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IF

Submitted by Sheddie on Sat, 2023-03-25 02:14

IF

If today comes as yesterday,
Gracing time in second chance,
Sparing moments to right the wrongs,
And wrong the rights.
Thinking shudders, brightens,
Ever afresh, correction, towards perfection.

If today comes as yesterday,
The present playing the past,
No future for now, just time repeté
If it can take place from tomorrow,
If only, just if....
How? What will they do?

Life is a far long, failing road,
That steps further into everlasting.
Almost shattering, troubled, cracked,
Like the dry skin of the Agama,
That dances its nodding head proudly.
The many steps taken now,
Shows the every morrow actions, even results.

Live a life, lowly, worth living well,
If today comes as yesterday,
Only if,....then mistakes will rest in peace.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Contest: 
Neopoem Of The Week March 26th to April 1 2023
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

neopoet

Sat, 2023-03-25 02:14

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This poem is a reflective exploration of the idea that mistakes can be corrected if given a second chance. The imagery and diction used throughout the poem is vivid and effective, creating a strong emotional response in the reader. However, the poem does lack a certain level of structure and could benefit from some stronger transitions between the stanzas. One suggested line edit would be to revise the line "Thinking shudders, brightens,/ Ever afresh, correction, towards perfection" to "Thinking shudders and brightens,/ Seeking correction and striving for perfection". This edit would help to offer a smoother transition between the first and second stanzas. Overall, this is a thought-provoking and well-written poem.

Sheddie

Fri, 2023-03-31 12:21

Sheddie's picture

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