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Compromised Travel

There's a bag I hold dearly
Heavy in hand
Weathered and trampled

I've made this bag see
The world beyond
It's deeply scarred skin

I know this bags treasure
(Perhaps not all meant for me)

Loosening the grip
I should let this bag free

How is this done?
When the bag is content
And I, the holder, be filled with lament
That the bag may drop, at best be unhinged
Or may be broken & laid out to rest

The travel ahead with bag in hand
Would be happy and blessed
Life would be simple
Within our our own little land

But along my own journey
I should now understand
No bag is better
Than my own hand

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Poetry is a new world for me. It's helping to clarify things I don't yet understand (???!!!)
Editing stage: 

Comments

Would I be correct in guessing the bag is a metaphor for the 'baggage' we carry through life? As such it is quite meaningful, even poignant and yes, it is hard to let it go.

I really like the irregular use of rhyme. Too many young poets force themselves into strict rhyming schemes that end up sounding forced and jingly.

Welcome to Neopoet.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Thanks Jess
I thinks it's a bit clunky and naive yes it's about baggage of sorts.
I don't know enough poetry to know rhyming schemes yet so really it's my own rhythm - and even I felt it was a bit out of rhythm!
I don't think I'll edit though. I might just try out new ideas.
Thanks for your support!

author comment

I like the language a lot. After a few reads I would like to suggest something. End the poem with
"no bag is better/than my own hand".

I also do understand what you mean about all the treasures in the bag not being all for you...but the poem is really about you, and this weight you carry.You turn that into a question, but the poem is about you totally knowing this bag intimately, so I think that line confuses a bit.
There seem to be a few different "teams" on this site concerning punctuation and capping the first line of a verse. I am on the capping side. As for punctuation, my first take is use it, it is a tool we have with words. But my second take is"all or none": not sometimes. You have 2 commas and a question mark..why not drop them, use spacing or whatever, or punctuate the whole poem?
This is my opinion. Some will say there are no rules, just be free. I respect that opinion. But a poem "look" and "feel" appears less crafty, to me, if it uses it "sometimes".
I think this is a fine work with such stunning lines as these:
I've made this bag see
The world beyond
It's deeply scarred skin

Lovely way to show us our imaginations what the bag looks like!

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Thanks for your suggestions, Eumolpus.I've decided to put them into practise as I'm learning that this is really what neopoet is all about. Learning and growing as a poet and using advice from experienced others such as you and Jess!
I've removed the clunky ending and left it where you suggested.
I tried removing punctuation but felt I still needed the commas so then I just left everything.
I'll have another look at the line that confuses too.
I changed the ampisand &,back to and!
Again thanks for your time.
This is becoming addictive.
The other poets on this site are great. I'm losing sleep reading this site!!

author comment

Thank you for your comments. I truly appreciate it. I'm new to poetry and if I'm honest my english writing is pretty damn lacking. So all grammer/punctuations etc will be the English learning I should have got (or listened to) in school!
I probably won't edit but I'll use your advice in new posts.
Again thanks!

author comment

Poetry and dreams
come to the fortunate

If you have a Dream
conscious
like Martin Luther King
you are also one ...

If you dream subconsciously
eating bananas in one's dream
you have limitations

if you have to eat
in dreams only
might as well eat apples
and
cherries costly

so poetry is like wise
if you force to compose
so many will here oppose

but if it comes to you
as it does to me
barring an odd guy
many will repose faith
in poetry ensuing
from the likes of me
extempore

I am not a student of poetry
it comes naturally
but the kicks
I had the pleasant pleasure to here share
makes me worthy with stalwarts to compare

you need not compromise
except in the cover of darkness
where life is all lies and rosiness

but in the four walls of neo
you may compose
some will faithfully read
others will simply garbage it

so dream realistically
consciously subconsciousness will take care
never ever two poets compare
I dare!
Many critiques here
you may have to bear

Hello lovedly
As I think you've probably read - I'm new here on neo.
I think I know what you're saying!
BTW I love your words. Confusing they may seem. I like how I can read into them.

I also love apples.

author comment

to understand my poetry

you may take ages

you love apples two
I love cherries
farmers in this wilderness grew
choice is yours
where to go
and
pick and choose
be faithful
your apples
will bless you

then out of experience
mainly
ROMANTIC

poetry will ensue
LIKE Niagara does from me

poets have to play
an actors part
with each one a different

romance dance and prance

as all lovers love to do in
PARIS
France
perchance
poetry and dreams do enhance

Poetry and dreams do enhance
That I agree
And apples and cherries
Go well baked together

The pie may be hot
Scalding the mouth
With words like juices
From the mouth running out

Down the front
The juices rush over
Just like your
Gushing rushing Niagara

(And I don't think you'd ever need Viagra!)

author comment

Love this poem
about the ideology of bare arms
the raised arm not for greeting but
to show no weapon
Otzi the ice man was covered in
containers for his spear
meal..grass..first aid
when global warming stops
we will find a hiker
with Murse....tablet..cell phone
cappucino tankard of aluminum
with screw cap and caribiner
flask of gin...tin of cigarettes
gps....camera
bling...ear plugs
rings..orthopeadic lifts
support in his boots
back brace and sporty cane

I myself carry an AMERICAN EAGLE
canvasse knock off of the classic
world war two canvas shoulder sling
bag with adjustable metal
snaps..slider tension
leather slip on over nubs
I painted U S on the flap
cover...got a jungle jacket
mocked up like a vietnam
era jacket....cause we were
haunted by the horrific visions
of the news my parents taught
us...they were eighteen during
world war two and lost many
friends...then Korea and kids
their own childrens age...
we had american cousins
and we welcomed back
many americans to Ontario
out of the tours of Nam
in our village...still in jungle
boots and tiger stripes
specialist and a riverboat
captian whom hit a mine
and had a plate in his
head...Karl Trotter
then a mere mid twenties
long hair...beard..he looked
like jesus and built furniture
from a wealthy east coast
american family...

I had my fathers hunting bag
a canvass world war two surplus
haversack...my uncle was in world
war two...a few actually....
but Harry from the Algonquin Regiment
here in North Bay still bought the old
surplus and brought with him a large
cache of german booty...
U boat binoculars
etc...

I have a large sporting backpack
I remember the hippies with the vietnam
surplus backpacks...I loved the aluminum
frame packs...
never got to actually owning them
i have a modern soft nylon
huge...carry food bank supplies for two
people..roughly about sixty pounds
and the faux army bag with about
fifteen pounds of tools for repairing
my bike and stripping the junk I find
on the curb and trails..discards

to be free with just the open hands
is the ultimate
i did this hitchiking for a time
nothing but the day run clothing
I got rides this way

extremely insightful poem
thank U very much

W

Wow Esker!
It'll take my mind
a while
To digest
your reply
But thank you
for taking the time!

author comment
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