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GHOSTS AND MEMORIES (December contest)

The better half has gone to bed
yet here I sit in the near dark
thinking of all of loved ones dead.
All my thoughts are sad and stark.

I think of all my close kin gone
leaving me being the "old man".
All their advices I depended on
gone like air through an ancient fan.

Plus all of the friends I had
who now sleep beneath the grass.
You'd think by now I'd not be sad
so much time has come to pass.

I think of team mates in high school
Who grew up and then moved on.
Perhaps I am some kind of fool
to think living folk can still be gone.

Outside the sky is clear and cold.
The moon is full and stars are bright.
Rehashed memories grow like mold
on this the eve of Christmas night.

Memories...ghosts, they are the same.
A visit from either one now past
can leave my mood both dark and lame.
Like a visit from ghosts of Christmas past.....

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Once in a great while I post straight from hollow head to post without any edit. This is one such time
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content


I appreciate your dropping by

author comment

but this just leaves room for improvement! Here are my pointers:
St 1, Ln 1: Perhaps say "My" better half. It would help not make the second line (with its own 'the') not seem grammatically repetitive. Ln 3: "Thinking of all of loved ones dead" maybe try "Thinking of all the loved-ones dead" Ln 4: Perhaps "So every thought is sad and stark" simply because you have the word "all" in your previous sentence AND following one. This would smooth things out.
St 2, Ln 1: Maybe "I think of all MY close kin gone" (capitalization not necessary) to make it more personal and reduce the ever-recurrent 'the'. ;) Ln 2: You could drop the 'the' before "old man" and it would also smooth your meter-count. Also capitalizing the 'o' in "old man" could improve the idea. Ln 4: Love this imagery.
St 4: This whole stanza is great.
St 5, Ln 4: try "On this, the Eve of Christmas night." if not the capitalization of 'Eve' at least the comma will be more grammatically correct.
St 6, Ln 4: This line is so stiff and out-of-meter it ruins the ending climax of your poem. I would suggest trying to rearrange it until you can get a good fit, because it is so key to the message/idea of the poem. "A call from the Ghost of Christmas Past" is the only one I can think of off the top of my head.
Merry Christmas!

"To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's true aim." Oscar Wilde

For your input. I'll smoke over the ideas then do an edit on new years day

author comment
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