Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Time goes round in a straight line

When we check the time,
noticing that check also means stop,
with a clock or watch with hands that go round,
now like seconds,
in the now like minutes
or resonating in the now like hours,
like the Earth around itself,
around the sun,
in the near infinite now of the spiraling Galaxy
We are in and out of time and myth.
Free.

When we read a digital display
of this thing we call time,
the number gets bigger each time you look.
Digital time drags us inexorably to our deaths.
The bugger.

I like a sunrise,
a morning birdsong,
a shrinking shadow,
the timelessness of a story

I am forever unwrapping the eternal present.

 

Reading at-
https://soundcloud.com/neopoet/time-goes-round-in-a-straight-line
 

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
a lot of my inspiration comes from Science. Especially physics, mathematics and cosmology. This particular poem was inspired by a book called "Pip Pip: A Sideways Look at Time" by Jay Griffiths. It explores Time as a political subject, showing how indigenous cultures have diverse ways of considering time (past, present and future) but illustrating how one, single, European time is colonizing all these varieties of time. It is a manifesto for cyclical time and for the times of nature, of carnival, of play: and argues that women’s time is different from men’s. And the beauty of old timepieces.
Editing stage: 

Comments

kairos and kronos.

(((((((Whitetea))))))))

Welcome back!

~A

very revealing. This makes me feel that you have thought a great deal about time, and our place in and with it. Time is subjective... Projecting ourselves forward, standing still with it, and retreating in it, are what we all do. The philosophical nature of us all, leads to differences in the amount of time that we spend in every mode. You seem to move easily in each phase, and I look forward, to the work that you do in every one of them. Given the nature and tone of this work, I think that [deaths] is a slightly too strong word. I would rather see the word as end. ~ Gee

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

but you know where a lot of my inspiration comes from? Science. Especially physics, mathematics and cosmology. This particular poem was inspired by a book called "Pip Pip: A Sideways Look at Time" Jay Griffiths' first book, it explores Time as a political subject, showing how indigenous cultures have diverse ways of considering time (past, present and future) but illustrating how one, single, European time is colonizing all these varieties of time. It is a manifesto for cyclical time and for the times of nature, of carnival, of play: and argues that women’s time is different from men’s.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I do like the poem, love the last line in it, it is one I
wish I'd written. Your second line (in parenthesis),
to me is unneeded, it may be my total hatred for the
use of parenthesis in poetry, I rarely make it past any
use of them, but this is your poem, so I continued, and
was glad I did. I think the "now like" is good on one line,
but becomes a distraction quickly for me, and again, it
just may be me and my own dislike for repetition, unless
it enhances a statement, and in this case, (to me), it does
not, if you do keep them in, then perhaps a comma, or
even a hyphen may make it a smoother statement.

I also thought the comma between Myth and free unneeded,
and would make it a stronger statement.

just suggestions Jess ...

Richard

the last line comes from many holy books...

it's one we all write.

Thanks Jess.

~A

I'm right with you on the parentheses

but couldn't think of another way to say it.
Check means stop but it also means examine. I am totally open to suggestions here.

Can't agree with you on the "now like". to me it works as poetic repetition.

Also got to disagree on myth and free.
We are in and out of time and myth, FULLSTOP
Free

Thanks for your valuable input and if you can think of any way to fix that parentheses problem my ears are wide open. I'll give you a co-writers credit.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Let me think about the parenthesis thing, but the myth,
what about making it "time and myths (for there are many)"
and then some describing word before "free", would make
it more readably smooth ( or not, just something off the top
of my head) ...

Thanks Jess,

Richard

Thought provoking: This concept of the cyclic nature of time in our conciousness: the face of the clock, the earth going around the sun, the cycle of seasons.... versus this relatively new range "other" way of looking at time digitally... unidirectionally.... numbers increasing only ( the reset to 00:00:00 after 23:59:59 hardly seems cyclic).

I like the complete change of pace in the last 5 lines... this is the poet speaking, to my mind.

Particularly the last line which is beautifully expressed..

"I am forever unwrapping the eternal present...."

I read two meanings into this last line : if "Present" means "gift" ... the gift of time which we are continuously unwrapping..... if "Present" means "the NOW" that opens a whole new meaning.... the ETERNAL NOW.

Thank you, I enjoyed this read very much.

Psyve

I like this one very much.

Concerning brackets:

When you check the time
(notice check also means stop)
with a watch or clock with hands that go round,

when you check the time
- notice check means stop as well -
with a watch or clock with hands that circle

or something similar?

stanza 2, line one, I would use "display" instead of "representation", I think that would improve the flow, which broke down a bit for me, on that line.

