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MEMORABLE AUTUMN...( OCTOBER CONTEST
Autumn plans reversed out of reach
away from the heat of sandy beach
My desire travels to a cold and hard city
Snow in great Canada, oh what a pity!
Imagine cuddling is fun so cozy
blushing beneath covers feeling rosy
wishing a third would pop up soon
with a face like a silvery blue moon
perhaps we could park in Banana city
we'd be alone mindless of nitty gritty
recalling kids desired another sibling
a lovely one ,wow you are now dribbling
a girl should by next October be due
how memorable it will be, there's no clue
we once enjoyed such a one can't forget
our first Sunny, we were happy to beget
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
Contest:
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Comments
Eumolpus
Tue, 2019-10-08 22:23
my best suggeation
is try not to force the rhyme. the syntax of the speech needs to flow, and flowing from low to high language make it feel forced. too obvious with rhyme, try to hide them with enjambment- continuing the line in to the next without a pause... so you don't end the line with a completed phase, but a phrase that leads you on to the next line without a pause so the rhyme gets blended in the reading.
Most rap in forced. But it works because rhymes repeated within the lines and all over the place to create a kind of music. The lines here are a bit sing-songy, you can make the lines more interesting.
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
lovedly
Tue, 2019-10-08 23:42
perhaps I shall remove this from the contest
and compose one afresh
as you all know I am a free style poet
Not to contest is best
Hence out goes
Contest
Geezer
Wed, 2019-10-09 05:57
You did...
good on this one, just try making it a little smoother. Give it another try! Just suggestions, but try shortening up some lines, like this:
Autumn plans reversed out of reach
away from the heat of sandy beach
My desire travels to a cold and hard city
Snow in great Canada, oh what a pity!
~ Geezer.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
lovedly
Wed, 2019-10-09 14:17
Thanks Gee
I was waiting for thee
and dear Ian
stan may not like to budge in
Shall try to improve
as suggested
Sparrow
Sat, 2019-10-12 19:54
Loved
I agree with Gee, it is late I skip read your piece, just a few small edits, and this will be a good second to my first lol.
Yours as always Ian ..
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
Rottiestyl
Tue, 2019-10-15 01:45
I agree
With the others. It's a nice piece but the rhyme does seem to be pushed a bit. relax. loosen up and have fun when you write! I enjoyed it.
Rottie
Pegasus was a genius,
living within a suit of difference.
He liked what he was,
nodded in respect and
simply flew . . . away.
By: K. Mulroney
" I am who I am, say what I say, do what I do. With no apology."
lovedly
Tue, 2019-10-15 12:13
thanks there is still time
shall retry again
lovedly
Sat, 2019-11-16 22:19
I failed
to retry
Mark was anyway miles ahead
so I passed it by