The amount of snapshots I have in my head is too much
Flipping through each to choose something to paint
I will stay here for days every hour
passing leaks out of my brain like honey and flowers
Childhood warm milk, another picture to file
I talk to myself to the beat of the fan above my bed
If my hair was clean the fans breeze would make it sway
I would have liked for that to be in time with my words I say
Fear self importance self loathing broken bathroom windows and body pillows under beds
I lie in bed now and imagine being enveloped by the memory
Sinking deeper and deeper until I look as if im pretending to be human
just like those pillows I swear what I wouldn't give what I wouldn't pay to take me back
But I keep on flipping the frames
Sinking further down and the memories feel real
Drowning alone in dark waters where the moon is too bright
for it to be night I don't want you to see this, I pray for the sky to turn off the lights
the soles of my feet hit the sand at the bottom
the weight of the water keeping me down
It burns to look up and watch the waves break
But the rhythm is so hard leave so hard to breathe
Each breath a flip
I try to swim to the top against a tide i don't see
I am filling with water becoming the current itself
I open my eyes but they keep coming one after one after one
Waves and pillows sand and honey mugs and milk dark and darker I keep opening my eyes
I should have made warm milk and honey.
hugged myself and cried in my mother's bed