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The Fox
You appeared and sat on the sand dune
I was transfixed for so briefly, on that breathless summer's day
A solitary figure, your fur the color of bronzed fire
Your eyes gold with such ancient intelligence
Your wild beauty reviled by so many
A feral creature of mass extermination
Suddenly there was only swaying grasses and you where gone.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
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Editing stage:
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Comments
weirdelf
Fri, 2013-12-20 14:01
This is a really effective piece.
I think it could do with a little tidying up. Some of these suggestions may seem trivial but just consider them and perhaps you will see that the cumulative effect tightens up the poem.
I was transfixed for so briefly, [lose 'for' and add a line break]
on that breathless summer's day
Your eyes gold with such ancient intelligence [I'm glad you didn't say 'wisdom', I might have puked. Still not comfortable with intelligence, I haven't seen it in a fox's eyes, maybe that's just me]
A feral creature of mass extermination [grammar. You need to replace 'of' with something that means 'near', 'threatened by' or 'subject to'. See the difference?]
Suddenly there was only swaying grasses and you where gone.
either
Suddenly there were only swaying grasses and you were gone. [were!]
or
Suddenly there was only swaying grass and you were gone.
Like I said, small changes, they often make a big difference.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
jucat
Tue, 2013-12-17 20:01
the fox
Thank you with the ancient intelligence I have actually been feeding the fox for the last year and they have very intelligent eyes.I live in Australia and here they are hunted and poisoned and shot ruthlessly.Thank you for you input ..KInd Regards Judy
weirdelf
Tue, 2013-12-17 22:32
that was the least important
and most subjective of my comments.
I'm an Aussie too.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Mon, 2013-12-16 22:43
Oh yes, welcome to Neopoet!
An impressive first post, I look forward to more.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Roscoe Lane
Wed, 2013-12-18 11:11
Welcome,
Welcome to Neopoet and i agree with you, they certainly have intelligent eyes. I have two Germain Sheperds i walk regularly in woods near my home. The Fox have a den there and follow the dogs as they walk and chase the balls i throw for them, especially in the winters morning and evenings. They have the intellegence to know that if they stay a certain distance, there is no danger from the dogs. They also have preplanned escape routes as i've seen several times when they're startled. Anyway before i ramble on, i think your poem describes the Fox perfectly. A heartfelt welcome to Neopoet, i look forward to reading more of your poems. Regards Roscoe..
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
mand
Thu, 2013-12-19 15:05
Hi Jucat
Your poem is lovely - beautiful in its simplicity. I love your description of the foxes fur and eyes and the feeling of being mesmerized and caught up in the moment.
This was uncomplicated and a joy contemplate! ( but sad to think of their plight )
Love Mand xxxxx
China Blue
Mon, 2013-12-23 14:28
Jucat
I pictured every image you painted and that indeed your poem conveyed. Nicely written, there is something very peaceful in reading this poem
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)