Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Disappointment

Disappointment

I have learned a lesson or two
First one is
never to expect
Second one is
never to ask
and
hope from your fellows and friends
who will give what
how much
for your venture
to avoid disappointment alone
you shall have to endeavour

They all take you for granted
now why bank on us
do say
we can't even give you a dollar today
come what may
part we may
Good bye
for today

So never hope
your friends will stand by you
they may, may not
but one thing is now to rest assure
you shall never be disappointed
that you yourself can only assure
bank on no one any more.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

Some good ideas there Lovedly, but you seem to be totruring the poem, by forcing a rhyme.
Take for example the word 'denture' It rhymes with venture, but that's about it. It has no relevance to the poem at all. It turns a fairly deep, complex idea into silly verse. Don't just use a word because it rhymes, use the best word for the job. We certainly have a wealth of them to go at.
Jx

------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

I was aware
of some one
dropping his /denture
a new word now i shall venture
like adventure
may be google will rescue my censure

author comment

I did endeavour

author comment

I would delete that second [venture] line altogether. More than anything it is a distraction. It won't take anything away from the poem. Sometimes, we have to delete a line that we thought was good or maybe even brilliant because it takes away from whatever else we are saying. [ make sure that you write it down and save it for another poem]. Refine this one, chip away at it to make it a diamond. ~ Gee.
.

Comments and critique are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

yes I may do as you say geeeeeee

author comment

that you took my suggestion, but what do YOU think of how it reads now? ~ Gee.
.

Comments and critique are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

beauty lies in the eyes of holders
I only help folks lay
and play
with words put together
to collect
and
hopes gather
comments we all nurture
as if sitting on the Everest's
aperture
lies no toil
nor torture

author comment

holders

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.