Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

The Great Mason (Storytelling in Verse (sempiternal)(:-)

Introduction to the Great Mason

Cata Strophe was just a boy born on some distant place trained to work the stone for the history of man, by whom other than he mentioned his Father, is beyond the reach of our books, hidden deep in myths and magic potions, so I will start where we first met.
I did ask of him why did he want to carve the stone just so, he smiled and said in a voice gentle and low “ I carve for the sake of man, throughout their times the task is mine, from the before time I came and loaned them my name”
I asked of him “Will you seek a wife and family here or as we journey on”
Again he smiled and said to me, “It is written in the stones of rune that during my travels, but not that soon, I will find a wife that will change my life”
Then he said quietly to me, “I have lots to do I am always so busy “
“My name will never go down in history, but will always be on the tip of men’s tongues my work will puzzle many a mind, and that’s the legacy I will leave behind”
With that I started to write about the journey we made, I as a writer and he as a Master stone Mason gifted with eternity.
It is laid out here mostly in Rhyme but forgive me when there is no time, for me to make it so that you can sing it as they did in the old time,
Yours, B. E. Lieve

Cata Strophe’s Early Days

Cata when he was just a young boy,
whilst playing with his favourite toy.
Fell into a shallow pool of water clear,
Left by the Gods in old Cathay there.

He heard the Gods whispering in his ear,
We put eternal life, in the waters there.
The young boy laughed at this thought,
We shall see the twist his life brought.

Cata did though to maturity soon, grow,
His father a mason taught his craft so
Teaching him all of the Stone Mason skill,
His Father left him after becoming so ill.

I met Cata there, sitting under a tree.
He said “A companion I need, you see”
“Will you walk life’s path with me?”
I said, “Yes” as I was lonely and free.

He took me to the God’s secret pool,
There I swam in the evening’s cool.
He told me that now life would be great,
That his and my story, I could narrate.

I watched his work from that very day,
stone’s he carved, in such a careful way.
I could see that his skill was much sought,
as we travelled around, others he taught.

Eternal life was a problem you see,
making us move to many countries.
At the first when we met that day,
we vowed in places we wouldn't stay.

Teach masons, then travel through,
this we decided, between us two
He would teach and carve the stone,
I would sit and write his story alone.

The Buddha Statues

We first travelled to Indonesia’s shore,
statues of their deity, they needed more
To make them think inside you know,
Cata made them the Buddha for show.

He taught their masons this fine art,
of how their features should impart,
a message that their culture should know,
of inner peace, by sitting just so.

The Lotus position to stop any fall
to look inward was no crime at all.
It fitted in with their worship’s way.
An inner peace to fill their day.

With these lovely people we didn’t stay
As Cata had showed them told to this day
You can see his craft in the statues old
The Buddha whispered but never told

A land to the North called Cathay
They needed to build with Cata’s skill,
we travelled there without delay
His masons work would fit the bill

Early China

We wandered through places in old Cathay.
Places you may know from books of old,
Cata showed them how carving could be bold.
Carved buildings brought them a new way.

Façades of creatures and mystic beings,
Cata’s memory from an inner place’s it seems.
Of Dragon’s and creatures we had not know,
now portrayed for all to see in beautiful stone.

He taught them well and was always busy.
I watched and helped them making tools so new,
metals from ovens that would glow a red hue,
then run as water golden into patterned sand.

Metals strange that didn’t belong to land
These it is said thrown from Buddha’s hand
From other Gods who lived there in the sky
I asked, "New tools for Cata" would they try

I helped the makers of the metal tools,
to form a set for Master Cata to use.
Tears formed in his eyes as he tried them,
as copper would tend, to blunt and bend.

Early India

Moving Westward, toward the setting sun,
in Northern Indian Temples our work begun.
Great cities of many loving people there,
carvings for everyone we had to share.

Teaching them of these crafts so new,
the masons found many God’s to hew.
The temples were covered in all places,
no space spare, to carve other faces.

Temples are now hidden in the sands of time,
of cities we worked, the sea claimed nine.
We had to move on it was not the same,
the West it drew us, using a loadstone fine.

We heard that the people we had taught,
temples for monkeys, in stone had wrought.
Cata smiled and just said “What did I do”?
I said to him,” Not another word, it wasn't you”.

Ancient Egypt

We found ourselves on the banks of the Nile,
in Egypt where Pharaoh’s where kings.
They gave us plenty to do on many things,
A creature so huge, without a smile.

The creature, a Sphinx as it was deemed,
seemed to go with their myths and dreams.
We couldn't say much to the rulers there,
They used people to much, without care.

It is now clear that the face carved there
Fell out of favour to Kings that drew near
The face of a lion was Cata’s task.
With the Pharaoh’s ego it wouldn’t last

Obelisks and hieroglyphic writing we did
Messages to the afterlife, of how they lived,
they believed this was where they would go.
Journeying on with their slaves just so.

