Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

FADING SAIL

When my boat leaves sight
beyond that far horizon
will I have ever been?

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
OK, I'm obviously going for a HAIKU and I'm aware the last line is one syllable too long.....so any suggestion that will give same meaning is welcome
Editing stage: 

Comments

When my boat leaves sight
beyond that far horizon;
have I ever been?

Achilles wanted to be remembered forever. And he is still remembered. Brad Pitt recently portrayed him in Troy.

It's an important poem Scrib WE all wish to live on in memories.
Is your book near done because literature remains :~)

That adjustment may be helpful.
Sometimes when we move a word to a different place in a verse it can work better.

Later,

~Mark~

Having difficulty navigating Neopoet or having trouble with an understanding regarding Neopoet? Look for the Advocate badge and reach out to an Advocate.

Very good suggestion. When your stuff is usually as long winded as mine is it sometimes makes it hard to think in a concise manner lol. As to book, it's getting closer

author comment

^5 on your book..

~Mark~

Having difficulty navigating Neopoet or having trouble with an understanding regarding Neopoet? Look for the Advocate badge and reach out to an Advocate.

^5...?

author comment

high five

~Mark~

Having difficulty navigating Neopoet or having trouble with an understanding regarding Neopoet? Look for the Advocate badge and reach out to an Advocate.

Old luddites like me need our hands held lol

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.