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Make it Brief ( final re-write of relativity workshop)

He portrays,
demonstrates,
and illustrates,
in mother nature
what you need
to naturally
imitate,

then you live
in love
and peace.

God

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

I've changed the pronoun from "I" to "you" , do you feel more invited then?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

I have in mind a lot of images such as the water running in the wild for all, the first crow who taught Cain to bury his brother, the birds who teach their youngesters to fly and to hunt or find their food...etc.But I believe they aren't needed here as the message could stand without these details.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

Talking to the other person is fine though at the end it would sound better to be "With God" as aposed to just God.
An extract from your thoughts, yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

speaking, we can never immerse every reader in every piece written whatever changes done, can we?

Adding "with" next to "God" changes my meaning intended.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

A definate improvement on the original. Had you thought of using "we" instead of "you"? By including yourself it might not sound so much like a sermon. But it Is your poem lol. ....................stan

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