Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Our Father's Keeper...

Please come out now
the danger is past
We have made certain
that this is the last

Your refuge is safe
no more poachers to flee
You'll continue to thrive
protected and free

We have taken such care
to make sure that it's so
We'll keep you secure
though still free to go

We recognize,
you still have your needs
We are your keepers
feel free to breed

We know independence
is worth the good fight
We will never forget that
It's your basic right

So come out now, please humans
Don't fear us, we ask
You're safe now, we promise
Your future's our task

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
After watching a program about A.I. future. Made some changes that I hope will make this flow a bit better and no clanging. I made one last change in the last line. I felt that the use of safe and safety so close together, made the last line a little unwieldy and changed it to read future [which I think says a little more.]
Editing stage: 

Comments

I guess I must be reading it slightly differently to how you meant it (I believe I understand what I think you said, but I'm not sure you realise that what I heard is not what you meant [grins]) because I took it as a satire on sacrificing liberty for safety.
The title is clever. We create the AIs, we are their fathers. Ever seen that show "Person of Interest"? Really smart look at the benefits and dangers of AI. Another good fictional perspective is in Iain M. Banks 'Culture' SF books.

A bit problematical to me-
no more poachers you see [that 'you see' for the sake of rhyme clangs]

A good, economical and amusing write,
thanks mate.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

not as sacrificing freedom/liberty, but as a forced issue. Much like the way we have treated the vanishing species that we have put in that situation, by our wanton and rampant disregard for their environment. Of course, the A.I culture has not done this to us, but we ourselves have made it so. They have taken charge of humanity and like we have done with species on the edge of extinction, manage our survival. I'm glad that you like it and will work on that line to make "clang" less. I have already written an edit, but did not view that line as problematic, so I will refrain from posting the edit until I have worked out the issue with that line. ~ Gee.
.

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

author comment

This is what Neopoet is about, eh?

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

indeed, this is what Neo. is all about! I posted, you critiqued, I revised and came away with a better poem. Thank you. ~ Gee.
.

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.