A structure made of rough hewn stone.
The Pharaoh asked Cata, if it could be done
To hold a beacon bright like morning sun,
that showed his ships the safe way home.

We spent many days in Alexander’s port,
Slaves brought the slabs which we wrought.
The structure grew, reaching for the sky
Cata said the light would make them cry.

We were becoming worried, for it seems,
servants and workers were part of their dreams.
That where they went so they did go,
in the afterlife to wait on them so.

Cata was a quiet man, had his own belief,
a freedom of spirit for all he did meet.
This was marred by many a warning fight,
we left Egypt in the middle of one dark night.

Babylon

We journeyed toward the rising sun,
places, luxurious in beautiful green.
A kingdom new, we there did find,
a city to build, now that is lost in time.

We had heard of this city new to the East,
they said it needed Masons to hue beasts.
The great gates archway, that stood so proud,
Cata laughed at blue tiles that did abound.

Here there was much work to do,
taking on apprentices, he formed a crew
Taught them to the best standard he could,
their work has now for centuries stood.

The land was so fair, like Eden, Cata did declare.
The waters were tunnelled underground everywhere,
to all the land the king owned plus more around.
The tunnels Cata helped make, are still found.

The water workings were just extra things to do,
he did what was needed to make land anew.
When the city flourished it was so grand.
“Pearl of the Euphrates” sang throughout the land.

The hanging gardens that was something to see
A world wonder, they built with structures new
On a hillside stepped the gardens just so
With amazing water works, to make things grow

Nebuchadnezzar made him a position high,
he gave to us a man servant or two,
But Cata said this will not do.
I need no slave, to do the work I do.

Cata spoke to Nebuchadnezzar the king,
now completed his city was a beautiful thing.
That his work there, was just about done
It was with heavy heart we journeyed on.

The Israelite’s

Farewell Babylon with gates of blue,
Lions and other creatures in gilded hue.
A job done we started out to another land,
Journey’s those days were less than grand.

A papyrus boat down the Euphrates way,
we travelled on to the west for a few days.
Winds blew us off course, much sand was seen.
The story isn't clear about the tribe we met there.

They told us of a story, I don’t know if true,
a man called Moses had brought them through
From Egypt they had fled in fear,
parting waters, well that wasn't so clear.

We wandered with this tribe, hard to stay alive,
in one of the great books or so it is told,
this tribe quite large, and people lived to be very old.
Death lived with them each day, in this their way.

Cata told me there must be a new way,
where people who can live for such a long time.
Can’t they find that wonderful peace of mind,
that he had been so accustomed to.

Their way took many a good beast and man,
Through greed, and other things as life can.
What gives here, we will die if life’s not worthwhile,
at that Cata’s face broke into a lovely smile.

He shared a few new thoughts with me,
Then said,” just wait here for me a while”
He headed into the hills inner thoughts did lend,
a voice told him, a mountain to ascend.

Cata told me it was so hard for him to do,
He searched his soul the rules had to be true.
Found two slabs of stone thinking “These will do me”,
he then carve the basic rules of life you see.

In a secret place, who or what spoke inside,
fresh words in rows on stone cut as a guide.
Five lines on the first, then the second just so,
Words for the good of man did just flow.

Then down the mountain he came,
I saw by his face, things would not be the same.
To the Elders his work he there did show.
“Holy Moses” one was heard to crow.

These rules are so good, with all we must share,
overhearing the man’s cry was plain,
history has remembered the wrong name.
Maker of rules is told, Moses written into scrolls.

Where the name Cata should have been,
but it will make no difference to you and me.
As the rules were there for eternity,
let us just say, that they will stand the test of time.

The leader Moses, as old as he was,
led this tribe out of the desert plains.
To a place we didn't know the right name,
But Moses said we will rebuild this city here
.
Cata was so happy he had more work to do,
a new city to build stone by stone,
a few years of a place to call home.
I shall not say how long we did dwell.

We built Jebus holding onto the hills,
With massive stones to protect our people.
The water was sweet and the place did grow,
But Cata said to me, it was time to go.

Return To China

He said in his dreams, Cathay called him,
we then journeyed there at his dreams bidding.
Many routes, deserts crossed we made it through,
so much to do, the land had been over ridden.

But today you know from what we see,
Stone buildings broad bases and towers free,
with Cata there they were twice as strong,
To work in teams, as was his dream for so long.

Cata taught them to build a very broad base,
that had a lateral look which appeared strong.
Then to cut stones of beauty to lay upon,
to rise as a symbol of Cata’s eternal grace.

We spent a while here in Cathay’s Dream,
Cata seemed so happy or so it seemed.
Then one day out of the blue he said.
“We must journey on there’s much to do”

Asia Minor and Europe

Leaving them we journeyed across the land,
to Asia Minor where many others would be.
Cata said “I am so glad you journeyed with me”.
This is a place to be, stone work a joy to see.

Turkey and Greece we dwelt for years on end,
beauty of building there seemingly without end.
From Rome to Byzantine great building true,
stone masons taught to see them through.

Cata was told of a city that needed him,
Persepolis was in great need of repair.
We sent one of our best teams to stay there,
Glory on them reign’s to this very day.

Again to China

“Bramm” said Cata “You may not like what I say”
“It is to Cathay we must journey today”
The great wall was in disarray and falling down,
because it is built of clay dug from the ground.

I had to ask why Cathay again my friend.
He smiled and gave me his reply.
“They will rule the world in the by and by
It may take more than two thousand years

We both have so much time to use,
to bring to Cathay all the world news,
Carved in stone for all of them to see,
Assimilation will be their main theme”.

I said “I have time to search so we carry on”.
Cata replied, “We really seek a truth out there,
Cathay will change so much, never fear,
let us just teach whilst we are here”

The clay walls were as pathways seen,
we travelled East with an Oxen team.
Arriving at a palace not built of clay,
Emperor Qin Shi Huang called to have his say.

This will not do, Cata told the emperor of Ming,
We will have to rebuild the whole damn thing.
Now you know what sort of thing I do,
I’ll get some teams and build it of stone for you

Qin Shi Huang agreed to Cata’s plan,
It will keep us safe from the Mongol Man.
Try to construct as fast as you can,
Huang said that he had to journey on.

He was so true in the words he spoke,
Death cut him down while we built the wall,
Another job for us did befall it was written so,
A terracotta army had to be formed.

This was a mammoth task for us to have,
not like the one before, back to the earth, sad
Cata toiled night and day terracotta from clay,
I had many faces to do each individual so true.

We had no more reason to stay, in Cathay,
once our task was done, damn red clay.
“Stone” Cata screamed at me one day,
So off on the silk route we wound our way.

Back to Asia Minor and Europe
A year passed and many things were seen,
We stayed with the Turks in the city Byzantine.
It was so comfortable there many years fled by,
Cata taught, I history wrote, of the mason and I

Turkey to Rome these places we called home.
Teaching them to build structures of their own
Structures formed in stone everywhere.
His skill with all he met, he would share,.

We eventually made it through to Norman land,
Cata taught them a new way to build using sand.
An arch that had a keystone top centre so true
No pillar supports, spacious houses new

This was a joyous time for Cata and me,
Oh! places are there you can still see
Massive buildings throughout the lands.
People prayed, their God near at hand

We trained many men in the Masons way,
Crosses with intricate patterns filled their day.
Given to religious explorers, such as Dias to use,
Around the coast of Africa he spread the news.

All Europe gained by Cata’s teaching crafts
Drawing loved stone, he showed rough drafts.
Giant buildings seemed to be his new range
Gargoyles and Saints a mixture so strange

In Scotland he did find a place so rare
Nature had carved the stone up there
The name given was The Giants Causeway,
Cata paced up and down for the rest of the day.

The Giants Causeway where on Earth did it go,
we caught a boat so that he would know.
Ireland a land of more emerald greens,
we stayed in Ireland carving many things.

In Dublin we met an old Viking King,
we thought that they raped and did pillaging.
This is not so, we found they were settlers indeed,
their countenance though fearful it filled our need.

The Americas

They told us of a new world across the sea,
It was vast, and there we said we could be happy
We asked them if they could take us there,
this they did and we arrived without a care.

A restful time as stone they didn't use
We found this beautiful place just to peruse
We found nations, of many gentle people,
in skin houses, pointed, no stone so simple.

Gaining knowledge of this part of the human race
Though in this hidden places his trade slowed a pace
Some stone places hidden deep underground.
Plains people just didn't need such things around

Places not yet found by you, who took this land.
Not the life we knew, spirit life pictured in sand.
Travelling south with the plains people our guide,
Cata and I spent many years, stonework put aside

Pueblo city places built, that were simple stone,
We moved further South, Cata’s craft to hone
There he would be happy to stop and play,
To work the stone again, teaching each day.

Mexico

Here he started to carve stone for their city,
our time was short and that was a great pity
Some of his work you will already know
It rests in the old Mexico city just below.

Cata became tired of teaching for a while.
“You need a rest” I told Cata he just smiled.
“If we live forever Bramm my dear friend,
then to rest from toil we won’t start a trend”.

Cata said the city we were building was fine.
It was a cauldron of fire way back in time.
Leaving Mexico behind, without any guilt
The Maya we found needing cities built.

Mayan People

Here in their world, we found a beautiful place
With mighty trees and much food and space
Here we settled working for many a year
Cata took himself a wife of the people there.

