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Schizophrenic

My head buzzes
like hornets 'round their nest
I can hear them faintly
far off in the distance
the voices
"You're going nowhere." they mock
"No one cares!" they tease

Louder and more persistent now
Laughter
Echoing down a long, empty hallway
"you're nothing!" they scream
"stop trying!" they screech

'Til the cacophony crests
and swells like a balloon
overlapping voices coming from all sides
"Nothing...everyone hates you...insignificant...
might as well die... do it... kill yourself..."
"Shut the fuck up!" I cry
And amidst the (final!) silence
as my head clears
I find everyone in the room
staring directly at me

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
revision: liked the flow of the voices being at the end of each stanza. Took Dan's wonderful suggestion of developing the teasing and mocking aspect of the voices. Meant to be read as if the person is in a crowded room, and is experiencing the voices, more and more, until they break.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Hi, Barry and I were wondering where you were a couple of days ago. Nice to see you again.

Say hi to both ID's. (infinite dwarfs)

~

I really, really like this one thanks for sharing, nice to see some familiar faces also!

Title is OK,
I like the language very much, particularly how the rythym jumps around discordantly in places, giving me the sense of confusion and frustration schizophrenics must feel.
The beginning is good, the ending is powerful, you put me right there in those shoes, under that scrutiny.

Good stuff, hope we'll see a lot more from you!

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

I don't know how it feels to be Schizophrenic, but your description is how i imagine it to be

lou.

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

All I had to work from was 3 psychology courses - one of them being abnormal psychology. I'm glad that it seems that the content is fairly authentic and accurate. As said before, this isn't autobiographical, though I have seen firsthand the damages of untreated mental disorder. Thanks again for the comments and feedback.

author comment

The problem with this poem is that it listens to itself too closely......no it doesn't......shut up! what do I know. I expect your poem is pretty accurate in its portrayal, but hope to never find out.................scribbler

It's nice to start to see old friends again!!
I love the end of this poem, the crowded room the people just looking at you. telling them to shut the fuck up.
I loved it. so who where you really talking to . To the voices in your head or the people in the room? My choice is both, because you really didn't want to be there. (speaking in the context of the poem)
Fast Eddie Esq.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

The person in the poem was talking to the voices in their head. It meant to read like the person was sitting in a room or people, distracted by the voices, letting them overpower him, until he broke. Naturally, I assume everyone would turn to look at him/her.

author comment

Shit, I have you all beat. YOU are the voices in my head. As far as I know, you're real.

;-)

~A

Jess,

perfectly disjointed...and the final line was sublime.

I would have liked more detail around the mocking and teasing aspect but I guess you can only take that so far.

I am not schizophrenic but we enjoyed the poem.

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

Well "we" enjoyed having you. =)

I'll take your thoughts into consideration. The motivation of the write is indicated in the above reply to Fast Eddie up there. And, keeping with that vein, the development of the voices would be a nice addition. I'll see what I can come up with.

author comment

Glad you came back, been missing the talented input.

Strange how you appear when Pugilist disappears lol.

Good to hear from you - welcome home !

Ian xx

TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW, BUT FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA

Oh, I didn't even now Jonathan was on here. Been busy with work, moving, buying a house, etc.. My creativity is next to nil ATM, but every now and again I'll come up with something. I'll have to drop by and check out some of your works again!

author comment

It is so good to see you! I loved your poem on this particular disorder. Having multiples can be just as distracting and disconcerting. Good title and the build up was great...

"Shut the fuck up!" I cry
And amidst the (final!) silence
as my head clears
I find everyone in the room
staring directly at me

love, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

However, it gives me more the feeling of depression/suicidal rather than schizophrenia. My uncle was schizophrenic and I guess this didn't remind me much of everything we went through with him. It might be because his flavor of schizophrenia was paranoia that it didn't fit for me.

It is such a secret place, the land of tears. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

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