Science and Spirituality...are diametrcally opposed only in other people's minds, heehee. They are in reality two halves of the same whole.

"With the heart and mind united
in a single,
perfect,
sphere...."

Rush, Hemisphere's....
...published such a long time ago it makes me feel old just thinking about it.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

When you stop to check time .... everyone stops to check
their watch, or whatever time piece they are checking, the now
keeps right on rolling, but we've stopped for at least a second,
to check.

I'm gonna comment now.....damn too late......I'll do it NOW......not fast enough. Guess I'll comment in the very recent past lol. I liked the read but have a few ideas you can consider. To eliminate parentheses you could write: which also means stop. An alternative for part of poem :
now like seconds
in the now
like minutes
or resonating the present like hours
as the Earth itself
circling the sun

Also seems to be too many now's and likes in here, but I've no idea how to avoid them. Just a few ideas from a beginner...............scribbler

the significance of this piece to me is in the deconstruct of our perceptions of time. Time being a measurement of motion. I remember summer vacation from school, when I was a kid, seemed to last measurably longer than the few months it actually encompassed. A fly lives for only a few days, but this is relative to its metabolism which is hyper. Time being stretched in perception by the quantity of activity expended in a relative amount of time.
As poets it is essential to step out of our preconceived ideas to grasp their limitations; time itself being a case in point. Tuning our perceptions by keen observation to the seeming truth of our understandings, and yet keeping an open mind to the possibility that we may be totally wrong will make us more honest in our poetry. We are what we like and dislike.
the first stanza could be consolidated to improve the flow a bit, although the repetition of the "now" I feel enriches the concept it conveys.
The second stanza was a little to clinical for my liking. It read like a journal
description.
The following stanzas were to me well conveyed and softened the piece to a heart felt level that blended the science within the heart. All in all a worthwhile read.

B

When you check the time
(in effect, stopping time for the moment)
with a watch or clock with hands that go round,
now like seconds,
in the now like minutes
or resonating in the now like hours,

....something like that Jess, I think, might do the trick, you can then keep the parentheses and you make your point simultaneously, so to speak...

~A

"Goliath" by Neil Gaiman
was
"The last twenty minutes have been the best years of my life"

Thanks bee

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

and we're coming to take you away ha! ha!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hnzHtm1jhL4

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

beautiful...
a great sense of reality .
well done

loved

it was inspired by a wonderful book called "Pip Pip: A Sideways Look at Time" by Jay Griffiths. Kind of a feminist/wiccan/socialist look at the human constructs of time.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

... that others have not, so I'll just thank you for the link, tell you I still hate free verse and mention that I like the perspective (as old and "parenthetical" as it may be).
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

This is by far the best I have ever seen from you! It has an exquisite theme, very pronounced use of language, and imagery to die for! My respect for you as a poet has grown exponentially!

actually it is a re-post learning to use the voice recording techniques Beau is teaching us.I've got no problem recording voice poems onto my computer, linking them to the text poem is the hard part.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Beau is brilliant. Just click on the link in the poem to hear me reading it.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I was the first to submit a recording on Neo.
Does this imply that girls (Beau and I) are smarter than boys? (smiles)

It was nice to hear you reading this though. It certainly adds a new dimension to the poem.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

perhaps you forgot to post it to Beaus workshop.I will look for it now.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Wesley's Workshop. My last submission" attaining a promising verse" :)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

I was the first person to post spoken word poetry on Neopoet, years ago when it was a built in feature.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

:) just kidding. Boys win ha?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

perhaps you forgot to post it to Beaus workshop.I will look for it now. Oh, you posted it to Wesley's Bottom Line. Perhaps you could edit the title to mention is has spoken word link.

love the poem.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

It's great to hear the poets voice again, I think the last time many moons ago there was a Kookaburra shouting in the background.
I enjoyed it a lot then and it sounds even better now.
I shall have to look into it or speak into it one day, but was trying to keep the Neopoets safe lol.
Well spoken on all of these new ones, Yours as always Ian.

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Very good there's nothing like hearing the poet voice

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

We are one with nature as nature is us;

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

last line of this is my favorite
i had not slowed enough when
this first was posted
but lately am taking care to focus
my addled ego
Very well crafted
Jess with vivid thoughts
about our singularity as
mortals with an expiry date

immensely liked this very much

Esker!

