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My Love (A New Form workshop) Morphing final edit

Damn the red roses
They prickle and aren’t quite true
Just know I love you

I will tell you in short lines
Things I am going to do

I was going to build you a castle
Way up there in the air so cool
But all I could do was make a ramp to you
Life just isn’t that fair to us, too much hassle

See
It
Hurts me
That you left
Just hope the pain goes
We spent all our time loving so free
Just call me on the phone so that I know where you are.
I shall not wait for you, there is no us now, I will forget you, and try to live my way.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
NB: -Tanka, followed by a normal rhyming stanza, ending with the Ramp of the Fibonacci form, The next line would be 34 words well if you can, just carry on lol. I have edited the last line to comply with the way the workshop form was supposed to be. This has been edited, and now can take its place in the next part of the workshop.
Editing stage: 

Comments

I know so little of these forms that I can't see them. I will wait for others more knowledgeable to comment then comment again.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Thank you for your visit, in my streaming I put the three ways of this piece, later when there is more time we can go into these different types, thanks again,
Yours Ian.T

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

I can see the morphing very clear, but the question is, how does it help , if it really does.
I thought the change should serve in a way. I can't see how it does here. Maybe only me.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Already Sunday over there? lol. One of the fundamental things about a morphing poem is that it must be used in a poem which has some type change within the poem. Such changes as from happy to sad, dead to alive, chaos to peace. So the form is Not suitable for all forms. The morphing should emphasize a change already within the writer's mind. Another thing that helps is if you use a rhyming stanza as a tool for change the rhymes should really be exact not near rhymes(at least in the Main rhyming stanza) near rhyme can be used as a stage building to or trailing away from perfect rhyme.

Now it might just be my thick skull but I fail to see the change within the poem which you are trying to mirror in your form changes. But the changes in the forms themselves are interesting. I can see where that"ramp?" form could be really useful in dealing with something in which complexity of subject increases as the poem moves along. ...................stan

I used a Morph that changed very little, so I had to break my heart and make it right for your workshop, as you need a change in circumstances to go with the way of things , now this goes from love to indifference, hope this complies to the workshop.
Yours Ian.T
PS:- now the ex wont even call me lol

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

Now what you need to ask yourself if the fairly severe change in form matches up to the change within the poem. There will be a minimum of judgement as to what is "right" and "wrong" in this shop. ALL poems will help us in understanding the best uses for this form and how to impliment them most effectively............stan

I concentrated on the change of form in this one but can write many with severe changes, but now I think it conforms to the outline of the workshops needs.
I made it short and put in three very different types of poetry the last one being a form we have touched on but rarely use so I thought that it would be something new as my now new life is after the breakup with my love, lol
Yours, Ian.T

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

You really should pay a bit more attention to the shop thread lol. I asked that nobody post edits to their poems, except typo and spelling edits, until after everybody had posted a poem.This give the original poem more time to gather comments and also give the writers more time to think about changes they might make. But your cat is now out so there you go. But you will still have another chance to post a final edit later on..........stan

I just wanted to conform to the changes you required for this shop, I shall wait now for the catch up thanks for your crit.
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

The reason I prefer edits not taking place now is to avoid folks having to return too many times to the same poem. By having all edits take place at the end I hope to streamline this shop and not have folks drop out from boredom. And you dis very well in using that last form which I expect nobody else would have even thought about.........stan

we all are in search of something ideal
but when we look into ourselves
we feel we are idle........

A BOY LIKE YOU

beautiful analogy of yours....
all girls will have to wait a life time...
for such a boy -----
so lovingly ideal----
she will stare at the rising sun...
day in day out ......
let her not imagine the world has perfect men....
neither am I nor are you.....
still our gfs and spouses make do-----

but you are right...
let her await the kind of a man====
she has in her mind too ...
so that she can also like us====
make do ...

a boy like you have in mind
can you find for her too...

A sine wave curve in poetry
one not knowing
what another's wants are

I thought the change from the tanka to the rhyming stanza worked well but there is an inconsistency. The speaker says he will say what he is "going to do" but never does. He proceeds to talk about what he WAS going to do. I think some kind of bridge stanza would help. And, thinking about Stan's comment about the morph going with the change in tone, it seems to me the last two stanzas should be in the same form since they are both about the disappointment in love.

Did you miss this stanza where I say:-

I was going to build you a castle
Way up there in the air so cool
But all I could do was make a ramp to you
Life just isn’t that fair to us, too much hassle.

I said about building a bridge and then ending up with a ramp in the form of the Fibonacci form, then there became a ramp to return to the love or not.
All the edit will take place later so hold in there,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

or text Ian

You are doing fine, this is a fiction piece, so it is just written.
The comments and edits come at a later stage of the workshop.
Take care Young Bard,
Yours Ian.T

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

kkkkkkKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKAY

I like the directness and the simplicity of this piece. This gives it a lot of poignancy and authenticity. It is reading the contents of a diary where one just pours his heart out. This kind of writing has always impressed me.

cheers

Leonard Daranjo

"When the waiting stops, the living begins"

The three or even four forms in this one was the reason for the write.
It is pure fiction and falls off the end of my pen splattering on virgin paper to amuse the many, or puzzle them, most of all I hope it makes them think.
Yours with thanks, Ian.T

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

This site has changed a lot. Without meaning to offend, I think we, at Neopoet, are more hung up on form than real poetry. Poetry that concentrates on form more than being a vehicle for expression of one's feeling is devoid of soul. I see very little poetry going on - most of it is juxtaposing words forced into a predetermined
form.

I feel - and this is just my humble opinion - that when a poet writes, he must t lose himself to his feeling following a rhythm that his his inner being dictates so that it exudes that intangible power and passion that runs through the poet's blood stream.

For me, when I try to force my words into a mold, I lose contact with what I am actually trying to say. From there on, I find myself merely dabbling in words.

I remember, when I first discovered the Haiku, I became obsessed with it. I started fountaining dozens of them until I realised "What the hell am I doing".? Why am I cutting off the umbilical cord which nourishes my poetry? That was my response. It may not be true for all and further, if people are having fun sacrificing poetry at the altar of form, who am I to judge. I know that form is an integral part of poetry but form should not be inhibiting.

Having said whatever I have said, I do believe that the collaborative writing which is being experimented with on this site is indeed good.

Don't get me wrong, I am not against all these formatted styles but, too much of it, is a bit stifling.

Don't take me wrong or take this for arrogance, this is just the way I feel and I feel I need to express it.

Cheers

Leonard Daranjo

"When the waiting stops, the living begins"

"I do believe that the collaborative writing which is being experiment with on this site is indeed good." thanks for the positive review. It makes me feel good to know you feel that way, despite your feeling that haiku is a form of poetry writing that cut off the umbilical cord which nourish your my poetry.

Japanese poetry is just a form. Today poetry modernized is also a form I welcome. I write poetry my way, but think learning form of past successful poets is also vital, but not to be taken as the only form to write. It was new to them, Now we make our own style. And thanks for joining my Japanese formed poetry ws.

.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

I was not particularly referring to the Haiku. I was talking about all rigid formats. I believe that a poet should follow inner drum beat - like Walt Whitman. He also follows a format but he makes you feel like you are simply moving mellifluously down the stream of consciousness embracing you with his passion and inspiration.

Cheers

Leonard Daranjo

"When the waiting stops, the living begins"

It is exciting to hear your positive thoughts on collaborative work here at NeoPoet and I hope to include you in my SERIOUSLY experimental storytelling workshop. Whether or not it can even work will be determined by the efforts of poets like you. I will be running the "experimental" workshop (did I mention it will be an experiment?) following Dramatic Verse.
Now as to form. I have always felt that "rules were meant to be broken", but we must have rules to break. For example: meter in poetry is not a dictate on how to write, but rather a way of "describing" the rhythm of a poem. That rhythm is paramount, but I also think that if you cannot scan a poem for consistent meter then likely the rhythm of the poem is choppy and unpleasant. I enjoy the classical forms not because they are a way of limiting my poetry, but rather as a challenge to structure my language. The forms liberate me and drive my creative engines.
I do however, agree with your sentiments that if the form becomes all then the poetry suffers. There must be balance between the two. Bach wrote in a very classical and traditional form, but his creative genius is beyond reproach.
Just because we walk between two lines on the asphalt does not mean we cannot dance.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I will be glad to take part in your experiment. It will indeed be a challenge to our creativity.

Cheers

Leonard Daranjo

"When the waiting stops, the living begins"

I know what you're saying. An I agree you should follow your own style. Rigid formats can be stifling.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

Not to worry, I still write as I use to but now just take more care, and as to form I usually tick free form on my poems.
I can't stand formality it is like being in a dictatorship.
Nowadays we find that many write as they think and I am all for that, my previous knowledge of poetry was that it was something I wrote that sounded OK or someone said OH! that's nice lol.
It is like all things we learn the basics and then do as we want to, take the piano, we learn the basic notes and the flats dabble in the odd classic piece then go play Jazz this is how poetry should be.
Now we have a fad of joint writing, not sure if after fun it is of value, makes all the sheep walk in the same direction lol.
Now if we had a theme and each was asked to write in their own style on that theme, then you would see the individual excel and come to their own.
I have never read any Shakespeare and never will, it to me belongs to that age, and those players who entertained the people in small numbers.
I will get hell for this but who cares, Neopoet is a workshop, it should teach all aspects of poetry, from Graffiti to Classic, and not be stuck in a correct form place.
The old artists use to gather together and compare notes but not styles, colours not paint strokes, from Constable to Picasso if they were all taught the same see how much we would have missed, the same applies to poetry.
Thanks for your comment it was much needed, to bring a little sanity back,
Yours as always Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

