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SIMPLE LOGIC

The world does not, revolve around us
It evolves, from within us
Life is not a privilege, on us bestowed
It is a gift, by us owed

Kindness is a virtue, which we respect
But, it is the thing, we most neglect
Life is not, that complicated
Unless, you don’t appreciate it

Hate, is something we should revile
Yet, it lives within us, all the while
And, if you really think it through
Caring, is so much easier to do

Simplicity, is the art of common sense
It’s not complicated, unless you’re dense
And predicaments, aren’t hard to pick apart
All you need, is a little heart

When the journey, becomes your goal
You’ll have satisfied your soul
Then, imagine what you’ll see
If your mind, is just set free

When your thirst, turns into greed
It’s not water that you need
And dirt, is best kept in the ground
There, it can be kicked around

Love, was made for us to hold
It’s not meant, to be controlled
So if your love is unconditional
You have reached, life’s pinnacle
WIZDUMBs by JA 769

Editing stage: 

Comments

This is a good message. A lot of people need these reminders on a daily basis and some still never figure it out!

If I could make a small suggestion, I think you should go back through and reconsider a few of the commas you have placed. Some of them are perfect, but others seem to break up one thought that doesn't need a pause.

Here are the ones which I think have an unnecessary comma or a comma that could be put in a better place:

The world does not, revolve around us (no comma needed here)

Life is not, that complicated (no comma needed here)

Hate, is something we should revile (no comma needed here)

 

And, if you really think it through

Caring, is so much easier to do (comma that is after "caring" would sound smoother after "through" at the end of the previous line instead)

 

Simplicity, is the art of common sense (no comma needed here)

And predicaments, aren’t hard to pick apart (no comma needed here)

All you need, is a little heart (no comma needed here)

When the journey, becomes your goal (no comma needed here)

And dirt, is best kept in the ground (no comma needed here)

It’s not meant, to be controlled (no comma needed here)

 

These commas grammatically do not need to be where they are, but if they are a stylistic choice that you are using to add extra pauses (and therefore extra emphasis), I think that's okay. If that is the case, I can imagine this as being read like a spoken word poem by the Beat generation. They had lots of pauses that we wouldn't see in a typical sentence, but were added to the poems to create rhythm and make the listeners think. Is that what you were trying to do? Is so, please disregard my suggestions above!

Looking forward to reading more of your work.

Take care, Kelsey

Advocates Coordinator

Critique, don't comment. Neopoet is a workshop and is designed to share your poetry, receive and make critique of the work posted, and most importantly, for you to evolve as a poet.

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Hi ja ja i appreciate your poem,it is inspiring and i love the point [life is not a privilege,on us bestowed it is a gift]

I think this is great, and thanks Kelsey for the comments above too as it's making me learn about punctuation a little more.
I read this fine with all the comma's as I guess I was reading them as part of the rhythm.
But I love the sentiments. And it really is simple logic....

Hi,

Great piece. I enjoyed the content & theme. I think punctuation in poetry is a tricky thing. You have do 100%, or none at all. I think it read fine, but I am a novice, & still learning!
Thanks for sharing.

i really love the message passed across. it really helps people to think more about life. welldone

i really love the message passed across. it really helps people to think more about life. welldone

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