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Muse

Submitted by BlueDemon77 on Thu, 2012-07-12 08:57

Muse

by RW

parched beyond ability to speak
the dust, the crust, I must get to the peak
shared desert home with scorpions
aeons, sidewinders nudging me for warmth
I bit them for the wetness of the blood
-
did roaring distant sounds deceive my ears?
had madness claimed the final game of years?
I stirred at sunset, gray, spectral
to seek the noise and speak the joys
of the wellspring from which I'd run

the cool water welcomed me, embraced me
unlaced me and shed aside the chaff
I laughed and I returned her moist embrace
her lover gone so long, she splashed and roiled
and softly lay wet hands upon my face
she smiled and hugged me happy that the quest
was over now: she never understood

a quest of 14 years, the seasons of the tears
the evil mark only I could see
the quest of 14 years, the passion and the fears
words never spoken an ifrit unbroken
The one so unworthy was me

she silently understood and wiped my brow
"it's all at peace though we've lost some time"
"I loved you from the very first to now"
"It's you that questioned, silly boy"
"if you were good enough for me"
"When no one else existed in the world"
"have you returned to me?" she asked with stitch in voice
"have you answered your questions?"
I drank from her and nodded yes

the water splashed a symphony
as geysers played as helixes above
-
She is my love
-
the wellspring
-
-

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Candlewitch

Thu, 2012-07-12 12:17

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This piece is a breathtakingly inspired odyssey. A true marvel, and I loved every driven line!

always, Cat (& eddy)

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

BlueDemon77

Fri, 2012-07-13 16:21

BlueDemon77's picture

I'm glad you got some joy out of it. I can't say I think it's my strongest piece but it has good moments. Thank you so much Judy, I hope you see me in the absolutley sick chat tonight.

: )

Ron BlueDemon77

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

BlueDemon77

Sun, 2012-07-15 16:29

BlueDemon77's picture

Thanks so much. It's an utterly symbolic journey but it is real at the same time as a metaphor. In those 14 years I searched, thought the answers were intellectual. 14 years later it was clear to me that the real answers are spiritual (though the intellect doesn't hurt). She was still there for me.
Bless her. : )

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

loved

Fri, 2012-07-13 07:16

loved's picture

we all yet need to be

loved

BlueDemon77

Fri, 2012-07-13 18:47

BlueDemon77's picture

Armour simply covers and intiimidates. In the regard of poetry, I'm naked, because my little pains do not stop my being able to reach others. I'll write about anything and there is one piece I've only shown once. I have shown it but only once. I stay be symbolically naked when you write. No pretense, no concern about what 'they will think about you'. When you have these issues so deep, you coming to grips with them is vital. Don't stay comfortable.

Ron

Blue Demon77

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

loved

Sat, 2012-07-14 08:53

loved's picture

I am Yul Bryner dedicate

'''man is born… lives and dies alone '''
he hath said….

I say
''man is born… lives and dies nude…
if one is a man
woman may be exceptions
except under the cover of darkness'' ,

if I hadn't been what I am
they here would have sold minced meat
here' its 'LOVED' s
they would have said
and
all like everything free
including poetry ...

loved

judyanne

Fri, 2012-07-13 10:36

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why ''ifrit?
i think i would have prefered 'jinn', or even 'muse', as 'ifrit' conjures images of wickedness and ruthlessness

can i also suggest using the word 'fourteen' rather than the numerals?

a great read - i really enjoyed it
wonderful use of end and internal rhyme
and an interesting theme

love judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

BlueDemon77

Fri, 2012-07-13 16:17

BlueDemon77's picture

I felt like this meeting was inevitabe. I'll be glad to answer your questions directly. Ifrit IS the darkside, here the personification of losing my way, my voice, what my current 'ego' made important to me. Ifrit is a beast of fire, the wellspring is pure cool water. She's much stronger than him. On the fourteen bit, yes, I think that is a good idea. I'll try it.

Thanks so much Judy!

Ron

Blue Demon77

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

judyanne

Sat, 2012-07-14 08:11

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lol ron - do you know something i don't?
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

BlueDemon77

Sat, 2012-07-14 15:53

BlueDemon77's picture

I would have initiated contact. You aren't writing to impress, or to be considered among the top. I like to think the same about myself. You write naked emotion, leaving the reader no defense. I feel I write the same way. You are clearly further along than I am, toying with my little horror, 50's B movie aesthetic, but there have been enough gems that surprised me to not make me question if something else places words and I am just a willing conduit. Very pleased to make your acquaintance.

Ron

Blue Demon77

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

judyanne

Sat, 2012-07-14 22:57

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what a lovely compliment you pay me, thank you

but lol - i truly don't know where a lot of my writes come from, but it is definitely not me....
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

scribbler

Sat, 2012-07-14 16:59

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I really like this......so of course I must offer suggestions for change lol.
S-2 line 2 change the to this
S-3 line 1 delete first and second me then add and before embraced
S-4 line 1 try a quest of fourteen years, too many seasons, all those tears
.............line 2 add which before only
S-5 line 2 change though to although
these are only ideas which you are free to use or not as you deem fit...............stan

BlueDemon77

Sat, 2012-07-14 17:24

BlueDemon77's picture

I appreciate the compliment and constructive criticism.

Ron

BlueDemon77

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

Ian.T

Sun, 2012-07-15 03:16

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This write was a lot of searching feelings and well portrayed..
.
I wrote a piece a while back called:- "A Musing Poetry" I have Edited the title so that it is easier to find, in which there are four lines about each of the nine Muses that are supposedly in the circuit for writing, notwithstanding Auto writing,
I was hoping that some would write a Poem about each in their own rights, but as usual it fell on barren soil..
With all the supposed members we have here there is a drought in the Comments section of Neopoet, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

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