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Hearts And Unicorns (Shark Pool, Show and Tell WS)
Of hearts and unicorns,
and fancy clad ladies.
It's all for a game of "Pick and Play",
Under a canopy of crows and rainbows.
Little bells beat in the storm,
and chime like reversed death-knells
calling you from the grave of living,
to the endless promenade,
hand in hand,
under the scrutiny of friends and family.
Of tear drops and split throats,
or worse, of broken hearts and limbs,
your kisses taste like chloroquine,
they're very hard to swallow.
My head is full of vanities,
I hear the pornographic chorus sing:
Life's like an uncut obscenity,
and Church is where we go to pretend.
Of Iron Hells and cloudy Heavens,
and distant dreams that remain distant.
We're like a march of damned bride and groom,
the blood red curtain falls too soon,
white roses are thrown at our little feet.
We take the stairs to the casket cruise,
and lunch the barge to the simmering West.
The sun will set on our happy days,
the moon will rise, the wind will blow.
Uncaring Time will take no heed,
to when our history finally ends.
But it's alright, dear love of mine,
We did it for the story's worth.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
Last few words:
A poem mixing love/romantic themes with dark and slightly sexual material. Largely based on my current disposition.
This poem has been submitted to the Show and Tell WS. I didn't put much thought into its writing. It's all feelings here.
Editing stage:
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Region & Country
Ghana
Favorite Poets
William Shakespeare, Lord Byron, John Keats, Percy Shelley, Oscar Wilde, Alfred Lord Tennyson, Henry Longfellow, William Yates, Ezra Pound, Sylvia Plath
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Comments
Ian.T
Sun, 2013-03-10 19:15
Error
Comment withdrawn as this is part of ongoing workshop, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
weirdelf
Sun, 2013-03-10 13:59
Ian
This is an Intensive Critique Shark Pool workshop. Each person is assigned a poem to critique, then we critique the critique.
Ian this is why we ask you to read the syllabus before commenting in workshops. Would you like to join the workshop? We still have places.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
William Saint George
Wed, 2012-08-22 05:25
Thanks for the kind thoughts
Thanks for the kind thoughts Ian. I'll work it through. :)
No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot
http://www.wsgeorge.com/
author commentBarbara Writes
Thu, 2012-08-30 23:47
beautiful William
i read boh versions and loved it. the tile is what drew me. i just had to read it. there is a lot of mixed felling here, the language is mild and mellow giving voice to deep emotions.
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William Saint George
Mon, 2013-03-04 03:57
Thanks for the comment, and
Thanks for the comment, and sorry I noticed it after so long.
Reading it now, this poem has more imagery and stronger emotional content than I realised.
No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot
http://www.wsgeorge.com/
author commentweirdelf
Sun, 2013-03-10 13:47
A reminder, people,
This is an Intensive Critique Shark Pool workshop. Each person is assigned a poem to critique, then we critique the critique. So please wait your bloody turn!
Ian and Barbara, this is why we ask you to read the syllabus before commenting in workshops. Would either of you like to join the workshop? We still have places.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
William Saint George
Sun, 2013-03-10 19:29
Jess
This is an old poem, already published here. The comments were there before the workshop. :)
No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot
http://www.wsgeorge.com/
author commentIan.T
Sun, 2013-03-10 20:05
William
I dug this one out of the Undiscovered works some one put Un Published ones on from last year, but it is a good one for the Workshop and I think Barbara just carried on from my comment, not to worry it will be sorted, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
weirdelf
Sun, 2013-03-10 23:37
oops, my bad,
apologies to Barbara and Ian.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Mon, 2013-03-11 00:13
Now just waiting Beau's critique
then we will critique her critique
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Fri, 2013-03-15 06:14
if beau can't then I nominate wesley snow
will you do it Wesley?
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
wesley snow
Fri, 2013-03-15 13:10
I'm on it.
Give me a minute.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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wesley snow
Fri, 2013-03-15 21:46
First of all...
... I'm of course a little out of my comfort zone with the form of the poem, but I never let a lack of wisdom or understanding stop me from voicing an opinion before...
The piece is considerably different from the WSG I've been reading lately, so it took a moment to settle into the language... and language I think is key here.
An attempt at imagery, the imagery is not always clear. There is only the slightest connection from the beginning of the poem to the end that is easily acheived.
Don't misunderstand me- I applaud the subtle poem, the complex work that requires a focused thought throughout the read, but in the end the most complex and sophisticated poetry still must be understood and... related to (for lack of a better term) if it is to have impact.
As William said, it is not a work of "organization", but emotional intensity.
I agree... which means what I said about "language" is paramount. As it is chiefly a study in some emotional bloodletting, it is the edgy, sometimes harsh language that carries the poem.
But again this returns one to- clarity. Clarity of language, of imagery, of content, of direction or it is nothing else but rich language.
Write something magnificently enough and content becomes meaningless.
I think that would be very hard.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
eightmenout
Tue, 2013-03-19 21:40
Wesley has some key points to
Wesley has some key points to offer with regards to the language and imagery. However, I feel like Wesley could have been more direct in some of his points and could have offered examples of where the imagery fell short.
Scott
Rula
Wed, 2013-03-20 10:32
I like what Wesley
pointed out about the elegancy of the language but I think he should have been more implicit in stating that we should not sacrifice the theme of the poem for the beauty of the language. I always thought that William and Wesley are very close in their writings and therefore it is hard for each of them to find that the other is not clear enough.
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scribbler
Wed, 2013-03-20 10:51
Hi
Wesley has done well in pointing out the imagery and word use being very good and also in pointing out that the poem reads more as a collection of snippets than a single cohesive poem. BUT......where are the examples of specific ways to overcome this? Now I Don't mean a total rewrite, rather a few samples of how some of the snippets could be changed to give the reader a better idea of the overall content the writer is trying to convey.
Far too easy to say "you failed in doing this or that". A bit harder to supply the writer with ideas or samples of alternates..................stan PS I keep biting everybody else's ass, I am probably setting myself up to be totally consumed by sharks comes my turn lol
wesley snow
Sat, 2013-03-30 11:43
Sorry I'm late again.
I agree that I gave no examples of where the poem "could" have gone. William WOULD pick this moment to write something completely off his beaten track. Form is easy to critique. Content less so. Free verse is hard for me, so I addressed the language without truly knowing where to take it that would have been clearer.
In my defense, I enjoy "language" so much that a poet occasionally (Esker comes to mind) writes something so lovely that I enjoy the work without knowing what it means.
Tragic? Maybe just a little. William has such a gift with wordsmithy that he could probably discuss a field turning to mud in the rain and it would enthrall me.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
weirdelf
Sun, 2013-05-05 23:16
This workshop is now ended.
This workshop is now ended.
Please give me feedback, either on the workshop thread
http://www.neopoet.com/workshop/show-and-tell-intensive-critique-workshop
or by PM, as to how you benefited from the workshop, criticisms and ways future workshops could be improved,
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry