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A Muse In the Park

Submitted by gregwa8 on Thu, 2018-06-28 22:04

I waited in line for the amusement park
One of a hundred electrically-charged quarks
The line snaking around like a question mark
I was afraid I wouldn’t make it in before dark

When one of us waiting started a musical part
And it was like kindling for our fiery hearts
Pretty soon it was like a full on flow chart
Each one adding a little bit to the art

It was something angelic (that makes you go “Hark!”)
Every little note was like a heavenly post mark
If we were the water, the song was a great shark
A bevy of birds singing, it was certainly a lark

I waited in line for the amusement park
But it turns out there was a Muse in the park

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Rula

Fri, 2018-06-29 01:33

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Greg.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words ........Robert Frost☺

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gregwa8

Fri, 2018-06-29 01:36

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thanks Rula

author comment

Feebie

Fri, 2018-06-29 01:49

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Hi Greg,

A well written choreography of words that dance as you read them. Whimsical and fun.

Thank you for sharing.

Yours in Script

Feebie

Let life be your muse in all you do!!!

gregwa8

Fri, 2018-06-29 02:11

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thank you, feebie

author comment

lovedly

Fri, 2018-06-29 16:05

lovedly's picture

once I too waited in line for the
CALYPSO
MUSICAL amusement park
and the Queue was snaking sharp
all in the semi nude in bright day light
I smiled
what if it had become SUDDENLY quickly dark
A HEAVY CLOUD listened to me
Then many played on their harp

raj

Fri, 2018-06-29 16:39

a good twist you have created here which is amusing...it is about realism that you plan for something and end up with something else...on a lighter note it's like you go shopping in a mall and end up with a girl friend spending the money on a date....and life takes an unexpected turn....I don't know if it was the intent...

i note that you have used aaaa rhyme scheme through and through which is not easy...

your poem certainly made me think about how many such twists have happened in my life..and which may be ahead....
...........................................................................................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

scribbler

Fri, 2018-06-29 20:37

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A loose sonnet? If such I can't really give critique because I'm not proficient in writing the cursed thing. Mine always seem too obvious in my counting syllables. lol. But I liked this poem.....stan

scribbler

Fri, 2018-06-29 20:37

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A loose sonnet? If such I can't really give critique because I'm not proficient in writing the cursed thing. Mine always seem too obvious in my counting syllables. lol. But I liked this poem.....stan

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