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Pillow Fluff Clouds

The pillow fluff clouds
Gambol across an Azure sky
I labor under the sun
It brings relief and new life
To these winter weary bones

Mating calls fill the air
Waiting for the warm spring
Breeze, that will carry them to
Their intended

Deluges of rain
Scrub the planet
In anticipation of
Flora and Fauna’s arrival

I pause to take it all in
With a deep sigh
A smile
And an old tune hummed
I return to work the earth
From whence I come

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
I love the freshness and colors of spring
Editing stage: 

Comments

you have established a great connection between nature and humans...and how moods of nature affect us....i enjoyed it thoroughly...

much love..

raj (sublime_ocean)

There Is something very primal about working the earth in the warm days of spring. I have one short suggestion :
L-3 change a to the, unless there's more than 1 sun in N.C. lol
and one longer suggestion : I would reconsider using capital letters at the start of every line. In my opinion it can cause an unneeded pause in the middle of a thought which has not been completed in a previous line. Just a thought from a rank beginner..............stan

My favorite lines:

I labor under the sun
It brings relief and new life
To these winter weary bones

I can just see you out there under a sky dotted with puffy clouds, tending your garden!

suggestion:
instead of: From whence I come
how about:
from whence I shall return?

love, Cat

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

great descriptive....
but i would rather see it punctuated (just mho)
i think it would read better...

i really like the vision of the pillow fluff clouds gambolling across an azure sky....

love judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Hi Chrys, hope you're feeling better...I absolutely identify with your love of springtime. It's my favourite time of the year. But, honestly, Chrys, if you read this poem from another member, how would you critique it?

Imo, one must put one's heart and soul into a poem, looking for *stylized words* is not enough. For instance, from whence I come as an ending?

pause to take it all in
With a deep sigh
A smile
An old tune hummed,
I return to earth.

A tiny change, but infinitely stronger and more effective, no? The extra last words were anti-climatic, imo. There's a couple of other places in the poem that can use judicious snipping.

~A

I'm just rifling through my "China Blue" library and went this time to the oldest. Only three months? That make me a codger. Of course, I believe you were here in the legendary "Old Neo", so I'm still wet behind the ears. I'm waiting on missive's return, but thought I would comment on a couple of your antique posts instead of just reading them.
First my opinion on two things (and this is opinion only). Scribbler and JudyAnne brought these up, so I'll go with it. I do not like the tradition of capitalizing each line no matter how old the tradition may be. In my ear it screws with a punctuation (intended or not) in the poem. As though I were constantly starting a brand new sentence with each verse.
I'm often surprised to see the poets that use it the most are writing predominately free verse. It's almost as if it were the obligatory "rule" to be adhered to in a semi rule-less environment. I do, however, consider it an absolute poet decision. One MUST hold to a sonnet's form if you want to call it a sonnet, but capitalization does not fall into that category.
JudyAnne said she would like to see it punctuated. Me too. Again, this is an old tradition of free verse poets and must be left to the poet to decide. I don't like English without its appropriate punctuation, but I have read too many poems (some by Scribbler, Geremia and you) without the aid that still rocked my boat.
I guess they call me The Grammar Cop for good reason and not all of it good.
Kaila didn't like your last line, but I can see you revised the poem (with one of Stan's suggestions at the least) and did not change that last line. I did not see it as anticlimactic, but rather a clearly stated finish at that point we all exist.
"From dust thou art made..."
It left the poem with a soft, albeit epic, return to what the poem was all about in gentler, more human tones.
I've mentioned it before, but again I say that your poetry always manages to find a single, subtle emotion that you comfortably fit into a larger one. These emotions are as varied as the poetry here, but have one thing in common. They are difficult to ignore.

Even if you are a... free verser (shiver).
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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My goodness more comments on and old poem. thanks very much
Spring has sprung here and yes I love it

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

author comment

Ok point taken on the capitals but I still will not punctuate as long as I use line breaks which I do
I have been with Neo oh my it has to be at least four years now maybe so then we call it a compromise
Wow this is an old one written last year just before Spring obviously

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

author comment

I suggest you DON'T change all first letters to caps... old fashoned and boring. Just my opinion.

love, Cat

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

... sorry, but I agree. Old fashioned and boring... Cat said it, not me! wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

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