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INCRedible don't not believe

You know Ian

they discovered a teen twosome
one a gal the other a guy
and gal wearing guy’s garb
and the guy was inside gals attire...
they sent them into a fire
and lo and behold
they came out hand in hand
having exchanged their natural stand ...
the guy became a gal
then she said why I should lag behind
she had a handle in her hand
and then the padre said
I damn care who is who
as long as one is with a handle
the other without one

so the turned over twins
still friendly
changed their positions
gal became a guy and vice versa
still in the same bed
go and see
so tell the lady doctor
to exchange with lada doctor
whom you alone can bully
not me..

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 


Vice versa, swopping about...trying to get it. I read your work, but don't always want to comment as I've no idea where it's going, but I respect your right to express yourself! An enigma wrapped in a conundrum. What's a 'lada' doctor?


I shall take care
yet don't declare
that I will always
follow you
and that's true...


author comment

I think you wrote this with compassion abut gender orientation, and I really dig the dark elements. You have succeeded in making a statement about the ignorance prevalent in the issue. Yet I agree with Ellie that the writing doesn't carry the full message.
Here is a very unusual suggestion from me. Try writing it in prose. I have noticed in recent comments of yours that you can be quite lucid, without trying to 'make poetry".

What do you think?

Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

then try to make it rosier
by saying its poetry ..
else ,
I shall be denied the benefit of f your sweet suggestions
may be obliged to leave this site ,
I shall,
if that be the intention

please get more guys
to contribute or vote
so that I don't only cast out
on one a single quote
yours Jess
till you get unanimity


author comment
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