I could not believe he had taken my advice,
Cata the super mason with a beautiful wife.
Then damn me after a while all I did see,
children on his great arms numbering three.

They called themselves the Mayan people,
lovers of stone, and life was quite simple.
It was easy there and his life was good,
a calendar for them, for the life and food.

A mighty task would keep us busy many a year,
We had travelled far to find this family so dear.
By this time his two sons and Daughter were there,
But he had little time with them, as families share.

Cata toiled with their calendar chipping away,
The people were pleased asking more each day.
There they would gather to watch him toil,
Carving the days and years, rumours of turmoil.

Teaching the young his craft from days of old,
Visions of his origins, in secret I was told.
Where space and time bend to yours and mine,
Journeys taken with just a thought of that time.

Year after year he carved figures, as if for always,
This calendar reached into the Mayan future days.
We lost a sense of things, in this tasks carvings true
Cata said we could not stay, we should find pastures new

We heard that the people gathered at the calendar,
Cata and I could not be found in our usual manner.
The calendar stopped at 21st of December 2012,
Joining his loving family, his work was shelved

Amazonian People

Travelling South for many more days,
A few things carved as we went on our ways.
I had to smile as he showed a local tribe,
To carve perfect round balls and in the jungle to hide.

This land where we had started to journey through,
it had no people that we could teach anew.
Late one day on a beach of an Ocean so blue,
A boat to travel, Babylon style of reads would do.

Pacific Journey

We left their world in our boat made of reeds,
With his family, some friends and lots of feed
We had been told of an Island many days far away,
Which bears the name of a Christian holiday

Cata had from Cathay earlier retrieved,
a stone piece that that travellers really need
It was made from Lode stone of great worth
Floated on water, it always points to North.

We steered each day at right angles to its indication
Pythagoras theory of angles, and Phoenician’s navigation
We had spent hours talking to him about many things
The sizes and angles even of Pyramids of Kings

It was a journey as if programmed by hell,
It took us seven weeks none of us were too well.
There full in our view an Island poking out of the blue,
With trees, water chasing down the sides so new.

Here Cata stopped carving stones for building true,
I called this his giant phase, huge staring statues
Carving giant faces, with funny hats of stone,
The people placed them to protect their island home.

One day the great Cata’s wife passed away,
After her death they had a war, we didn't stay
Leaving just statues, the people became no more
They are there today on that gazing from its shore.

Reflection

Looking out to sea, waiting for you to see,
But it is the Mayan calendar that worried thee,
Until this story is told, you couldn’t really know
Cata smiles still, where many are puzzled so.

A calendar that foretold nothing at all,
It was just a task on him that did fall
As a Master Mason it was sink or swim,
With things he knew, he made the damn thing

He told me one day, as in a field we rested,
The calendar of which there are many interested.
Is an eternal one, that runs the years in line,
Five thousand, two hundred years each time.

I will tell you now that we still live, in a loving home,
A quiet life, so that he will never be known.
That he Cata's is the Master Mason that carved stone,
I am sure we will not stay here, where we are alone.

Edited to here:-27/04/2013

Australia

I have lost touch with Cata as you do
Let me know if he has passed through
I worry you see this living till eternity
Is a strain on both of us you see

I am sitting here under this old gum tree,
Damn the Kookaburra’s have found me.
The birds tell me, if Cata has moved on,
I think that we won't be here very long.

Please tell me if you have heard of him,
there were whispers just last year, I tell,
he caused quite a stir, out toward Alice way,
An old man with a chisel was chased away.

Uluru it seemed had caught his eye,
the Master Mason we both know, you and I
would not resist such a beautiful stone,
luckily he was not alone, I was there! Ha Ha.

Cata old time Master Stone Mason bade,
That the world should learn his wonderful trade.
He taught it so that you would for ever share,
Just look around at the beautiful buildings there

Teach he would with tapping chisel just so.
Tapping things that others should know
Telling stories with the stone working just so,
Pictures telling the world which way to go.

Cata from Uluru rock was thrown
He decided that he would visit home
There in Cambodia they asked him to stay
A beautiful temple to build his way

He chose the site with such care.
A moat of water he asked should be there.
A massive structure the best he could do
Angkor Wat fulfilled his wishes true

So many sculptures they had to make
Cata made several teams, to build with haste
Waiting in the village there I found
A place to learn of Bayon ways profound.

I told my friend Cata that it was time
To visit my home, build a church of some kind.
He smiled and said "Bramm you deserve a rest"
So to my home we journeyed to build the best.

In Salisbury we did finally stop
There was a Catheadral right on the top
The locals called it Sarums view
Cata said we will build it all anew.

Into the valley we walked for a while
Five streams met, Cata pointed with a smile
We shall build a structure here for their God
I said to him "But this is just a bog.