I think I see the morphing through the poem. Though I know little about morphing.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

Morphing has been around a while just put the name into the search engine then you will see the layout, I used the Japanese and a normal type of poetry then the Italian type but had to go back to the drawing board to comply with the workshop progress lol.
You take care and have a quiet day, Yours Ian.T

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

Yes I researched it a little for this WS. Being it a new form for me it takes my feeble mind (lol) to grasp it. I think I got it. I'm still waiting on Stan's input.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

I loved the theme and the introduction but become confused with the rhyming part.
I have seen the format -
a
b
a
b

and

a
a
b
b

but yours is like
a
b
b
a

Maybe I'm not used to it. Also learn something new. Ramp of the Fibonacci form. Hmm. What's the format? As far as for your morphing go,, I'll say its nicely done..

Alid

I wrote this one for the workshop but then there was a great pause in the workshop, or I had published this one too soon.
So I wrote another and thought I had removed this one.
Fibonacci form is where the words go:- 1-1-2-3-5-8-13-21 where each line is the addition of the previous two lines, Jess ran a workshop with this form in a while back.
The way the Neopoet stream puts the poem out as a ramp was ideal in this piece but normally the form would be centralized, forming a pyramid of verse.
In the new piece which you have commented on it shows a downhill sort of feeling whereas in this one it is shown as a ramp to the love again.
Good fun but quite hard to compose..
Take care out there, Yours, Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

Has this been edited or should I be looking at a different poem?

The last line of 34 words has been edited can't recall if there are other words changed.
The ending has been changed from returning to the love at the top into the words where the person is not going to return, this was changed to conform to the changes Stan requested, not sure if you are reading this one very well.
It goes from a love of a person in wanting to build casles in the sky to a couldn't care less person going to find another love in his/her life.
Cant really understand the problems you are having here.
Yours Ian.T

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

I think it would help if we keep the original on the same page. That was what Arrow looking for

Otherwise we need to check the revisions, which is very effective to find the changes, I think.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
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The original of this write seems to have disappeared,
In the original the lovers would be re-joined because there was a ramp built up by the last form to the love at the top.
But due to the workshop wanting to morph the theme I changed the theme a bit from, building things for my love, to returning to my love. In the first poem.
Then in the edit it was from being in love and building things, to not wanting to be there any more and moving on.
Hope this is an OK explanation, Arrow is having problems with this workshop and this poem, I haven't the time to go through the whole thing again, I was going to write a completely new one, and did, I put it on line as a non-workshop poem.
It was called "A Bad Day In Iraq" may-be I am having a bad day or so with this workshop lol.
Take care young Lady,
Am thinking of you out there,
Yours Ian.T

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

Why do I think that if you have just reversed the last whole stanza (make it upside down) that would serve the poem better as the descending shaped-form will indicate the lover's disappointed tone.
Does that make any sense to you?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

Damn the red roses
They prickle and aren’t quite true
Just know I love you

I will tell you in short lines
Things I am going to do

I was going to build you a castle
Way up there in the air so cool
But all I could do was make a ramp to you
Life just isn’t that fair to us, too much hassle

I shall not wait for you, there is no us now,I will forget you and try to live my way
Just call me on the phone so that I know where you are.
We spent all our time loving so free
Just hope the pain goes
That you left
Hurts me
see!

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

The Fibonacci form is where the words go:-
1-1-2-3-5-8-13-21-34- where each line is the addition of the previous two lines, in this form I cant see it being reversed.
I think that the whole point of this exercise was to turn the theme around and use a series of poetic forms to write a piece.
We will have to ask Stan which is the correct layout for this workshop.
Thanks for your attention to this write,
Yours as always, Ian

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

as I illustrated. I have seen such forms used both ways. and it is just then called "reversed Fibonacci"
But yes, I agree with you. Let's see what others think.
You're the most welcome.
I paid it more attention because I like it.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

Thank you young lady your views are always welcome to me and I hope we spend many more hours talking of things as we walk through life,
Yours Ian

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

Thanks for your support in this one, yes the "reversed Fibonacci" would be a good thing to use in some poems, it to me would be ideal in a thunderstorm, depicting the anvil shaped cloud that is usually present.
I think the normal format is triangular, but Neopoet just puts it to the left, so I utilized that for the Ramp in the poem.
I edited the ending so that it changed mood from wanting to go back to forgetting and getting on with another life.
It's good fun to try these other forms and I didn't find it hard to do.
Take care young Lady, Yours Ian.T

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment
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