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Lauds (Rhyme Patterns Workshop)

Received but not compelled,
I presented myself with the others.
No missals tendered, nor withheld
Some riffled through them to incant
into the dark. Coughing, shuffling brothers
sat themselves below. We watched aslant.

From silence, words started - incoherence
In the balcony, we did not chant.
The weighted hymns stayed low and belled.
Obscure arising, slipstreams of spirants

Lamps were lit but the dark was not dispelled;
they gave no warmth nor illumined the nave.
Denying its cliches, the light simply held.
Our landscape grew no palm tree fronds
to palliate worn eolian caves.

We broke apart In the dim stairwell's calm,
returning to our separate rooms to leave.
Unwitnessed, fallen to the floor, the psalm
"Who shall stand in His holy place?"
I bend, touch the words-but still cannot conceive.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
This is an edited version of something written for an earlier workshop. I am looking for feedback specifically on Peajay's comment- whether you agree or disagree (you would have to look at the previous version) and whether this opening is any better or how it could be better. Also looking for some feedback about use of punctuation, esp. my beloved dash.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content


you got the part about inserting the non rhyming line and even put it in the 4th instead of middle line. I enjoyed the read but you forgot to make the non rhyming line in each stanza be carried over to become the rhyme for the following stanza. This carry over is used to tie the poem together wit a rhyme with out it being obvious since the carry over is just to the next stanza. Am I being as clear as mud?

I did not notice that. I will fix when I have time. Thanks for clarifying that.

author comment

is at concealing the rhyme. This pattern I'm looking for Is complicated but There are others far more so. Do you think I should post another example of this pattern to clarify?

Pollen colors all it falls upon. (a)
winter's end is just four days away. (b)
with faint early budding's subtle tints. (c)
greeting the rays of early dawn (a)
and increase with every day. (b)

Before long the air will bear faint hints. (c)
of blossoms bursting all around. (d)
when winter is finally left behind. (e)
and we're surprised at where it went. (c)
leaving naught but duff upon the ground. (d)

So I'll treasure and keep in mind (e)
these last days' scarce light frost (f)
which never survive the sunrise. (g)
leaving heavy dew behind. (e)
before another season's lost. (f)

I think I didn't notice because tints and went are near rhyme.

author comment

Hello Arrow,
A tricky scheme handled well, with thoughtful and considered writing.

I'm not fond of the opening, which should draw the reader in, but straight away they're hit with a double negative - and for me, there are too many descriptions in this poem of what there is not.

Fascinating subject - and you did a good job of setting the scene and the mood, and the biblical references were nicely understated.

happy scratchin'.............PJ

"for me, there are too many descriptions in this poem of what there is not." I'll have to think about how to communicate what is absent with less focus on absence. If an example comes to mind, please share. Thanks for the feedback.

author comment
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