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Colors without Hues ..(Rhyme Crimes WS.Assign 4)

Submitted by Rula on Mon, 2012-07-30 01:48

Ah! How blue I am without you,
my colors have lost that vivid hue.
Dark black become my days
and hazy grey paints through my ways.
No light of hope, but fading whites
daily grow with misty twilights.
Greens no more pass my meadows,
only the orange shades and the yellows
are seen in the falling leaves of my trees
while sadly they shed like tears.
No shades of brown for which I die
all are stolen in the hazel of your eye.
Now, please say you're coming soon
so my colors ,again, can sing a happy tune.

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Workshop:

Rhyme Crimes

Comments

scribbler

Mon, 2012-07-30 07:32

Hi Rula

Kinda lost rhyme in the trees tears area but overall very nice.............stan

Rula

Wed, 2012-08-01 14:41

Hello Stan

I knew about this 'out of rhyme' thing in this couplet but I liked the twist of tears and trees. I wish I hear what others feel about it. I can think of some alternatives if it is not reading good. Thanks again.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

judyanne

Thu, 2012-08-02 00:47

hello rula

'Dark black become my days
and hazy grey paint through my ways'
just for grammar – maybe ‘becomes’ and ‘paints’ (with an ‘s’)

and for rhythm
‘Greenness is no more passing my meadows,
only the orange's shades and the yellow's’
Greenness no longer passes my meadows,
only the orange shades and yellows

I like the ‘trees’ and ‘tears’ part – the off rhyme pulls the reader up, makes (me a least lol) pause before reading the last lines…

then,
‘so my colors shall sing 'gain a happy tune’
for grammar again ( just me)
‘so my colors, again, can sing a happy tune’

I like the title…
and i like the text of this write -
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Rula

Thu, 2012-08-02 06:50

Hi Juddy

'Dark black become my days
and hazy grey paint through my ways'
just for grammar – maybe ‘becomes’ and ‘paints’

I think you are right regarding 'paints' but what do you think as 'become' referes back to *my days*?

and I am not getting really the problem in grammar in
so my colors shall sing 'gain a happy tune’
just like to learn so that I won't repeat the same mistake again

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

author comment

weirdelf

Mon, 2012-08-06 03:55

Listen everyone,

Rula you did a bloody good job here pushing the limits of a very demanding workshop.

It is true that everyone lost their poetry a bit towards the end but that doesn't matter a pinch of shit!

I have seen each and every participant grow not just in your work here but unconsciously, or perhaps consciously, it has seeped into your own writes.

Wesley designed a superb workshop and I can't wait till he gets back to see the results of his creative teaching.

Kudos to all of you.
(Excuse the repetition but I am going to re-post this onto the syllabus page to save myself rephrasing it, I'm a lazy bastard)

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Neopoet

Colors without Hues ..(Rhyme Crimes WS.Assign 4)