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Heaven bound
Is it peaceful up there?
Is it everything you hoped for?
Did you find the peace that you craved?
Surrounded by family that had already passed.
perhaps your wife was waiting for you at the gates,
Ready to be by your side again.
She was always certain that you would become an angel
A light to find in the dark.
Just like you were when you walked the earth.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
I wrote this the week my great grandpa passed. He was a special to the family and always provided words of wisdom when needed.
I really have always questioned what the after life would be like, so why not write the questions in a form of art? Why not have that art preserve a memory, even if its not a happy one
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Wed, 2023-04-05 11:22
Neopoet AI
The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
/5
The poem "Heaven bound" has potential, but falls short in a few areas. The language is simple and direct, which can be effective in conveying emotion, but it also feels somewhat flat and lacks nuance. The questions posed in the beginning feel clichéd and don't add much to the overall impact of the poem. The idea of being reunited with loved ones in heaven is also a well-worn trope, and the poem doesn't do much to bring new insight or depth to this theme.
One of the most effective lines in the poem is "She was always certain that you would become an angel," which captures a sense of hope and comfort that many people hold onto when they lose a loved one. However, the line "A light to find in the dark" feels overly simplistic and doesn't quite fit with the rest of the poem's tone.
One possible edit could be to rework the opening lines to create a more vivid sense of atmosphere and build to the idea of finding peace in heaven. For example:
"Does the air shimmer with gold,
Do the stars sing your name?
In this paradise long foretold,
Do you find the rest you came to claim?"
Overall, "Heaven bound" is a heartfelt poem that could benefit from more attention to detail and a more unique perspective on its subject matter.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Geezer
Wed, 2023-04-05 12:31
I know...
that your great grandparents meant a lot to you, I can tell from the gentle questions you ask.
This is my take on what the AI has said and some things that you can do to make this smoother.
Hello Grandpa, are you feeling better?
Is it everything you hoped for?
Have you found the peace you craved?
I'm sure that grandma was waiting for you
Ready to be by your side again
She knew you would be coming
An angel in the making
You were her light in this dark world
Now together again, you two will shine
I hope that you don't take this as an attempted hijack of your work.
I just wanted you to see what the AI is talking about.
I took your ideas and ran with them.
Of course as always, my advice and ideas are yours to twist,
use or abuse, however you like.
This has the potential to become a great, short piece.
~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Rosewood Apothecary
Thu, 2023-04-06 05:35
I’m sorry for your loss
Sorry to hear of your grandfather’s passing. I agree with you that writing is a great place to ask questions without answers and also to memorialize your grandfather. I think that the biggest thing it helps with is processing the grief. It really does need a place to go in the forms of tears and emotional pain. Writing is a vessel for these feelings and an elixir that provides relief.
I’m sorry again to hear about your grandfather,
Tim