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FADING SAIL

When my boat leaves sight
beyond that far horizon
will I have ever been?

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
OK, I'm obviously going for a HAIKU and I'm aware the last line is one syllable too long.....so any suggestion that will give same meaning is welcome
Editing stage: 

Comments

When my boat leaves sight
beyond that far horizon;
have I ever been?

Achilles wanted to be remembered forever. And he is still remembered. Brad Pitt recently portrayed him in Troy.

It's an important poem Scrib WE all wish to live on in memories.
Is your book near done because literature remains :~)

That adjustment may be helpful.
Sometimes when we move a word to a different place in a verse it can work better.

Later,

~Mark~

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Very good suggestion. When your stuff is usually as long winded as mine is it sometimes makes it hard to think in a concise manner lol. As to book, it's getting closer

author comment

^5 on your book..

~Mark~

Free membership is a great deal but if you wish for the best deal look here:
https://www.neopoet.com/premium

^5...?

author comment

high five

~Mark~

Free membership is a great deal but if you wish for the best deal look here:
https://www.neopoet.com/premium

Old luddites like me need our hands held lol

author comment
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