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My Name Is Damien Stryker(WORKSHOP SUBMISSION)

My name is Damien Stryker
In life
A beguiling rogue ,born to royalty
Nary a care in the world
Believing in neither God or Satan

On a ride to my home
A road taken many a times before
My horse began to rear
Ah but what is this I hear
The trees are chanting my name
Voices drew near
Captured
I was set upon an Altar
As a sacrifice to whom

By a pale yellow moon
Slashing from ear to ear
Toe to throat
I became no more
Than a sacrificial goat
Ruby blood covering the altar
No more was my soul immortal
Reborn as the son of Satan
Who will baptize me in blood

An unquenchable thirst
Overcame me
The mere site of crimson flowing
Excites,

What then the purpose
Of my rebirth
Why to wreak havoc
Upon living earth

Last few words: 
using the suggestions of the good folks here I have attempted to correct errors and bring the poem into one tense . Hopefully I did it properly Chrys submission for workshop storytelling in verse
Editing stage: 

Comments

Wesley
I could not find the appropriate menu for this workshop there is not a tab as yet

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

author comment

The workshop you chose is an old one. You should be able get to the right one now.

To the poem. First, I love a fantasy tale, so you've already got me.

I noticed a flip flop in tenses. This is one of my biggest problems through my large poem. I inadvertently switch back and forth from present to past tense. Your poem seems to be in present tense, but then you have

"voices drew near."

"they slashed from ear to ear."

"Ruby red blood covered the alter."

I believe you effectively changed tense with

"No more was my soul immortal."

That makes baptized work as we are now in the present tense "after" the sacrifice.

Personally, present and past tense have always had it out for me. It is all too easy to slip back and forth without noticing, but I think it is important in any poem. Doubly so in a story.

As for the exposition, I think it works. You've introduced our chief character, quickly explained what sort of weird fix he's in and are now prepared to tell a story with the character.

More importantly, you have me hoping you will finish the tale. I think that's the best guage of success.

Does anyone one else have a thought about the tenses. Did I over react or miss one?

wesley 

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Thanks as you say I must do it inadvertently but it still works aha got ya did I well I will wait until others post and it is time for round two
thanks for the input
Chrys

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

author comment

I love this character, and in general i think the poem works, but i think you got a little to caught up with the exposition in the first stanza, it reads a little like a list, and like Wesley I noticed the changes in tense.

Good start

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Thank for your input . How does one undo a conscienceless problem. Guess I will have to work on that. How would yous suggest I fix the other problem you see. Did I ramble on to much ?

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

author comment

I didn't think you rambled. Some of the exposition wasn't as clear as I would like. It took a second read for me to grasp it all, but grasp it I did. I believe that when telling a story however, you really DO have only one chance. The reader has looked at the poem and seen a little more size than your average poem (or a lot more in my case) and is generally unprepared to read it twice to understand. The reader is going to read once and move on in the story. The story drives him/her forward, so clarity is key.
As for fixing the habit of switching tenses I can only offer what I have done. Write a dozen lines then read them solely with an eye to the tense. I'm better now, but I still go through stuff I write and find a dozen different tenses. Since there are strictly speaking only three, I think that's quite an accomplishment.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I would say so unless you've come up with other tenses. Lol I don't know maybe I'm am not into writing as much as I should be or once was.
thanks for the input
Chrys

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

author comment

Nice exposition. I didn't think you rambled. You could even give more, but this is ok. The lines I didn't really get (seemed incomplete to me) are quoted:

"A set upon an alter
A sacrifice to whom"

And then you jumped right into a new stanza, so I was left hanging a bit. This piece sets the mood for what I think will be a gory tale. Hope it ends well. I'm looking forward to the first victim...

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

I'm sorry my apologies
the original stanza was

I was set upon an alter
A sacrifice to whom

I hope this clears it up
I'm surprised you were the first one that saw this thank you for ponting it out

I have to go over the next submission to see if it meets the outline

to be honest it is an on going project and does not have an ending as yet
thanks for your insight and unput I appreciate it
Chrys

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

author comment

However I offer some pedantoc revisions:
L4: Change 'neither believing' to 'believing neither'. It just flows a little better in my opinion.
L7: Cut 'on' as first word; it's kind of redundant.
L13+20: Wrong spelling of 'alter', it's 'altar' (don't worry I ALWAYS make that mistake:p)
L15+16: I found who they were sacrificing a little vague. Maybe just repharse a little for clarity.
L20: cut 'red', ruby is sufficient.
L19: repetition of sacrifical as an adjective
L25: maybe 'became' rather than 'overcame'. Just a suggestion.
L26: Wrong spelling of 'site'. Use 'sight'.
L26: Again choose red or crimson. One will be sufficient enough in getting your image across.

Sorry for those^^;!

I really enjoyed this and can't wait to read more:)!

PS. Please excuse any typos; I'm using a different broswer to my usual and it hasn't got spell-checker!

You know I made that correction last night but for some reason it did not take it as it was queried by William as well

I was set upon an altar for the purpose of the first part of the workshop ther than the spelling I believe I will leave the rest as if
thanks for picking up on those errors

note spell check does not always work
example the word there and their you may have wanted there but type their spell check see it as correct

or for that matte rthe word Alter and Altar lol

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

author comment

I've attempted to use suggestions put forth in this workshop. I hope the edit has improved the work

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

author comment

Don't wait for me. If you've more... post it.
And Michelle, I think you've become my moderator. Good suggestions. How about hitting mine? wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

that Wesley overeacted to the changes in tense. All too often, they can make or break the flow of the poem. [This time, the changes were not real noticable, but they do make a difference].I didn't see any that Wesly missed, so if you fix them, you should be good to go on to the next stage. ~ Geezer

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

I did fix them

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

author comment

I think you've led us in the story very well, exposition complete
for me ... there were a couple of suggestions I wanted to leave.

I felt the "in life" unneeded, or be added to previous line.

A road I've taken many a times before ... either, many a time,
or, many times before.

No more was my soul immortal,
Reborn as the Son of Satan ... my question here is the word
immortal, if your soul is immortal, wouldn't the son's be as well?
Perhaps something like; mine for choosing, or along those lines,
I don't know, it was just something that occurred to me while reading,
thought I'd share.

Good theme ... thanks for posting!

I came back to read again, as now I have time to comment. Excellent and interest inducing beginning... Persuasive... YES!

always, eddy styx (& cat)

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