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Mourning Dreams Lost

trapped mourning breath
a chamber full of spent dreams
open lips gently
let the tongue
writh inside
mix and stir this stale breath
into awakening
the day becomes alive

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
I'm just waking up....
Editing stage: 

Comments

I would ask you to expand on this. But, seeing as how you just woke up, maybe you aren't awake enough. I'm wondering; does your title have a double meaning? It seems as though it might. It is a bit short, but what can you say about a day that has just begun? ~ Geezer.
.

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Hi Geezer
It's my getting up time again!
Yes I guess it does have a double meaning.
Lost dreams from past. But positive that new ones are coming.
I've just been reading the neopoet guidelines and I think I should perhaps stop posting until I 'work' with the poems a little more. Currently I've been writing them fresh straight into the stream out of my stream of thoughts. I think like the poet lovedly does. Is it ok to do this? I don't want to disrespect neopoet guidelines!

author comment

and I like the word play (morning /mourning )

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

Thanks Rula!
I love your Robert Frost quote. He's spot on. Thats what's happening to me. In a way that's why I havent 'reworked' my words. I like them in the raw. The more I learn how to express the emotions (or disguise them) the more the words will disclose. I hope!

author comment

Love your name!! Rula.. I think I replied in my comments not as a reply. Thanks for getting the mourning morning reference!

author comment

After agreeing to help you with your work.
You don't need much help, I find it hard to critique.
Perhaps you are too like me for me to be your Mentor.

This is a perfectly nasty little poem.
I would love to hear you try both haiku and limerick.
You already achieve what I consider a prime requisite of poetry 'compression of meaning', do it even more, expand it and I honestly think you could be a significant poet of our times.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Yes i guess it can be nasty, Jess
Morning breath can give us a rude awakening sometimes especially if it's not your own!

author comment

Not to pull apart, because it's delicious in its dual meaning, and I know that breath you speak of...

My reading:

trapped mourning breath
(both the literal night after, regretful, and ripe breath of morning, cool)
a chamber full of spent dreams
(So.. the sleeper, has been here for a while, the breath clouds and fills the chamber with the night's sleep, the dreams spent, lost at waking?)
open lips gently
let the tongue
writhe inside
(Just added the e - this is a gradual process the morning after, the tongue seeking moisture,)
mix and stir this stale breath
into awakening
the day becomes alive
(almost a premonition of coffee, re-starting, recharging, the attempt to mix the fetid with the fresh, a very tactile image, we all know)

As Jess, pointedly said this has a perfect nastiness in the simple reflection of a body awakening. It doesn't try to dress it up, it just describes it perfectly.
This is a good form for you. I think you might be more at home, with the free verse poets. But that's just a suggestion.
Have a look at these:
http://www.thehypertexts.com/The%20Best%20Free%20Verse%20Poems%20of%20Al...

Someone once said, read as many poets as you can, and when you find a voice you like, stick with it, and listen, read and learn - I find that process very useful.

Take care,

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

Thank you for your comments Chris and your links. So many poets so little time! And at this stage I'm still just unconsciously writing things as I feel/think them. One day I may take more time to develop and delve more deeply into what I'm writing but for now (and I hope this is ok on neopoet) I'll post up my raw words.
Also, I'm an artist of sorts and I've always had an issue of using artists as inspiration, following technique is ok, but ideas Etccetc I prefer to create from scratch...

author comment

I think I just heard something I strongly disagree with from Chris-
"Someone once said, read as many poets as you can, [TOTALLY AGREE] and when you find a voice you like, stick with it, [ONLY UNTIL YOU LEARN] and listen, read and learn - I find that process very useful."
I'm sure i'm over-reacting and Chris didn't mean to stick with the style of a poet you like.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Well I have to say I don't think I agree with either of you! Like I mentioned above, I've found it an issue to use other artists ideas as inspiration as I like to boil up my own ideas. Of course though I'm aware that by being exposed to any thing creative you osmosisly (is that a word?) absorb and therefore inturn ideas into your own churning pot.. ...
Although in saying all of that. In my art practise I've just recently used Miro as a point of reference for a community project. And I thoroughly enjoyed the process. But I really only went there as I had a mental block on how to incorporate the clients needs with what I was prepared to deliver...

author comment

learn from their use of the craft, their style if you like.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

It's like, if I read too deeply, the tendency for imitation is always close, and you feel like you're losing your own voice. But..you can sit and watch a woodworker build a decent box, make some notes, perhaps grab a couple of books (boxes 101), then make a slightly better box than the shed full of dodgy hinged, rickety bread boxes you've had a stab at before (I speak from experience). This isn't any detriment to your craft, you actually learn a trick or two, that once learned, can be called upon for inspiration when you get stuck. It sounds as though, you really know what you need to do, and being an artist, we have to respect that, so good luck, you'll find your own way :).

I hope that kinda helps explain what I mean?

There is a funny, and very informative book written by Stephen Fry, called "the ode less travelled" - he doesn't write for publication, purely for pleasure, and knows his stuff, is a pleasure to read, and explains a lot of the concepts - it's worth hunting out.

Cheers.

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

and recommend it widely.

My solution to the problem of unconscious imitation is to read very widely in different genres simultaneously.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Stick with it, until you find the next one..it's not a prescription! I could have calibrated my comments a little better there. I met a bloke who, when discussing satirical cartoonists, like Steve Bell, First Dog on the Moon etc., said: "I only read one comic strip, that's it" - so I said " was that prescribed then..?" he looked at me like I'd stolen his last chip. Yes, read widely - then you find a voice you can hone in on, then that leads you on to the poets that influenced them. Like Larkin led to Yeats, like Williams led me to Whitman - that's more what i was driving at.

Cheers.

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

my bad.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Thanks fellas
I will read more and a cross section.
I'll compile a poetry tool bag of tricks that I'll pull on.
But it might be a while before I can dedicate time.
I'll try a little a day..actually reading neopoet is good for a good cross section.

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