For kind comments and immensely valuable feedback.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

yes.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

makes me want to get nother watch
got into Bulovas for awhile
had an old caravelle self winder
and then a Marine Star
both beautiful affordable
arm bling

here we can hear the train yard
noon whistle....a small town they
used to fire up the siren atop
the water tank
which I wonder was there as
air raid siren...doubt it
but who knows

time and science fiction
never thought of time as a
theme in that context
but u are perfectly correct
Elf
and shrinking shadow
excellent line

thank U

Mr Wolf!

if you've got a laptop the microphone is built in, if you have a desktop 'puter you only need to plug in a microphone, better still a headset with mike.
Imagine! Imagine! If we could all hear each other in our own accents and dialects!
I've quite despaired of this when I assumed all poets were technically illiterate but now it is possible.
Let's hear each other!
Soundcloud to keep, archival, or Vocaroo http://vocaroo.com/ temporary for workshops.
I would so much love to hear your voices.
Remember poetry was spoken word for thousands of years before written language.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I can hear you are reading it.
Here is my answer you have inspired me to write:

Time
In a constant struggle between
development and degradation,
in fear and trembling,
I feel Time is my most hated lover.

One more reassuring touch,
a kiss and a stroke along
my shivering spine --
a wrinkle at the cost
of knowing that
I am better than before today
and not necessarily tomorrow.

Leaving my pleading glances
thoroughly ignored,
Time likes to play with me.

IRiz

I didn't think I'd done a reading. Done a new one anyway with effects. Link is at the bottom of the poem and here-
https://soundcloud.com/neopoet/time-goes-round-in-a-straight-line

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I meant it sounds in my head.

IRiz

The recording is interesting but the picture with it is about something completely different and distracting a bit to my opinion. :):)

IRiz

it's back to hairy ole me

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

retire? Don't you fucking dare.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Loved this - great to discover. The last line is an absolute killer (or creator) listen:

https://soundcloud.com/user528181418/time-goes-round-in-a-straight-line

Cheers,

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

ta Chris, I do believe in the healing powers of hearing our works in another voice. Your reading suggested to me a small but improving edit.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Vernacular aside, this is a great piece to read, don't bugger around with it too much..:) (Sorry Mark).

Cheers,

Chris

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

from 2011...I do not know the revisions you might have made. I agree with many of the posted comments, I think it's a good poem, develops nicely.
I would like to suggest ...
When dealing with metaphysical abstracts rather than make them a universal truth by using "you", keeping the whole poem in the "I" would make the whole poem more personal and believable in that as the "statements" are coming from you..like "We are in and out of time and myth."
to "I am in and out of time and myth" I cannot question you, you are taking a poetic metaphysical
stance from your universe. When you say "we" I am distracted to ask myself what that means because it's about me. It is not always possible to make all the statements personal in this type of poem, but this poem is strongest in the last part when you introduce yourself and I think would be strongest if all done in the first person.

In the second stanza, I think Bugger is too cute. It does not add...Using it right after the whole concept of the digital time, the numbers growing surrealistically, , and death, That whole idea is most interesting, in contrast to the hands of time.

It is very hard to pull off a poem dealing with such abstraction and paradoxes, and i think this poem has a lot going for it.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Click on the 'Revisions' tab. Haven't you found that yet? It is an important Neopoet tool, especial if you have protegees. Aren't you a Mentor yet? You would be a great one.

Bloody excellent suggestion. I changed the 'you's to 'we's, although I do think I managed to avoid a didactic or preachy tone with them.

'the bugger' stays, it is grounding, making it real and personal, and a weirdelf trait.

Thanks for the excellent critique, Mark.
And when are you going to jump back on the workshop horse? We need you and there are other workshop leaders you could work with. Think about becoming a Mentor too, is is especially rewarding.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

just never put it together concerning that aspect of revisions. Good to know. So if i really wanted nobody to see the originals would just just unpublish and re-post. right?
I will post my name to mentor. Thanks for suggesting.

I wasn't even sure what bugger means, and i find in the google it means like a hundred different things including:

bugger: penetrate the anus of (someone) during sexual intercourse; sodomize. (the one I know)
bugger; exclamation: buggeration used to express annoyance or anger.

One of my concerns with "bugger" was it's not a stable word.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

bugger, to Aussies is just an expression of annoyance.
It stays.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

And indeed, the queen's - bugger is in common usage, substitute "damn and blast" or even ""dash it all" - bugger is not at all used in the biblical sense in either case.

Cheers,

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.