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Hush a Lullaby

Submitted by Suz B on Wed, 2012-12-26 06:00

Hush a lullabysoothe and sway
Held here now in soft afterglow of day
A smoky spirit coils dreamily about
Hushh a lullaby
Your whispering angel leads you gently out.

I sigh a melancholy smile as I watch you melt away
Too young for the darkness
Too precious to end the day
I falter as you leave, want to keep you for my life
But the subtle wisdom of angels knows more than earthly sight.

So, hands lightly clasped release their futile hold
Breath and heart relinquish and recoil into the fold
Your sleep now steeped in eternal silent dream
Hush a lullaby In serenity’s  peaceful scheme

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
Last few words: 
The loss of a child. A sensitive subject. I want to work the rhythm into more consistency without looking the feeling.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Sun, 2013-02-10 21:52

weirdelf's picture
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We're very sorry about that, sometimes works get lost in the Stream. Fortunately we have Tools>Undiscovered work to address the situation.

This poem has a lot of potential. The sound of the language is lovely, word choice effective, the overall feeling successfully evocative. It's chief problem lies in the fact that using rhyme sets up an expectation of meter, or at least reasonably congruent line lengths. This rather savage edit I'm posting here is not how I think the poem should be, it is just to show how it could flow better, to avoid losing content and meaning you would need to do your own edit, possibly involving breaking some lines.

Hush a lullaby, soothe and sway [comma added]
Held here after glow of day
A smoky spirit coils dreamily about
Your whispering angel leads you out.

I sigh a sad smile, you melt away
Too young for the darkness
Too precious to end the day
Don't leave, I want to keep you for my life
But the wisdom of angels knows more sight.

So, hands light clasped release their hold
Breath and heart recoil to the fold
Your sleep now steeped in eternal dream
Hush a lullaby In serenity’s  scheme

I hope that gives you an idea of how it could scan.

A belated welcome to Neopoet, I do share the agony of block, Neopoet has helped me a lot with that. Reading and critiquing other poets really helps getting the juices flowing. I look forward to more of your work.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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