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Mortality And Sanity

Our minds are powerfull
taking us to places
cold ,dark and damp

Where tendrils of evil
reach out
to claim
a life

At times,this life
not worth saving

Spiders thread
holds fast
binding all to
sanity and mortality

Dangling on
the precipice of
life's lies

Only to find
We are not immortal

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Don't ask
Editing stage: 

Comments

When I read a poem, I want to take home something that can apply to me; something to savor and learn from. I am not getting that when I read this bit of prose. Maybe take the “me” out of it and make it more like a “fact”. For example:

webs hold fast
bind sanity
and mortality

dangle on
belief’s precipice

I am not certain who you are talking to in the opening lines. That has me confused so I continue to read, looking for a character. Perhaps make those opening lines less conversational.

The end line is almost anti-climatic because we are all aware of our mortality. I think you have a lot to say, but need to find a way to make your words have impact; more metaphor and imagery to show us those emotions and help us to feel that realization when it hits us.

I think you are off to a good start with a lot of wonderful thoughts and ideas but it needs more power.

Thank you for the opportunity to absorb your words. ~Pamela

.. .

~"It's ALL about the Poetry~

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I have faith in you, Chrys, that you'll let yourself out of your constraints. It's not easy. But poetry is the easiest way....letting go of everything that stands in y/our way.

Where are you taking me
I slowly ask
(the second line is unneeded)
[Where are you taking me?]

It is cold, dark and damp
not liking it
in here
(in here is redundant)
[It is cold, dark and damp
I don't like it
here]

Tendrils of evil
reach out
trying to claim
a life
(good but I'd remove *trying*
change a life to *my* life)
[Tendrils of evil
reach out
to claim
my life]

At times
not worth saving
(not worth saving
at times, I'd also add: am I?)
[Not worth saving
at times,
am I?]

Spider thread
holds me fast
binding me to
sanity and mortality
(change to spider's thread and add *a*)
[A spider's thread
holds me fast
binds me to
sanity and mortality}

Dangling on
the precipice of
my beliefs
[I dangle on
the precipice of
my believing]

[Only to find
I are not immortal]

Always strength in the *I am* context of a poem, *we* is something that happens later.

Take what you want, Chrys. It's yours for the asking.

~A

Chilling and has great potential!

love, Cat

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