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Out In The Cold
Out in the Cold.
Night black as pitch, a mere, mortal refection of an emotional grave.
An arid place where only the amber of a cigarette glows like a mistaken moon.
The bed is too big, a carnivorous one that never knew a soul but me and a toiletry of thoughts.
A mistress of night.
Taken for a fool, lied to, died on, loved, and left.
The one left behind not to come calling at the door.
No longer a one left to control, or waste time with.
No unsuspecting loser to crush and drag down in my deep abyss like a succubus.
No one here but me all alone, to rust with no one to play with, or to be played upon.
An ice queen frozen in time but for the movement of ash, hitting a blackened floor littered with the bones of dead motivation.
A lone coyote in the birch trees yips and understands the howl of my carnivores’ soul bouncing off the forested walls.
This is what a pit of hopelessness and regret feels like…and I am the very bottom.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
I wrote this about how I felt after my ex boyfriend died 22 years ago. A particular song by Judas Priest "Out In The Cold." reflect these emotions almost every time I hear it still so I wrote about it. Thanks much.
Editing stage:
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Comments
weirdelf
Fri, 2016-10-21 12:14
Wow! What a great first post here.
Raw and evocative, savagely honest.
I don't want to add any crit to this piece. Sure there are ways it might be improved poetically in some ways, nothing's perfect, however it deserves to stand as it is, IMO.
I look forward to your next work.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
lovedly
Fri, 2016-10-21 15:11
you have the right first comment on free verse
but as I only compose and know
free verse
a few words
let me now across your page traverse
your poetry as it's maiden is good
but some longer lines take away ones breath
kindly curtail 'twould be good
for both reader and you
see,the aim of neo is to read more
comment more
then for every two you post
comment at the maximum
or most
all the best
you've been here
only 5 hours
this is an example of my free verse
short may be sweet
do tweet
Keith Logan
Sat, 2016-10-22 08:06
Welcome
Hello to you and welcome to a friendly community. Your written work exudes energy and power. It is evocative of emotion and the placement of said emotion. That first line really captures the attention. I'm a rhymer but was captivated by the intensity of your write. Thank you and do stick around.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
Phoenix
Sat, 2016-10-22 16:42
out in the cold
thank you guys i am not truly familiar with what my own style is lol! thank you so much for the in put.
author commentlovedly
Thu, 2016-11-17 20:40
so glad
you do