We had learned of many ways to build.
Never in a place where the ground did yield.
Bring hudles of woven wood to my side
Under the foundations they will hide.

I asked him "Why this foundation lay"
Cata said that they would rot evenly each day
The building would settle steadily it seems
I couldn't believe what I had just seen.

Fourty years we stayed and had a building true,
Behind was a bell tower of the same hue.
This stops the bells making the building shake
We left the Cathedral for our team to make

Later in a letter to us both we were told
That the builders had become so bold
On the tower we left there in their hands
A spire the tallest in Christendom's lands.

We can start again as the end will be rewritten.
Go To Day One
Yours, Cata, and his Adopted son,

Bramm..

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Now I shall start to clean this one up so that it will be presentable and readable maybe for the children??? I have now spent a few minutes cleaning this up for it to be open for Edit and repair and Comment are very welcome, it is a long read so maybe when time permits I shall split it up into its places as Cata visited them with me in tow. I hope that the story teaches someone things that they have never read before, Good luck. I think it is in Chronological order it was a long journey and I think that Cata is becoming restless again, Yours Bramm .E. Lieve This will need quite a bit of help lol (NB:-Edited 27/04/2013 ( annotated as it is done) Look up some of the places mentioned they are priceless to out history. Yours Ian.T
Editing stage: 

Comments

but I will be here tonight (Saturday).
Faithfully, The Slug

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

You and me both it was just after midnight I stopped last night and now first thing this morning, still we become involved in the suggestions of others such as Mark and just had to say lots this time.
Neopoet is taking quite a few hours each day now but I have neglected a few other things, but we will redress the problem later today.
You have read Cata or most of it before, but I have gone through it again before posting for this workshop, so I hope that it fares well, though I am not being commented on very much of late and I am going to address this also within the next few days, sorry that you have been without a comp and your other problems, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

An intriguing idea that this long lived gentleman is responsible for so much. Do you have more places and markings we can attribute to him?
As a story, it needs more purpose. The Moses bit is what I mean (that's my favorite bit), but the poem misses "his" motivation. Keeping him a mystery is a good trick, but inevitably he needs to be revealed to us. Why does he do this? What does he think of it all? Some of your explanation is quite simple- he needed the work. Can we expand on this? He's a little like Forrest Gump wandering through life affecting so much, but with little or no awareness of his impact.

You probably know that I have issues with the meter. This is where I live, so it would be the only real complaint I have. It's simply too inconsistent for my tastes. Some of the lines need looking after because they don't quite make sense. Their meaning is easily inferred, but I would rather see them cleaned up. This is nothing more than mechanics. A couple of examples-

"In skin pointed houses no stone so simple"... it wants for punctuation, but I notice (as per your occasional style) that none is used.

"That he Cata's the one that carved stone"... using the personal pronoun with a contraction (and not possessive) doesn't gel.

There are a few more, but I think you would find them easily and we're only talking clarity here. I have a bigger problem with the inconsistent meter. This is my perspective of course, but it's the only one I have, so...

Is this a complete work or do you have other plans? It is a curious idea and I for one would like to see more detail.

What do the rest of you think?
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I love the story especially that part of it at least took place in Egypt. I loved the idea and how you weave it.
I think you've done a better job concerning the meter (syllable count) in the second part (the calender) . As for the first part , it needs some padding which is not so hard.That I believe would give your story a charming look and read.

Please don't give up. I shall be waiting to read about your CATA Hero.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

This story is being rebuilt and will take a couple of days as I have to sort out a few things such as dates and times of when these things happened.
I am writing the start over keeping the Egyptian side or the present write as is but before that Cata was in Babylon for a while, I will sort it soon.
The workshop has no time limit but I will have some more before the weekend, LOL A lot of people have missed that his name is Catastrophe, as this ends up after the Mayan calender on to Easter Island then I have to take him beyond that time as 106 people survived in Easter Island and some maybe Cata went on to other places,
I just need my dates to be right lol
Thanks for your read and reply, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

I am really sorry that I haven't noticed about the name as being CATASTROPHE as I have been ignorant to that history. This gives the story an additional dimension at least for me.
keep it up!

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

I am doing a lot of research into time scales of when things were built,
I don't want to have Cata building Babylon before the Sphinx etc:
So I have started to rethink this one a little, there may have to be more than one Mason working in other parts of the world under the eye of Cata,
Take care out there, I think I should have stuck to nursery rhymes lol.
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

... then tell you what I really like about this over the other tale in the last workshop.

The tale and language is... cute. I hate to use that word because I fear you'll misconstrue my meaning, but cute it is.
I like it... okay? The story is over the top children's faire. Of course no one like this could possibly exist and that is the great joy here. I hope I am understood.
The problem is the meter. You mentioned this is a rough draft. Cool. That's why we're here. Personally I feel that if one is to write a long piece of semi whimsical nature in verse the meter MUST BE absolutely consistent. My inner twelve year old must be able to start rolling with this and just soar. A single stumble in meter and the magic is broken. It can be retrieved, but each break in the meter will do it again and again until my twelve year is walking over rocks.

