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If my tears wrote a letter
Open is my masters vessel,
pain has stole the door.
So many seems has welcomed self,
to steal all worth plus more.
Dizzy in his heart and mind,
his eyes are blind by tears.
Untrusting everything he sees,
by lies he lives in fear.
Love is all he really wants,
he gets just taunts and dancing.
Shrivled up and crippelng,
prudishness romancing.
He does not sleep,
he does not rest,
he does not nothing more.
And everyday it just gets worse,
nothing for the better.
And no one true would even read,
if his tears wrote a letter.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
Esker
Fri, 2016-06-24 21:14
very cool
ending is kind of choppy...
if his tears wrote an only letter
or
tears that wrote a lonely letter
projection that people have time
to have feelings
many dont..caught up with the ego
and all
too busy with the self gratifying
and all
otherwise great rhyme
thank U! and welcome to Neo!!
Sparrow
Sat, 2016-06-25 03:49
Saint
Firstly a great welcome to Neopoet and I hope your stay ith us will be great.
This is a good run of words and as Esker says it lost its flow at the end but that is soon sorted
I look forward to your next piece,
Yours ian.T
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
jane210660
Sat, 2016-06-25 05:30
Hi. I think this is a good
Hi. I think this is a good poem - one or two technical details, third line would have be better than has?
This line Shrivled up and crippelng - shrivelled up and crippling?
Also this line - he does not nothing more 2 things here; double negative doesn't sit easily and you use nothing again a bit further down, possibly consider re phrasing the 11th line.
These are only my suggestions, please feel free to disregard :-)
I love the sentiment and expression. Jx
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raj
Sat, 2016-06-25 06:56
Free flowing verses from the
Free flowing verses from the heart in this free form poem by you Saint...pretty out of box pattern..the title fits the poem like a glove..
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)