Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Elizabethan Sonnet Workshop

When tears have filled and dried the bluest eyes
and warnings cast a shadow made of stone
no sun nor moon can peel away disguise
that leaves me standing in this crowd alone.

Whose hands are these which dare to cross that line,
you know the line, between the pure and slaves
where man is boy and boy does long for fine
as memories become the blackened caves?

I'd hide behind that line if lines were real
to hold my shame in palest winter's haze
so I would not remember how to feel
and never have to live those hollow days

while spending nights to plot a hero's crime
awaiting time to kill the parent mime.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I am happy you could finally come up with this sonnet. This means hopefully you've overcome your health problems?

To the poem, as most of your writing this goes dark in most of its part. (Not a bad thing though)

The volta is clear as well as the closing couplet. So I'd say you have succeeded in the most dfficult parts with however some metrical problems.

I have provided some suggestions. Please feel free to take or leave.

no SUN |nor MOON| can PEEL| aWAY| the dis|GUISE.... (foot 5 needs a rework and half a foot is more.

(may be)...no SUN | no MOON | aWAY |can peel, |disguise

 

that LEAVES| me STAND|ing in |THIS CROWD| aLONE | (feet No. 3 and 4)

i'm LEFT| here STAND |  |ing STUND | in CROWD | aLONE

  

where MAN| beCOMES |a BOY| and BOY |LONGS for| FINE (foot no. 5 and half a foot is more) (I couldn't interpret what you wanted to say here? and what do you mean by longs for fine?

 

so I |would NE|ver re|CALL how |to FEEL| (foot no. 3 and 4)

so I |would NE | ver RE | memBER |to Feel.

 

Hope this helps ... Looking forward to see your polished version ...WELL DONE!!

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

As always, thank you for your efforts in helping me become a better poet. You may never know how much it means to me.

Please see edits and let me know what you think.

Scott

author comment

my interpretation :)

no SUN | nor MOON | can PEEL | a -WAY | the dis -GUISE
Rula’s suggestion has too much reverse syntax. I feel
maybe
no SUN | nor MOON | can JETT | -i SON dis -GUISE

I have no problem with
that LEAVES | me STAND | -ing IN | this CROWD | a -LONE

and
you KNOW | the LINE | be -TWEEN | VIRG -ins | and SLAVES
maybe
you KNOW | the LINE | be -TWEEN | the CHASTE | and SLAVES

where MAN | be -COMES | a BOY | and BOY | LONGS for | FINE
perhaps
where MAN | be -COMES | a BOY | who LONGS | for FINE
(although I think this verse needs different wording to more clarify what you are saying)

so i | would NEV | -er re | -CALL | how to | FEEL
try?
to NOT | re – MEM | -ber EV | -er HOW | to FEEL
(I disagree with Rula’s parsing of re-MEM-ber)

well done
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Thank you for the compliment and your in depth comments. You are making me a better poet and I truly appreciate that. Please see edits. Look forward to your comments.

Scott

author comment

you have said "feel free to knock me on my back" ..that's exxactly what both Rula & Judynne have done...lol..

humor apart...as you surely know..they both men well and you will use their suggestions which will only improve an already fine sonnet i liked truly..

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

I am glad you enjoyed the poem. Thank you for the compliment. Please let me know what you think of the edits.

Scott

author comment

it should be re-MEM-ber....my fault, sorry.

and the reversed syntax perhaps because I wanted to keep his same words.
Of course as it is his writing, he can come up with much better alternatives than mine.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

I agree with most of the metrical complaints and that's the purpose of this workshop. Writing a truly authentic and classical piece.
However, it is still a poem and an extraordinary one. The language is a bit more, shall we say, "authoritative". You (the poet) and only you get the point.
A welcome change. This is bold.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Thank you for the compliment. Oh, but how I long for the days when you would kick my ass. I have learned so much from you. Let me know what you think of the edits.

Scott

author comment

Just one line imo is still off slightly
so i | would NOT | rem-EMB | -er HOW | to FEEL

Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

just me
may be you need a comma in
no sun nor moon can peel away [,] disguise

and here is a suggestion for the line that judy pointed out, if you like

so I| would NE|ver CALL |back HOW | to FEEL

Again, many thanks for your participation. I appreciate it highly.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

The problem is the first iamb Rula, 'so i' not 'would not remember'
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Thank you both for the suggestions. But, at this point, I think I am going to exercise poetic license and leave it as is. Thoughts?

Scott

author comment

There can be a small stress on the 'I'
It is weak ... but not even the masters always wrote perfect iambic - they too, would sacrifice small stresses for better grammar and syntax
But I gave you 'to not remember, ever, how to feel'
Even if you don't like that particularly , can you not work around that someway?

However , it is your write, and if you are happy with what you have, then that is the important thing
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

overlook the "so i would.... it HAS at least a weak stress.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

You've been analyzed as I wish they would analyze me.
It is the language that moves me. Elegant and intense.
You'll be flogged for the metric mistakes, but it's a small price for producing such a wonderful piece.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Not only for the high compliments but for setting high standards for me to aspire too

Scott

author comment

i only want to see what else you can do with that third line. in the third line of the first stanza, it's obvious what you're trying to say, but i feel like there's a better way to put it while staying within your rhythm. Overall it looks pretty tight, I see I'm a bit late to get into you for your meter :P I like it.

Mag

You're never too late to tear into me.

I will see if I have any changes in store for l3 s1

Thanks

Scott

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.