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Senryu for you...

Ride out of the sun
The desert bare of living
Heat and hate bring guns

Youth don't know of life
They are too unforgiving
Children teacher wife

A hundred bullets
Thousands of prayers on my knees
Can't, not here, will it?

He whispers nothing
The silence of lips impressed
No warmth of the soul

Satin sheets and silk
Bloody handprints on the wall
Corpse dries in the night

No tears from cold hearts
Life sucks and so do vampires
Bathe in the moonlight

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
I thought I should make good on my promise to do some Senryu.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

a Japanese poetry that has three lines, short and evoke natural imagery. But I find it so hard to write three lines. I promise my self I will do it one day.

Beautiful presentation!

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

There are two different strings of what is called Senryu. Haiku deals with things, and places. Senryu has to do with people and emotion. I wrote two different strings to tell a story in each case; something that is not usual for either Haiku or Senryu. They both are meant to tell the story with the barest of 5-7-5 lines. I not only violated the rule of being able to tell the story with just those three lines, but I also deliberately rhymed! Still I am glad that you have enjoyed my work and I hope that it has encouraged you to try both forms. Whether you choose to follow these forms in the strict sense, or use your own, I'm sure that you will find that trying different forms will be a boon to your work. ~ Geezer.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

author comment

this hit me like a bucket of cold water or an unexpected slap in the face! it is Hard and full of raw emotion...blunt, violent!

these lines hit the hardest/cut the deepest for me:
A hundred bullets
Thousands of prayers on my knees
Can't, not here will it?

I think Jack is overturned because you didn't identify it as a seryu string.

I really liked this piece of raw emotions.

*hugs, Cat
ever eddy

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

for it to be hard and harsh; the vast majority of senryu is sad, placid and borders on the beautiful. I wanted to show the shadows on the other side. The grim reality of life. Yes, blunt; as though you are beaten over the head with the truth. I am deeply troubled by the attitude of some people who view the world as a place where you have to defend yourself from the monster of the establishment and our fellow beings. Thank you for the understanding. ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

author comment

it troubles me too. so I write it out. I really enjoyed this kind of tell it like it is poem! eddy applauds you!

*hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

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