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The Demise Of A Mind

Assault with intent
To kill this mind
Ransacked memories
Obliterated dreams
Till nothing is left
But a void

Lulled into
A transient state
Then lurking
Waiting to attack

Still the voices
That cry out for help
Till there is
No conscience thought

Meaningless scraps
Are left in the dust
To be swept away
Through the canyon
That was once
A mind

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
none my mind has left the building
Editing stage: 

Comments

Such vivid imagery! My favorite lines (and most meaningful)

Meaningless scraps
Are left in the dust
To be swept away
Through the canyon
That once was
A mind

As Lonnie already stated, good word usage!I wouldn't change a word of it! I have no suggestions, only appreciation for the work.

love, Cat

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

I feel just like that today. LOL I will come back tomorrow and work on this one.

Love
Ms Mona

I could not bring myself to leave crit yesterday but I will say this. I felt this one clear down the valley to my sunny home in Florida. I especially was in tune with this part as well and it had a profound affect on me:

Meaningless scraps
Are left in the dust
To be swept away
Through the canyon

I like this as it is what one feels as they write. It is also readable and very understood. I know this as one may write what they feel and not always what they know. It is a good example here of sharing your innermost feelings with a write such as this.

The image was too real for me and I sat on it for a time. Thanks for this one and will stay the course in your well taught workshop. I admire your courage and your strength as well.

Good writing Chrys

Spirit of Love
Ms Mona

Magics has not left the building:)

I had to sneak in the powder room so I thought that was you following after me. That one made me laugh. Good catch

Love to you and Lonnie this Memorial Weekend
Mona Magics

If this is not about Alsheimers it should be. A near perfect description of affliction's effects.............stan

If you insist lol.Would put periods at ending of each completed thought. nit-picky enough for you? lmao

I will say that I think this has great potential but too many gerunds (ing) words for me to see the strength in the write. I think if you can go over it and remove or change them to ed or some other form of the word it will bring a better flow and power to the piece. Because the intent of the poem is rather good.

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

Really think that intro of the first stanza is very strong now, it makes an impact as you read it..sorry it took me so long to reply but I didn't get your reply in my feed *shrug* must have had a little snooze before popping up lol

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

What I like most of all about this poem is that I can interpret it in different ways. It could be about alzheimers. It could be about the effect of being virtually attacked by someone. I always enjoy when I can find levels of meaning in a poem.
One small error: "Till" should be " 'Til".
Apart from that, I can find nothing that I would change. The cadence is excellent, the pace is also, and as usual your language use cannot be faulted.

Your poem elicited feelings of anger, frustration, and despair, and at the end. It takes quite a lot for me to have a real emotional reaction to a poem, so you know this is very good!

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

about the poems (often called “writes” on this site) but I will share that I have a friend who is losing her memory. Your poem was so vivid about the topic, at least as I read it. The other day I picked her up for our weekly group meeting and she forgot that she was supposed to host the meeting. I was not informed of the change but this helped me realize how vacant the mind can become in a very short time. What I find interesting is that she often starts a sentence as “I am cognizant of ....... (and then tails off without being able to complete the thought so she punctuates it with a short laugh).

vexations

A Mindful to Mindless journey nicely expressed in this write along with all the commotion that goes on in between...

raj (sublime_ocean)

All I can say is i loved this poem, i know i should say more, but this says it all.

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Ransacked memories
assault
with intent to kill
obliterated dreams

nothing left
but this void

The words are all there just a little rearranging, this may *mind* is the last thing you say....
you can make subtle changes to other stanzas if you will..

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