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LIAR

On this fall night the moon retreats
behind the growing overcast
as in the dark history repeats
deceit rampant as in the past

Within this city built on hope
the founders' groans float on the wind
as their dreams ride a slippery slope
have all their plans come to an end?

The people here now live in fear
of federal power run amok
a system which they once held dear
now bears no hope for better luck

Within the gloom lurk scheming men
who pay law nor conscience little heed
lies and misdeeds their lesser sin
they mock the ones with greatest need

Will next come the hobnail boots,
breaking doors and screams at night
as evil ever deepens its foul roots
ignoring all the people's plights?

Behind minions shields he smirks for now
our way of life is fading fast
and he reigns like sainted sacred cow
some emperor from a dark past

So on this night of Halloween
inexorable as a ticking clock
he gloats in our white house unseen
the liar who goes by Barak

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
This community organizer in the whitehouse will go down as the most devisive and worst president in history
Editing stage: 

Comments

lots of good verse in this one telling a story I am certain will be past on for centuries.

I do have a few issues, though. The title lacks punch for me. The great deceiver or something more grandiose seems more appropriate. I also didn't like the word deceit belong used so close to the title., hung me up for a moment.

language was good except s2 l4 needs some work and I didn't feel like amok fit the poem very well.

The meter changed often which impeded the flow and the stressed/unstressed rhymes had the same effect (overcast/past clock/barak).

I like the plot and think this poem had solid potential. Thanks for posting.

Scott

Scott

Thought about titling it "That Lying Obama " lol. But I'll give title change a bit of thought. I knew this was pretty rough when I posted it but thought folks like you would assist me in spotting where changes are needed. And I Do appreciate your input. I'll let this gather some comments before doing any editing (assuming more comments are forthcoming). Thanks for taking time to read this rant...............stan

author comment

I really liked the theme but I agree this one needs some work there are a few stanza's in which the cadence is stuttered and you loose grasp of the rhyme, I don't have to tell you to read it out loud you already know that you with find the stutters with a couple of reads. I loved the dark content and the language use is really good you have come a long way my friend

love and hugs JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

I've been working on some tweeks for this and hope to post an edit pretty soon. I .as always, appreciate your input and time to drop by.............stan PS I hear through the grapevine you've been under the weather. Glad to hear you're getting better.

author comment

just wondering, do you read your poems out loud? It seems you must surely then hear the scansion flaws you have so much trouble with.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

I usually Do read my stuff out loud before posting. My problem is that that danged poetic voice slips in and changes the rhythm to what I want it to be rather than what it actually is. I will admit there are times when I'm fully aware that the rhythm has bumps but I leave the bumps in exchange for clarity of meaning. Often after a bit of time I find a way to say what I want and still cure the scansion errors. I reckon that's what editing is for.
Now this particular poem (which I've already edited once) was posted in very raw form. I wanted to capture the emotion before it slipped away. I expect this will eventually evolve into a better poem technically over time. Appreciate your dropping by.............stan

author comment

in conjunction with Beau's incredibly important workshop, Audio on Neopoet, how about we offer the idea of asking other people to record our poems read out loud, so we can hear it in another voice?

I get a bit of a woodie at the mere idea! Do you think this is worth pursuing?

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

not just yeah but HELL yeah. I Have GOT to get my audio up and running..................stan

author comment

As you appreciate droppings
let me add on Stan...

I came a third time
to read not your poetry,
but comments, newer words
Scanshun was a new one
but remember
all rhythms and rhymes
become bumps

never forget there is no surf
as smooth as is your poetry....
now give me a chance
to slide over all bumps
and feel the practical difference,
believe me the seas volume
shall not over power me...
as I hear only what I want to
and so I will hear all of what
comes from
yes, from you.

loved

Indeed it is the commentary on our poetry which makes us better poets. I also follow a thread of comments on some poems when my time allows. I doubt that I'll ever write a poem with perfect flow simply because there are so many times when what I want to convey in a particular line can't be said (or at least I can't find a way to say) with a line which fits in perfectly with the scansion of the rest of the poem.

I thank you for visiting my scribbles as much as you do.................stan

author comment

Thanks friend
to let me comment on a wonder like you
who am I but a speck of dust
who can have any guts to say
what I do
without nerve or verve
or neither fear nor favor
and

best about you is you reply me always
as I wish to hear from you

loved

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