That will never do. You must go the direction you feel is necessary, but to my ear your greatest challenge is to clean this meter up all the way through.

Now what I really like.
Ian, this is a story. You have me. I want to go with you. There is exposition and a nascent complication. This is not reflection and rambling. This is the beginning of story telling.
Bravo.
See if you can get these two pieces put together so we have the beginnings of a coherent whole and then start tackling the meter while you carry on toward a climax. Don't rush it. We have time.
I'm really tickled over this thing.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Thanks for your comment yes I will probably ask for a bit of help later I was thinking that the story needed to have some work done on its total layout.
There are many countries to go and it was the time factor that I had to sort out that alone took a few hours, I needed a list of when things happened in the world from the first stone carvings to the present day it may take a few days more yet it's just a beginning.
The story later may well be better suited to the younger ones as it will teach them to look up exactly where Cata is and the time scale.
Will sort it out gradually, the meter will be the icing on the cake at the last edits so I have lots of work to do as you know even a small epic needs a lot of work, Yours Ian.T

PS:- the two people involved in this story are Catastrophe & Believe

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

but agree with wesley that the messy meter spoilt the read for me

if you are going to want to keep a readers's interest the write needs to flow just that little more, although i have to say that this is one of your better writes re rhythm - so with just a little work it would be great.

also, you have mixed the rhyme scheme - some verses are abab, while others are aabb, and some don't rhyme at all. i wonder if you meant to do this?

and i didn't miss the names catastrophe and belief :)
looking forward to reading more ...
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

thanks for your visit this one has a long way to go yet and there are many stanzas that are being written at the moment, also many dates and times to correct but am working on it, The AABB bits are random at the moment later I have to sort out the arrangement and lines then something to do with meter lol.
It is such a big story and there is much research to do hope I can squeeze it all in before the world ends this year, but I asked Cata and all he said was how silly of people don't they know it is one of those diaries that you just have to start again like one of those five year thingslol,
Thanks again take care out there, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

This is now gone mad 106 Stanzas I will split them up into time zones as it covers from Indonesia 5000 years ago to the present.
I am sorry it is so long but it just went with the journey of Cata,
Love you all, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

this is such a fun write - i enjoyed it

it makes a great story... i'm looking forward to your 'cleaning up' the rhythm and rhyme

i was especially taken with (surprise, surprise)
'Uluru it seemed had caught his eye,
the Master Mason we both know, you and I
would not resist such a beautiful stone,
luckily he was not alone, I was there! Ha Ha'

and one of my many smiles through this piece appeared at
'This will not do, Cata told the emperor of Ming,
We will have to rebuild the whole damn thing.'

keep up the great work
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Thank you for you comment on The Mason Cata,
I shall, after while have a look at the rhyme and rhythm, I have been working this one for a few hours over the past day or so, trying to tidy it so that people can read and the chronological order was a swine,
Thanks again, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

The new pieces have seemingly been written with a bit more patience as the meter has fewer flaws. Maybe that's a hint from the master mason that he would you take your time. Personally, it takes me a great deal of energy not to rush my big poem. One gets to thinking that of course it will never be completed and instinct takes over to write faster (but not better). I must constantly tell myself to "slow down" and I make it a rule to never go on to the next bit until what I have has been cleaned up to a semblance of satisfaction.
It means of course that I will never finish, but in the meantime I am happier with what I have produced. And who knows, maybe patience will pay off.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Thanks for your visit, yes I am starting to sort out the piece of writing stanza by stanza.
Any additional Stanzas are put at the start of the whole thing also added at the correct chronological place, this whole story was draft written very quickly as you can see by some of the meter which I am beginning to try hard at and the rhyme, maybe later I will adapt to a children type story.
Which is the reverse to this workshop but that can go either way..
Thanks for your continued checks, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

Be wary of writing "for children". P.L. Travers (Mary Poppins) once said that there was no such thing as children's literature, merely good literature and bad. Some of it is suitable for children, some of it is not.
I mentioned that the poem had a whimsical feel that lent itself to a young audience (rather a neat way of teaching history through architecture) and I still think so, but I don't believe you should "adjust" your style to better fit into a non existent form.
Just write the thing, make it some of the best stuff you can and we'll see if it's still suitable for children at the final reading.

Which actually brings me to another subject.

Specifics.

Don't go nuts here because I think you have enough work to do cleaning up the meter, but I wouldn't be averse to seeing more details in what Cata makes, where he makes it and the nature of society there at the time.

