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Let go (Rhyme Patterns #1) Last edition

Submitted by Rula on Thu, 2012-08-23 09:22

A true fact of life is:
It's not always black or white,
but a mix of this and that-right,
which is, I trust, a bliss.

So when the woes grow, swell
find a way to your young heart.
Let no pain incise that part,
let no troubles there dwell.

Clean the stains of hatred,
in love's sponge let all that go.
Wipe out the tears of sorrow,
time needs not be wasted.

Now, hurry up! come on dear
put your helpful hand in mine.
Ways with gold shall ever shine
when good intentions clear.

When happiness lingers,
don't think of the poor, ill past.
Don't moan or cross the fingers
in morrow place your trust.

Come on, let go,
when pristine twilights show.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
RHYME PATTERNS (part 1) let's begin

Comments

scribbler

Thu, 2012-08-23 11:23

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Starting with abba pattern then using near rhymes then actually changing pattern went a good ways toward eliminating the SS in this...............................stan

Rula

Thu, 2012-08-23 13:26

Rula's picture
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I'm happy to know it somehow met the requirements and wonder if there would be a further discussion just as a conclusion to make it clear what elements strengthen and lessen the ss sound other than what has already been mentioned.

Should say that I have really enjoyed your workshop and I'm looking forward for more advanced ones.
Thanks for your efforts

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

scribbler

Thu, 2012-08-23 23:21

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I'm pleased you enjoyed the torture lol. I think it might be best to delay discussion of other methods of pattern use until the start of the shop which will deal with them. But to give a tiny preview it will include but not be limited to using 5-6 line stanzas and carrying rhyme from one stanza to the next..........................stan

judyanne

Fri, 2012-08-24 01:34

judyanne's picture
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and i may be wrong rula
but it seems to me that this is almost an entirely different poem

just take the first two verses

first version -
Slam your heavy pains, woes
for nothing merits pain
A pristine twilight shows
a promisin' day to gain.

Clean the smell of hatred
with love we better grow
time should never be wasted
profit in the morrow.

second version –
A true fact of life is:
It's not always black or white,
but a mix of this and that-right,
which is, I trust, a bliss.

So when the woes grow, swell
find a way to your young heart.
Let no pain incise that part,
let no troubles there dwell.

so I find it difficult to compare the two for development of less ss
this poem is less ss, of course, but I’m not really able to say that you have made the first poem less, if you know what I mean?

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Rula

Fri, 2012-08-24 02:22

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Concerning the first two stanzas but it's almost the same towards the end. I just tried to remove the halmarky sense by adding those stanzas plus Stan said we can add to our old ones,didn't he?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

author comment

scribbler

Fri, 2012-08-24 15:24

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Yes I did. And it's often difficult to make radical changes to rhyme patterns without also affecting the poem itself. Especially since thist shop contains as few options as it does. But don't fear making further changes as you see fit in this poem, I know I'm still tinkering with mine lol............stan

weirdelf

Thu, 2012-08-30 05:42

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but go back to some of the meter workshops
http://www.neopoet.com/workshop/find/archive
that is what your poetry really needs.

We will run a new meter workshop soon.

It's bizarre! I'm a freeform poet, but I run most of the structured workshops. It's both because I can and also believe that you need to learn structure to avoid it! teehee!

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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