to date the piece in time.
author commentGeezer
Wed, 2023-04-26 10:36
Whoa...
I can imagine the turmoil. I'm not sure about the emotion, but I can make a couple of guesses... I am impressed with the telling of the story. For me, I would rather that you ditch the method of capitalizing every line and write them out as you would a full sentence but broken into lines. [If you know what I mean]? I don't happen to think that the addition of periods after every line is necessary. I think most people will see it as messy. I do like the question marks and exclamation points approach though, as they denote a special mood or situation. A little work to tighten this up, and your tale will have more strength.
Nice job, ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Sarah Shaw
Wed, 2023-04-26 11:01
Thankyou for the suggestions
Thankyou for the suggestions.I'm afraid it was lazy of me to post without addressing the format. I will try to be stricter with my postings.
author commentGeezer
Wed, 2023-04-26 11:18
When I...
make these mistakes; [I do], I blame it on eagerness to post what I think is a good piece that says what I want to say. I do proofread before I post, but... [usually when I forget, that's when these things pop up]. Reading it aloud, is an absolutely great tool. LoL Not a big deal, I like the chance to interact with the writer and find out what they really meant when they wrote it.
~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Unca Fez
Wed, 2023-04-26 22:52
The Unravelling?
This gets mentioned at the beginning of the poem, that this point in time was the beginning of the unravelling. It is also mentioned at the end of the poem. Again, that this is the beginning of the unravelling. These two words signify a great deal. They raise the question of what direction does this unravelling take? What is unravelling? Is it her life? Her plans for the future? The connotation is negative, that bad things happen as a result of this incident. It is also apparent that the effect of the statement "I am not your father." is profound, since she hears/remembers little of what came after. It is just very hard for someone who has no life experience in this area to determine what the effects may be. There is no information about her prior relationship to the man who is not her father, so nothing can be gleaned as to where that relationship might go.
It is a powerful poem with very good imagery, but it raises so many unanswered questions... with just two words: the unravelling.
Thanx,
Steve
Sarah Shaw
Thu, 2023-04-27 02:09
Thankyou for taking the time
Thankyou for taking the time to review this piece i don't always realise what I've written or how it may be interpreted. I think I was trying to convey how a moment can shape you and stay with you through your life. The questions and doubts stay with you and we don't always have the answers we may seek. So the unravelling is be emotionally and psychologically.This poem is part of a collection which may be why it doesn't stand on its own so well
author commentUnca Fez
Thu, 2023-04-27 15:16
This poem is a part of a collection...
I would be very interested in reading the collection.
Thanx,
Steve
Candlewitch
Thu, 2023-04-27 07:28
hello Sarah,
hello Sarah,
I think this poem stands very well on its own! when I went through one of my episodes of unraveling, thinking back, they were disjointed. yours is very well communicated. the moment defined... and how it feels like time stops. it is almost like a splitting of personalities. I appreciate your poem and its possibilities. thank you for posting this.
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Sarah Shaw
Thu, 2023-04-27 15:04
Hello.Thankyou for your
Hello.Thankyou for your response and what you got from the poem x
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