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A LOVE SONNET (naked truth and emotion shop)

It has been more than just a while
since last a sonnet left my pen
and though to me they are a trial
I'll grit my teeth and try again

Eight syllables in every line
makes for bit stilted poem----
Dang! That is seven, it's not eight
can make for a bit stilted poem

I meant to make this about love
how it can bloom in any heart
a true gift sent from heaven above
wait.... but that's nine syllables

This is why I hate a sonnet
and write so very few of them
Shit! I even got the line count wrong now

*based on actual thought train when trying to write one of these cursed things

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
I think it was Rula's idea to write a poem about hating poetry. Blame HER lol
Editing stage: 

Comments

Very Clever! though maybe not intentional. Lol It is very hard to make a poem work when you have to count syllables. In away this poem teaches people about syllables - some people never get the hang of it. Sometimes when being strict about using syllables the poem loses something. I have never written a sonnet - I guess it would take a lot of time and effort - unless you're a natural born genius in that regard. I guess there is a specific rhyming structure ( I don't know - I'll have to google it ).

Anyway your poem is fun to read and educational and it made me smile - So thumbs up from me. I'll leave those educated in sonnet writing to give you critique.

Love Mand xxxxxx

It won't take much in education in sonnets to tell all that's wrong with this as far as form goes lol..........stan

author comment

I'm so bad then. I thought my idea was to rage against poetry as not being always an adequate tool to let our sound heard through the messages we write and send. See, it is your fault not getting the "write" (right) idea.LOL.

Now, I am not commenting on the form as I well know all the off meter and line count are intentional but I'd call it "Stan's modern sonnet."
I like it with all the Stan's sense of humor that you put there, and I agree it's most often than not that writing a sonnet is a pain with its strict form and verse count, but a lovely challange to be done every now and then.

Thanks for sharing. I think you've satisfied the requirement of naked emotion of this workshop. Well don!

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

Of course it was your idea....don't try avoiding blame lol. But whereas your idea was to rage against poetry in general, I decided to rage against one form in particular. Each time I seriously try a sonnet it is obvious(at least to me) that the lines are forced to adhere to syllable count. So the displayed frustration is real even if the delivery is semi-tounge in cheek. Appreciate you dropping by............stan

author comment

wrong, eight feet in every line. This is not Japanese poetry , it is western meter.
Get it right. Do some research
I am going to run a meter workshop just for you soon. And for others..

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

I stand corrected but then there's the argument of whether it should be 8 or 10 and there's all those different kinds of sonnets and....................aargh!! No wonder they drive me crazier. As to running a meter shop just for me, you should be warned that America still hasn't gone metric lmao.................but seriously another meter shop would probably do me a lot of good...............stan PS remember that Rula's idea was to show anger at poetry's inability to convey what the writer wanted to convey

author comment

Can you believe it:-
"We give you an inch and you take a mile",
Now in metrication if there is such a saying that will come out and short change us:-
"We give you a centimeter and you take a kilometer"
It just doesn't sound the same and as I said it is a short version.
I am going to check the conversion tables and see if we can find a standard to work on, feet and meters just don't mix LOL.
I am going before I Elf myself, Have a lovely evening, Yours Ian.T
PS:- Rula is asleep so we can blame her, LOL

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

not 8 feet,
usually 4 or 5 feet, depending on the meter used.

Oh and Ian,if you ever again make puns or jokes regarding feet, meter and the metric or imperial system I will stow away on a plane, come to your house, rip off your head and piss in the hole. Understood? You only confuse the issue.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Just you weight I is gone to metric not and ounce I will give.
My Gram said High there young Elf, and made a remark about the length of a Pole that she would shaft you with, if you hurt her lovely Grand Son LOL
I promise The great Elf I shall stay on the shelf and not mention any conversions again. Damn have just seen a five legged spider limping across the room.
I am going before anyone asks any silly questions about it,
Yours Sparrow

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

It was the weekend here, so family time and so . I am available now 24 hours. :)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

Stan, I like what you've done. It playfully nudges up against the form and the subject matter suggested. I still have to say it doesn't fit the tetrameter, nor the 4, 4, 4, 2 sonnet scheme. This is like the Sex Pistols doing Bohemian Rhapsody. It's not the real thing, but is a lot of fun anyway.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

The first time I ever tried writing a sonnet it seemed almost perfect to me. Nothing seemed forced, the number of feet per line were exact and it almost read as conversational speach. Then I posted it and was informed that each line needed one more foot in order to be considered a true sonnet..........and the edit was a near disaster. I think I've seriously tried 2-3 since and they just don't flow right to me. Too mant lines seem contrived. How anybody can ever write a natural sounding sonnet is a mystery to me although I AM aware it can be done because I've read them by Frost, Whitman and some here. The cussed things!!!.........I'm gonna do one right some day if it kills me lol................stan PS the 4-4-4-2 mistake was intentional and meant to convey a growing frustration

author comment

a foot can consist of two or three syllables. daDUM, dadaDUM, DUMda, DUMdada, even daDUMda, etc. It is the stress that counts, and I know this is difficult for you goddamsouthernrebels, because, believe it or not, the Southern States American accent is heavily French influenced, and the French don't use stress in their poetry, only long and short syllables.

All meter based verse is based on feet, not syllables.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

one foot cosists of a stressed syllable and the following unstressed syllable(s) or vice versa ?
Well it seems I was informed of this in last meter shop but time faded it from my mind. I'm pretty much aware of the origins of my accent. Are you aware that the Aussie accent sounds as strange to me as my southern accent sounds to me? Or the northern Yankee accent. Or the upper midwest one? All these different accents is what makes parsing such a pain in the ass lol. I once took 2 semesters of art and architectual history and in both instances it was a lecture course taugh by a Pair of professors. They'd argue with one another constantly during lectures. Although entertaining it made taking tests rough because whether the answer you gave was right or wrong depended upon which professor graded your paper. Kinda like pronunciation and parsing lol.........stan

author comment

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

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