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My love song to God
You are the reason I live
You're the one for me
To you forever I'll cleave
Cause am lost in your melody
See me as am radiating
People ask me why
I tell 'em that your love is where am basking
And Ahma continue till I die
Your grace and your calling despite my flaws
Owh how beautiful thou art
Am hoping to see you in the days of yore
Where your love is the only work of art
Right from the start, you knew I'd fail attimes
Yet you fired me up. Wow!!
Am short of words to say most times
Cause you keep amazing me. I dunno how
Now unto the work you've called me to
I ain't the best but you chose me
You've loaded me so much that it's endeared me to you
Owh how I love the fragrance of your majesty
I hereby make a solemn pledge
That in my time, the world will burn for you
To discover more of you, I'll search and search
And then I'll flood the nations with this knowledge too
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Keith Logan
Fri, 2017-07-21 04:37
Two things
1) Proofread.
2) As a theist I'm frankly embarrassed to mention the other.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
mand
Fri, 2017-07-21 05:53
Plus points = Very heart felt
Plus points = Very heart felt - appreciation and love is oozing out of this poem. Rhyming is good - could do with being tidied up on the third stanza.
Negatives ( only my uneducated opinion ) =
Second stanza needs tidying up.
See me as am radiating
People ask me why
I tell 'em that your love is where am basking
And Ahma continue till I die
maybe:
When people see me radiating
they often ask me why
I tell 'em that your love is where I'm basking
and will do 'til I die.
Third stanza:
Your grace and your calling despite my flaws
Owh how beautiful thou art "oh"
Am hoping to see you in the days of yore
Where your love is the only work of art. double "art"
Not sure what you are trying to say - especially with the third line "days of yore"?
On the whole I love the enthusiasm and energy you've put into this poem - and with a little tidying up it will make a fine accolade to your God.
Thanks for sharing
Love Mand xxx
Eumolpus
Sat, 2017-07-22 23:53
your poem
as one not affiliated with religion, this scares me
I hereby make a solemn pledge
That in my time, the world will burn for you
To discover more of you, I'll search and search
And then I'll flood the nations with this knowledge too
No thanks. I think we've had enough crusades, inquisitions, jihads, and holocausts.
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
Eumolpus
Sat, 2017-07-22 23:54
.
.
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
Barbara Writes
Sun, 2017-07-23 00:58
Nice poem
I sure he appreciates your efforts.
Nicely written if everyone followed the laws and principles from the source of all life the world wouldn't be so wicked. One day life will be better. Till then we pray and thanks god for what we have that is good.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
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