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Up On The Rooftop (December Random Challenge)

Submitted by Rula on Sun, 2022-12-11 23:44

Up on the roof, before the door
I once stood still to hear a roar
I wasn't sure, I had no proof
Before the door, up on the roof

I used a stool to see behind
I peeked in vain, I tried to find
I feared to find a fearsome ghoul
To see inside, I used a stool

But now it's clear, I'm quite sure
The deceiving sound-just a lure
The wind blew in, and then shall veer
I'm quite sure, it comes now clear.

Style / type:

Structured: Western

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Last few words:

I always enjoyed the "Swap Quarantine"

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Contest:

December 2022 Random Challenge Up On The Rooftop

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Comments

Geezer

Mon, 2022-12-12 00:38

In the second stanza...

This is what I would do with the second stanza:

I used a stool to see behind
I peeked in vain, and tried to find
I feared to find a fearsome ghoul
But to see inside, I used a stool

I love the rhythm and the theme is raucous, and sharp.
A chanty kind of thing one might make up for kids.

~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Rula

Mon, 2022-12-12 04:31