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Mercies of Satisfaction (MORE METER)
Blinding darkness
Only seeing with the naked touch
That sends images to a fevered mind,
Fingers navigate every contour of a physical soul
Pleasure heightens with each new discovery
Of a erogenous zone,
Salty sweet sweat begins to pour
From the heat that rises on the surface of the skin
Breaths of air escape in fevered pitches
As if a beast emerged from somewhere deep,
Eyes now see the beauty of the aura
As conscience is loss of the outside world
And senses flare into universal oneness,
Temperature rises!
To the intensity of supernova
As two souls are lost beyond their known Chakra,
The weight of the world presses against them
As gravity takes its hold
Not a single silent movement is seen,
In the stillness of the aftermath
When all that's heard is exhausted breathing
All that is known
Are the mercies of satisfaction
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
I used an old one of mine.
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Region & Country
New York City, N.Y. Spanish Harlem
Favorite Poets
P. Neruda, Jose de Diego, E. Dickenson, R. Frost, there are many more, but these had the greatest influence...
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Comments
Geremia
Tue, 2016-02-02 09:57
n/a
n/a
Eduardo Cruz
Mon, 2012-01-16 15:49
Joe
Thank you, but this is really for the workshop.
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentGeremia
Tue, 2016-02-02 09:58
n/a
n/a
Eduardo Cruz
Mon, 2012-01-16 16:27
Joe
no, but I am looking to see if I am getting the idea of a iamb panameter. which is a little over my head. the break down by foot, or to say syllable counts and stress on certain words.That's the jest of it.
thanks again,
Eddie
...
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentEduardo Cruz
Mon, 2012-01-16 16:32
Joe
re-submit error!! a test of the workshop reply.
...
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentEduardo Cruz
Mon, 2012-01-16 16:34
Joe
do you see the highlighted box. indicating workshop comment.
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentGeremia
Tue, 2016-02-02 10:00
n/a
n/a
scribbler
Mon, 2012-01-16 18:22
Hi Eddie
I enjoyed the poem but think you missed the iambic pentameter target in most lines. But I may well be wrong about this I think to stay to form you seek would require at least 10 syllables per line. Now I'll let all the tech people tell me how wrong i am lol..........stan
Eduardo Cruz
Mon, 2012-01-16 21:51
Stan,
it's ten words and five stressed syllables per line, and yes I missed it. to me I just tested to see if I can follow instructions. it looks like I can't even though I understand (stan) them. Hahaha! this is a do over!! LoL
crazy eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentscribbler
Mon, 2012-01-16 22:37
hi Eddie
The iambic part desn't require the syllable count only the pentameter does if I understand correctlywhich is Not to be taken for granted lol.......stan PS my trochaic attempt is probably also off......we All have room to learn
Eduardo Cruz
Mon, 2012-01-16 23:17
Stan, Stan, Stan,
You are so right, I am sure I have less hair on my head behind this
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentweirdelf
Sun, 2012-01-22 18:38
No, you count stressed syllables and feet,
never just syllables
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
MichelleK
Fri, 2012-01-20 03:35
More trochaic than iambic I think
Anything where you have to count how how feet you have per line is ridiculously hard (at least for me:p)!
I often wonder how the greats did it.
Maybe try rewrite this with trochees instead of iambs, I think it might work.
Because of my limited net usage at the moment I can't get the break up/parsing to you until Monday or Tuesday. If you'd like it sooner, please pm me your email tonight and I'll scan you the page I jotted it down on to you.
Good luck and good work:)!
michelle
Eduardo Cruz
Fri, 2012-01-20 10:18
michelle,
I appreciate it that you came by to read, But this one was an old one just to show the way i write with a certain beat in my head. I really did not do anything with it. I wrote two other that were for this workshop. In those I did try and keep to the perameters of the WS.
So when your internet is better I would like to see your take on them using the WS ruler on them.
Thank you so very much!
if you could look at the others I wrote for the WS, I would love to read your opinion.
Eddie
...
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentweirdelf
Sun, 2012-01-22 19:21
I wish people had read the bit that said UP TO 14 LINES
It's a lot of work to parse these buggers
Blinding/ darkness [trochaic bimeter]
Only/ seeing/ with the/ naked/ touch [trochaic pentameter strong end]
That sends/ images/ to a/ fevered/ mind, [?]
Fingers/ navigate/ every/ contour/ of a/ physical/ soul [imabic/anapest mix, strong start]
Pleasure/ heightens/ with each/ new dis/covery [trochaic pentameter]
Of a[n]/ erog/enous zone, [iambic/anapestic trimeter]
Salty/ sweet sweat/ begins/ to pour [4 trochees and one iamb]
From the/ heat that/ rises on the/ surface/ of the/ skin trochaic/dactylic strong end]
Breaths of/ air es/cape in/ fevered/ pitches [trochaic pentameter!]
As if/ a beast/ emerged/ from some/where deep, [iambic pentameter]
Eyes now/ see the/ beauty/ of the/ aura [trochaic pentameter]
As con/science is loss/ of the out/side world iambic/anapestic tetrameter]
And senses/ flare in/to univers/al one/ness, [iambic pentameter week end]
Some may disagree with this parsing. It is all over the place.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Eduardo Cruz
Sun, 2012-01-22 19:28
Jess,
Thank you, That was one I thought i'd sneak in. lmao!
I am writing a new one in only iambic pantameter. We will see if I am thinking in the right terms.
your help has been grand, again thanks!
Eddie
...
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentRainy Day
Mon, 2016-02-01 17:39
Really Enjoyed It
I really enjoyed this. I've recently began to play around with meter and rhythm in my poetry. I find it a lot of fun. I sometimes mix rhyming with free verse and I like to mix meters as well. Sometimes I do it without even realizing it. This is a great read. Thank you for sharing.
Eduardo Cruz
Tue, 2016-02-02 11:56
Thanks,
Thanks,
for stopping by enjoyed yours as well!
Eddie C.
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
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