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If War was Tommorow
The skies' would turn black and darken the sky
Mad rushes of people will scream and cry
Time would stop, Im not going to lie,
We'd see the depression return.
How would we get by?
No sunlight, no one in sight
No one knowing how to make things right
Starring out the window into the frightening night
Gazing at the planes' as they start to take flight.
Hundreds of heavy boots stomping down the road
ordering civillians to hide and stay low
Terrified children gathering around slow
crying out of fear with no where to go.
Destruction unfolding at every turn
The human race has refused to learn
now the world is left to burn
If War was Tommorow
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
Thankyou for taking the time to read my poem. Im very very new at this so im learning but really enjoy it.
Editing stage:
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Comments
Sparrow 42
Mon, 2020-01-27 04:15
Pixie
Welcome to Neopoet site we hope your stay here will benefit all of us.
Each poem it is hoped will be read and commented on (Critiqued)
It is appreciated if you return the critique and also comment on others works.
This write I have quickly read through and the first line needs attention..
The skies' would turn black and darken the sky.
This seems to start the poem badly, a suggestion for this line would be:-
War is here, it has blackened the sky, or your words along those lines,
keeping the last word for the next line to rhyme, but Skies and sky in the same line is a no
They are one and the same thing...
Good to have you aboard , Yours Ian T (Sparrow)
Words can build a nation
Geezer
Mon, 2020-01-27 10:19
I agree...
We hope that as you learn from us, we shall also benefit from our association with you. I have read your poem and I will take it point by point.
Your title is good, it drew me in and that is what a title is supposed to do.
The language is good and not to stiff, it makes one feel like you are really trying to communicate with the reader.
The rhythm leaves something to be desired; read it out loud and I'm sure that you will see what I'm talking about.
The theme is one of those that will always be used [ unfortunately ]
The beginning was as Sparrow says, and the end was good, as it puts an exclamation point at the end.
The logic followed through.
Look around the site, see what kind of work speaks to you, try it out.
We are all about letting the writer find out what kind of path they wish to follow and guide them with good critique.
Enjoy yourself, feel free to ask questions and spread your wings. ~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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scribbler
Mon, 2020-01-27 17:54
Greetings
Welcome to neopoet. I usually would suggest breaking this up into stanzas but I think the subject works best with this unbroken narrative. Check for typo in line 8