But I'm a history buff.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I said that maybe later I would write something akin to this for the children
and I do know the pitfalls of such a task..
Now you said above:-

Specifics.

Don't go nuts here because I think you have enough work to do cleaning up the meter, but I wouldn't be averse to seeing more details in what Cata makes, where he makes it and the nature of society there at the time.

Actual:- Cata starts off in some remote place not known to anyone or the secret pool would be searched for lol.
Now from there to Indonesia, at a very early time the Buddhas there were made to a specific pattern, their smile and the way they sit all mentioned in the story..
Each place Cata goes to there is a part where his work is explained.
The lions of the city of Babylon..

The Sphinx of egypt with the Obelisks there.

The cities of northern India that are now beneath the sea bar one that is on the coast, they have said that at the time of the great Tsunami the other year they could see five of those cities as the sea retreated..

The first buildings in China(Cathay) large based and carved well, also the wall that was originally of packed earth, not that Cata would build with packed earth

The ten commandments, and many other things attributed to old stone Masons but really Cata is so cross that they don't mention his name even the Terracotta Army and the great wall made of stone.
This is an exercise in letting people become interested in the small pieces I have written of Cata.
Right up to Easter Island and his large phase when he carved the Statues there..
Come on have a look at the history in there, and just ask me again what Cata did on his journey's, he has asked me to find out if there is a part of the old history you want to know about, I shall relate his answer to me for you.
He is resting on a distant shore at the moment, as I have a few more years of his journey to write up as yet.
Just take care, now Cata has asked me to carry on and bring the story up to date before I sort out the Meter he said something about he always uses cubits whatever they are..
Ah! he has told me they are a traditional unit of length, based on the length of the forearm: from the elbow to the tip of the middle finger. Cubits of various lengths were employed in many parts of the world in Antiquity, in the Middle Ages and into Early Modern Times.
So you see you have left me in a quandary as to what to do shall I correct or tell the story true,
Yours Bramm E Lieve
(Papyrus Script) PS:- You also said to someone else that:-

This is storytelling sir.
A clean exposition without bogging us down
with unnecessary information, a complication that grows in steps and a climax in the first part of our piece.
The resolution here answers some questions while posing others.
?????????????????????????????

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

It's a curse.

Is this now in a semi completed form? Can I read it through from start to finish and get a feel of what it will be when tuned up? Or... are there more parts to be added before we start messing with the language?
I would like very much to get a feel of the story as a whole.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

This is one of those unending stories but we can at this moment pause for major repairs it will help in the "long" run lol.
I have started on editing the stanzas but not for form at the moment, But I think we can start making comments where needed..
Thanks for you attention to this piece, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

sorry I've been absent. I had trouble getting on to the site. I'm guessing problems with Sandy back east, but I'm here now.
I would very much like to see this organized in a "finished" sort of way. I don't mean necessarily all the repairs to meter that need to be done, but I would like to read it from start to finish in its intended order and not just checking out the new additions. It is the whole of the thing I seek. We can critique individual stanza, but likely the only problems I'm going to see are meter related. I want to read "the story" as it stands, so I might discuss exposition, complication, et. al.
Does that make sense? Can you put it together in its proper order any time soon.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

The whole thing is complete as a story but as all things they can be expanded, but for the sake of this workshop I shall now concentrate on correcting rhyme and reason, with of course a little help from my friends.
The story of Cata can be expanded into a massive work and you are only too well aware of the troubles this brings..
So I am at the moment just going through some of the stanzas to make them sound better.
Chronologically it is near correct so I will not add to this piece here on this workshop.
It only started as a small piece about the Mayan calendar now look what it has become endless stanzas of all his journeys.
Thank you for your workshop and guidance we can now get down to sorting out the other problems of meter etc:
Yours Ian.T
PS:- I hope that you have recovered from your problems and will be glad that you are back with us here...

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

I do indeed know the pitfalls of writing a large work. I started mine with "epic" in mind and got for my troubles "uber epic". I actually disallow myself to think about story lines during the day and concentrate only on the poetry. If I let myself "brainstorm" even a moment I add another month's worth of tale to the end of it all. Since I will die long before this is complete anyway I suppose that's not such a bad thing, but the sheer depth of thing can be rather frustrating.
My advice? Concentrate on the poetry alone for a time. There are sooooo many stone creations in the world, you could get yourself into quite a bind.
You haven't even touched on Gobeki Tepe yet.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Now there's a thing Gobeki Tepe this was Cata's Father who was crushed by a fall of stone in early China, he had built places like Gobeki Tepe and arranged the drawings of the great astrological monument Stonehenge also in Scotland he built a few Cairns.
We just have to be careful with these things, maybe I will look up the old scrolls that we took from Alexandria's library for Cata's family tree, to just see who did what..
You must not get confused with the pre Cata buildings and stone work they are of a much differing design.
They like the Strauss family kept the name Cata going from Father to son,
so there is a little confusion if you haven't studied both of their works.
I only journeyed with Cata the younger so that is it,
Yours, Bramm Tuo

