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Poem in two movements

Time is composed from seconds
like music from notes.
There are a few rules to follow
otherwise
it more or less flies.
Life is from smiles
of millions of solders complying
with birth to death march
from the first hug
to the last breath,
from the first cry
to the last time being cried about.
A cozy confinement of love
from the first touches
to the last phrase
together
in photographic frames,
letting the cars to pass
sitting in traffic.

There is always an option
to glance inside out,
to turn upside down,
to escape the silence
of the perpetual march
from a balcony at night
with big and loud "wow",
seeing Chagall’s couples to fly by,
playing a violin in a deserted house,
whispering secret wishes
in an old wardrobe,
in the mess of a developing room
overexposing a random photo and
finding mysterious glow
under the bright stars
on a mountain road,
there is always
an unexpected pa.
Life is not boring
in fact.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
Last few words: 
this is one more and probably really the first poem in English
Editing stage: 

Comments

Oh wow!
When you posted this to 'Poets first poems' surely it was not written as a child or adolescent? It is deep in real life terms, not adolescent angst. I'm intrigued, how old were you when you wrote it?

You might be interested in a book 'Pip Pip' by by Jay Griffiths, a feminist perspective on time. As a fellow scientist/poet I see you see time not as a linear thing but a medium to be used and explored just as much as words or paint.

My own contribution to the subject is
'Time goes round in a straight line'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/poems/time-goes-round-straight-line

Here is my reading. May I post it to our Neopoet Facebook page? Or your own reading just give me the URL.
https://soundcloud.com/neopoet/poem-in-two-movements-by-irene-iriz-riz

Critique wise I have very little to say except about about form, structure and especially meter, but that's a huge subject that needs a long conversation and possibly some (eek!) exercises.

an unexpected pa. [not sure of your use of the word 'pa', perhaps a memory of father?]

You must know by now that I never flatter. I have to say it is tremendously exciting to be working with you, you have a talent and vibrancy that is like finding buried treasure.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Hello dear Jess,
It is one of three or four first poems I wrote in English in 2014.
I started writing in Russian, when I was a teenager, burned (literary) my books as I was told by my step father and left the country with a cast iron frying pan in my purse as I was asked by my mother, the pan didn't feet in her laggage when my family was flying to USA.
For about twenty years I was persuing scientific career and still publishing relatively regularly in respectful journals.
I had some eye opening experience three years ago and decided that I want to come out of the closet as a poet and I started writing.
I think my writing is still improving since then.

I am glad you enjoyed the poem.
Pa is a word for a figure in dancing.
(French/Russian influence) it is still part of English official vocabulary but rare, I think.

Yes, it is my honor if you post your reading on FB.

The poem has a fresh feel, but I think now i write better.
Best wishes, yours Irene

IRiz

author comment

You have certainly given a unique account of some background information about the evolution of a unique poet.

Keep serving out to us your poems...

Warmly...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Thanks again. I will try.

IRiz

author comment

expressing all about time
I am an expert poet of
TIME'S AGE
since time was born it took me along
you conveyed an initial impression
of being a younger person
but as any one can now see
you surf above the sea
and in terms of TIME
you will be a PILLAR
one day
some day
you may not b
but the world will c

you alone gave birth to SUNKU

ever great of you....

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