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The first poem I ever wrote

Jess (Weirdelf) is running a bit of a fun workshop - publishing the first poem (warts and all) you ever wrote. Go on, sign up. I've laid my soul bare, so join me.............
Remember to sign up for the workshop and then select 'Poets first poems' under the workshop tab at the bottom of the page, before you post to the stream.

Just for Weirdelf's workshop. This is the first poem I ever wrote, it makes me cringe to read it and I want to edit it like mad, but here it is.

Had a bad day, feeling blue
Life not going right for you.
Work, work, work, never a break
Chase your tail, no give and take.

Overspend, another card
Buy it, buy it, don’t think too hard.
Fancy him, fancy her
Go on, go on, touch that star.

Cocooned in comfort
Colour matched,
Sophisticated, coordinated
Down the hatch

One for the road
Go on, I will.
I know I can
So what the hell.

This picture ain’t pretty
It’s all too cheap
Living the dream
Tongue in cheek.

Spare a minute, stop and think
Are you really on the brink?
Are your children safe and warm
Have they come to any harm?

Your road to nowhere
Where does it go?
Don't think too hard
Follow the flow.

In Pakistan today
141 blown away.
Their light snuffed out,
Their lives gone
Curse the bullet
Curse the bomb.
In the name of God
What holy crime?
In perpetuity
Time after time.

Is my God different to yours?
One God for peace
One God for wars.

Is there a God
Just for killing,
Is there another
Benign and smiling?

Suffer the children
To come to me,
Then break their innocence
On a killing spree.

Whatever the creed
Whatever the name
Surely our Gods
Are one, the same.

We share the planet
We are one race,
A slight of colour
A twist of face.

It doesn’t matter
We are the same.
What’s in a place
What’s in a name?

How can we justify the hurt
The pain
We inflict
Again, again.

How can we keep us
Whole and safe?
If we obliterate
The Human Race.

Last few words: 
I've just checked and I wrote this in 2014. It was prompted by the horrific story of a bombing in Pakistan where the majority of the victims were school children. I looked at the cosy, comfortable existence many of us are used to. At what many feel as their right to a safe life and I felt sickened. It seems very a naive poem and lacking in structure to me now, but it was my first foray into writing poetry.
Editing stage: 

Comments

although this is a workshop poem, I feel compelled to comment on it. I hope you don't mind. I think, this, your very first poem is very good, for a couple of reasons. it is full of raw feeling, and flows rather well. it also tells us about the author and what a caring person you are. I get from this read that you are a thinker. you want things to be logical and make sense. unfortunately, most people are rational. which means that they can ration away logic.

always, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
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Of course I don't mind. It's always lovely to hear from you.
So nice to see you back on site.
Jxx

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Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

author comment

standing in front of the Principal in tears
no fees
my pop could give

she smiled at me and said

have you composed a poem ever
and I smilingly said
Yes
show me
I pulled it out of my pocket
as swiftly as does a magician
a chicken from a flat hat

the poem was titled
THE TRUANT.
She was baffled
I read it
no she read it
and told me get out of the office
be swift
that was my only script

It's now been ages
I can't recompose it
so let me post my
second
may be you will accept it..

You often hassle for people to read your work yet you don't bother to read the instructions posted for workshops.
If you want to post a poem to this "Poets First Poems" workshop delete it from here and post it to 'Submit a poem' but before you click 'Save' click on 'Workshop' and from the drop-down select 'Poets first poems'

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

We always wonder this. If God is good, why is there pain?
Free will.
He has grant us the right to be as we decide to be and that is violent and horrid.

As for the poem, like mine it is not old. We came to poetry late in life I am guessing.
Of course there is trouble with the meter. What of it? It is before you understood.
Still, the poem works. It is poetry and gets across its point.
It seems we cannot turn on the television without it staring us in the face.
I liked the repetitions. Some may not, but I think it adds a hurried feel to the piece.
Don't edit now as that would ruin the point. It is a reflection of a specific time in your life.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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The poem was a knee jerk reaction to such mindless killing.
It is raw and not considered. I'm not sure I'll ever edit it. I might just use it as a springboard to another poem.
Jx

------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

author comment

to me; those days of bafflement and shame that we are all a part of the human race. I don't remember first-hand, WWI or WWII, but I read about them in school and heard my uncles and older men talking about how many men, women and children died; because of Hitler and the Japs and the horror of the 'Death Camps'. I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around the idea that millions of people died because of those that lusted for power. I have little hope for the human-race ever finding a solution to war. Very moving and it shows the caring person that you are. ~ Gee.
.

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In three short years you have grown from this trite, naively structured style, albeit containing good ideas,
To the fined, subtle and accomplished poet you are today.

I don't think Neopoet can claim much credit for this. Tell me. What has most influenced your learning and growth?

And who are your favourite poets?

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

when I posted this. I could have lied, found a half decent poem, but nope, laid my soul on the line.....
I think Neopoet can take a fair degree of credit in helping to shape what I write today. The workshop environment helps for one thing, but reading other poets helps enormously.
We have some superb ones here.
Workshops help too, even if it's a subject you have some familiarity with, the discipline is good.
I also went back and read favourite poets - Betjeman, Eliot, Yeats, Frost, The Romantics, The Metaphysical poets, although instead of putting them down without understanding, I persevered, until I did. I read what other poets were saying, and concentrated on how they were saying it.
But more than any thing else, it was my Dad, dying. It ignited a spark. I had to write and found I had so much to say. The first poem I published on here - 'Dad's Poem' was the second poem I ever wrote and I think in that, you can see I had moved on from the tripe above. (albeit tripe with some good ideas).
Jx
PS. Strangely (for me), I don't want to edit it, just move on............

------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

author comment

Make I copy this and post it as a blog entitled "All the best ways to improve your poetry?"

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

in the interests of education and all.............
Jx

------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

author comment

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

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