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

... some of your medication.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

it was wrong and unnecessary.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Thank you for your interest I will await your read a little later,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

i will return with my brain intact.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

this piece needs a lot of reading and editing and at the moment my time is short.
As the workshop is open ended there is no hurry.
Take care out there, Yours as always Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

As I check in from time to time I notice repairs in the meter which please my overstructured sensibilities. I feared the separation of the poem into "lands" would interfere with the linear sense of the tale, but that has not been the case.
Continue and take your time.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

As you may have guessed by now, I don't concern myself with the poetry in this workshop overmuch. Our other poets are eminently qualified to tell you the meter needs work (and you've figured this out as well... I note the improvement where applied). Here I am far more concerned with storytelling.
You have now entered into a realm I've been living in for several years. Your tale is become large enough that organizing the components of the tale become more difficult. Here is one thought you may not have taken into consideration.
Every story (no matter length) will have the four components we harp about. This is not negotiable. They will exist whether you place them or not. All we have control over is whether they succeed in being clear and thereby driving the story successfully. Exposition is. Either you fill it with information succinct enough to draw and hold our interest or leave it so sparse as to leave us in confusion... it will be.
The story as a whole (the big picture) will have an exposition, a complication, a climax and a resolution, but what you may not have considered is that this is true of virtually every scene. In a book, play, movie or comic book these things occur in smaller and smaller increments. Every chapter will have all four parts. Every conversation will have all four parts. Every descriptive paragraph will have ALL FOUR PARTS. Look at one of your smaller poems and you will see that every verse is comprised of all four parts. Some are clear and drive the subject matter, some are not and muddle the verse. Quality is, of course, up to us, but these parts will be.
This big poem of yours is often missing clearly structured pieces. Not every vignette has a clear complication and most of them have very weak climaxes. The resolutions are often "presumed" as the story goes on.
Take a little time (I have printed this out and will be looking at it again over the coming weeks) and look at each vignette in regards to these pieces and ask yourself if they could stand alone. They needn't of course, but they must "feel" as though they could. Each section should be able to supply its own motivation, climactic moment and resolution that carries on to the next exposition.
Does this make sense?
Come back?

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Below is a link to canto four of my BAP. I chose this one because it's one of the smaller. Don't sweat the summary and begin with the section starting line 97. You won't understand exactly what's going on, but for the purpose of our experiment that is unimportant. It is a conversation between the witch and the evil, cowardly General Alcroft. You are looking for component parts. Not all of them. For now I want you to try to isolate the expositions. I use my own work because I, of course, have studied it enough to be able to break it down in such a way with relative ease. Look for the expositions that occur throughout the conversation. They overlap (as all of our parts will), but you should be able to pick out the main "beginnings" that sprinkle through the conversation.
This is just an experiment to see if we can get you to isolate the same thing in your poem and there is no right or wrong.
Hint: I count six clear expositions in the scene (with several smaller ones in between). See if you can tell me where most of them start.

Canto Four
http://www.neopoet.com/node/4555

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I see what you are talking about and have created a Blog of the things you have talked about as an instruction piece for this type of work..
Now to what I have been doing:-
I have been writing as a poem, this is not the same as the way you have described.
What I am going to have to do is rethink a lot of the work for this workshop and wade through the epic making it as you write.
Where I can hold the reader with each stanza and not just write flowery poetry which I am so use to doing.
I shall endeavour to sort out Cata and his journey, it is a good job that this is an open ended workshop these things are going to take a lot of thought and time.
I shall at first carry out edits on the first part and gradually work through the Journey, and try to make this near to your outline of what we are working toward.
I usually just write for fun, and the time it takes is as nothing to my day, now I am going to have to work at this, OMG what have I got into.
Thanks for all your help and now as the picture is clear as to the end product I shall away to my pretty words, to give them an edge, lol,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

...to be honest with you; l think that this is an extremely, ambitious undertaking....l didn't have a huge problem with your meter, (although sir wesley IS correct in pointing out the piece's occasional "choppiness")...but, l noticed several, "false rhymes", & that you also had some rhymes that you rhymed with the original word, itself.
That's MY biggest, "nit-pick''. Havjng said that, l beg your forgiveness 4 my anal retentiveness, & retardation in this instance;
sincerely;
doc.

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

This is a rough draft and will take many months to even present as a good piece.
I think it is one of those writes that will be edited for eternity.
It was a small undertaking to start with then expanded into this series of time s and dates.
I think that the best thing to do with it is to take each time section and make them a separate piece to be joined at some time near infinity. lol
Thanks for you comment and I hope the read wasn't that bad,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.