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i do not have a pleasant voice (Rhyme Pattern 1 : SS) Ephraimcrud's poem rework by Rula

I don't have a pleasant voice
so when I attempt to croon
the result is far,far from a tune
but rather a croaking type noise. (first stanza done by Stan)

My notes aren't always balanced
they're either sharp or flat,
but I don't give a jot for that
as I'm by mood influenced.

Some while ago I wrote a song,
I called it 'Song for Jenny'
but my doubts grow as oft plenty
that to her my voice won't ding dong.

I sent the tape to charm her ears
to see what joy it would bring her,
'nice song -but oh, the singer!'
she replied to confirm my fears.

So on this rather doleful note
I'll leave my listeners cheerful,
for they'll no more get an earful
of the many songs I wrote!

-------
THE ORIGINAL

i do not have a pleasant voice,
i cannot sing in tune.
the trouble is, i have no choice,
i do so love to croon.

my notes may turn out sharp or flat,
or somewhere in between;
i do not give a jot for that -
my temperament is mean.

some while ago i wrote a song,
i called it 'Song for Jenny'
my voice was weak, my hopes were strong,
but my misgivings many.

i sent the tape to charm her ears
and see what joy 'twould bring 'er,
but her reply confirmed my fears:
'nice song -but oh, the singer!'

so on this rather doleful note
i'll leave my listeners cheerful,
for of the many songs i wrote
they'll no more get an earful!

AMEN

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Sorry , I tried as much as possible to give the piece its justice and do the least changes. I think it is a really a very interesting and funny piece but at the same time it was very difficult to change the rhyme and keep its sense of humor.
Editing stage: 

Comments

apprciate your words of encouragement indeed :)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

I think the pattern you chose is a good one for this poem. It'a a bit rough at spots but it hasn't gotten through this shop yet either lol..........................stan

It is really challenging to rework someone's piece.Thanks for the challenge Stan.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

than eph's - well done i reckon

one little thing
'that to her my voice won't ding dong'
- sounds to me forced as if stuck for a rhyme (maybe you weren't, and ding dong means something to you that i don't know)

but can i suggest
'to her my voice is not so strong'
'i fear, to her. my voice is wrong'

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

a strong sound , the ringing sound of the bell.Does it work or do you think it's better to change?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment
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