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(first poem) Endless Time

"Endless Time"
Freedom searching where to stay
Love wanting, soon to stray.
Everywhere they put you down
Life unfolding, this I've found.
Tareing, smearing, haunting 'til
Yet far away, it's there so still
Never stopping endless way
Beseeching wind, calling prey.
Yes I see I hear so well
wander far, this go still
Passing running eternity lie
On it goes never die
Persued with anger hiding be
On still chasing just to be free.
Time sonsuming, in my heart I'm there
On still further I must dare.
Pressed by time pushed by 'morrow
With the dawn goes all my sorrow
Intensified, grasping, crushing,
Soon ending, this be rushing.
Throbbing pain lessened to aching
Alone and hurt, haterid making
Now remorse takes place of sorrrow
As for me; there's no tomorrow.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
this was one of my first poems. the others I threw out. probably should have done for this one as well. age:14 here it is, as is:no clean-up. I know it is crap.
Editing stage: 

Comments

but good rhyming! Sounds like a lot of hurt there. The only critique I can offer, is the spelling of some of the words. Even so, they are recognizable and the misspelling does nothing to hurt the flow.
I like the intensity and the rhythm keeps it going. ~ Gee.
.

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how would this poem be classified as? (I didn't know for sure) I left those words misspelled for the sake of honesty. I could also use help on the punctuation. I can't believe how young and angry I was back then! I think some of the lines could use rewriting, too. your review was very kind to me.

*hugs, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

Actually for a 14 year old, I think it's good.
If I look at your work now, have to say, you've moved on a bit. Lol.
Take for instance your last poem published on site - visions in the fire. Still rhymes, but the rhyme isn't forced. Whereas here, I think it is in places. You use techniques now, to create effect. But although this is raw, it's a blooming good starting point.
Don't chuck it out. Keep it.
Jxx

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okay Jane, I'll keep it on your say so, lol! this poem has me a little red-faced. I feel like I really put myself out there. thanks for your insights into my growth I really appreciate that :)

*hugs, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

I felt just the same putting my own first poem out there.
Jx

------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

I knew I liked you right from the start ;)

*hugs, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

but for fourteen it's pretty damn good. Of course you shouldn't chuck it. It's your history and still part of your body of work.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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for putting me in proper perspective. you are kind. thank you for your opinion, it is appreciated.

always, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

for your generous comment :) do you still have that Haiku? thirty years later and your poetry is outstandingly amazing!

hugs, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

I wonder how many new poets these days write their first poem in rhyme? I enjoyed it a part of the pleasure was looking into the past.......stan

it is always a pleasure to hear from you. your comments are supportive and helpful.

*hugs, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

I just had to do a reading to show you one of the most important things.
http://vocaroo.com/i/s08XsxiQt734
Even in this early poem you had 'the ear'. It scans beautifully, it sounds like poetry.
I've seen a lot worse by older more experience poets.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Here's a better one you can repost if you choose
https://soundcloud.com/neopoet/endless-time-by-candlewitch

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

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