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I

Submitted by sleepy-ria on Mon, 2019-06-24 01:46

There's a shadow that is cast upon the wall,
From the TV that drones mindlessly, ignored;
Forlorn and forgotten, a face hangs.
Perhaps, one day, I shall see whose shadow is cast,
But every time I turn my head the shadow passes.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

tyro

Mon, 2019-06-24 08:41

I like this very much. "TV that drones mindlessly, ignored;: this gives vividly the mood. Five lines but the middle line is where the poem hangs, in the identification of that face.
The ;last two lines speaks of the spiritual, what an eye cannot see.

Needless to say, I loved it. very tight, very suggestive..

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

weirdelf

Sat, 2019-07-06 18:03

weirdelf's picture
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One of my favourite definitions of poetry is 'The art of compression of meaning' and this achieves that superbly.

Despite being written in the first person the theme is universal. It evocatively captures personal and technological alienation, the idea of the age. The intangibility of the haunting.

Remember when people offer critique or suggestions here at Neopoet you are under no obligation to accept or act on them, although it is polite to acknowledge them.

My only critique is the title. The poem is so much more than just 'I'.

Perhaps "Our Lost Shadow"? I don't know, I hope you can come up with something more.

cheers,
Jess
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