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love shines

Submitted by joesgirl21612 on Tue, 2012-06-12 23:19

When you look at me like that what do you see? I don't get how perfect you could love plain old me.

But you've been there for me rose and thorn. only you can fix me when my worlds been torn.

you love me now and you'll love me then. if this is what love feels like i don't want it to end.

you complete me and make me whole. you're like a a favorite song that never gets old.

your love is a whole new experience for me. every time i see you i can eel my heart beat.

and somewhere deep in side me I've always know that all that shines doesn't have to be gold.

your love shines bright just like the sun. and from now until forever you're my number one!

 

Review Request (Intensity): 
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Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
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Editing stage: 
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Comments

China Blue

Fri, 2012-06-15 23:50

China Blue's picture
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it would help the reader immensely if you were to break this into stanzas otherwise it is like reading one long run on sentence even with the punctuations

why do you ask for the raw truth if you are not actively editing

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

loved

Sat, 2012-06-16 01:14

loved's picture

has advised ..
but then it is your maiden poem here.

Also the end is not quite right,
if I may say so.....
when you beseech for a lover
who shall be for ever,
yet in the bubbling youth
of life,
you wish to have another
but
he will be number one,
that's some fun
from gals of modernisation
and
that too from an American,
Ohio poetess..
wouldn't it be normal
for that one also...

loved

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